the lies we tell ourselves

despite my best, valiant efforts to erase all memories of dick and all that concerns him, he creeps back in.  it getting progressively better-my heart no longer physically aches; a big bonus.
as you may have noticed, i am a talker. its how i process things.  i have worked out so many things while talking to a few select friends, sometimes have a light bulb moment mid conversation.
i am uncharacteristically quiet(and by quiet i mean i have only had one conversation w/one friend) this time. i think part of the reason is because i cannot seem to unravel the dick situation in my head. i cant even find the tail so i can start to unwind it. every reasonable hypothesis is immediately contradicted by a random fact that cannot be disputed. not to mention the confirmations. lets review the confirmations of smc...
mr soldier of fortune:  my memory concerning the prayers i offered about marrying him are a little fuzzy, but in my minds eye, i can see myself kneeling by my twin bed in my room in my parents house and sincerely asking if i should marry him. the answer i received was yes. i remember the peace i felt and the smile on my face that could not be contained as my father escorted me down the left aisle in our ward building.
mr nice guy: i dont remember praying about him, but he showed up on the scene right around the time i was going through a major personal crisis. he was sweet. he was kind. it seemed like an answer to a prayer that i never prayed.
mr ex man:  at this point i have a divorce, 2 serious relationships, and a few not so serious relationships under my belt. we hit it off, but i was uber-conscientious about what i wanted and how important having a heavenly seal approval on my choice was to me.  i felt good about this relationship and actually had a sweet spiritual experience in the temple regarding my decision to go forward.
dick: i met him more than 2 years after mr ex man. there were a few random dates and things that were interesting, but never went anywhere. no prayer or confirmations needed.  i governed myself(since i was taught correct principles). back to dick. i did not consider him as a serious possibility at first, but he was tenacious and his charm grew on me. considering all the past failures and my advancing years, i did not want to screw up this time. i prayed the whole time to "know the truth in all things"; to be guided to know if it was a good thing to be with him. i got the green light every time. i checked back to confirm. i studied. i searched out scriptures and general conference talks on the subject. i prayed about what i read and how it related to my growing relationship with dick. i can remember times silently praying to myself while he was talking to me, asking for the power of discernment. i dont feel i can justifiably deny what the Holy Ghost told me. I just cant. HOWEVER i cannot wrap my head around what has happened. it doesnt make sense. it contradicts everything. and. i. just. dont. get. it.
knowing that Heavenly Father knows the end from the beginning, i wonder why he didnt clue me in. did i need another heartbreak of this magnitude? i dont think so.  i truly dont.
oh yeah. i recently discovered that dick is married again.
 

thinking of learning morse code

i dont seem to interpret personal revelation properly and  maybe going to a method of communication that is so basic will improve my understanding. i keep screwing it up. i keep getting it wrong. i think i get an important piece of personal revelation and i act on it and i hit a wall. its happened several times and its creating a moderate trial of faith. 
i dont think Heavenly Father will be on board with switching his methods and who would blame him?  i am certain is my problem, but that brings zero comfort. i really dont know what i am doing to screw this up.
the most recent "communication problem" is regarding dick-i thought i had it figured out-it was just a matter of faith and faith in the Lords timing. but it wasnt. it wasnt that at all. Maybe its just free agency. despite revelation, you still have free agency to make the wrong decision.
i am grasping at straws trying to find a clever way to say what is on my mind and i am not doing it at all. i apologize.
dick has been gone for a long time, but unlike mr ex man or mr nice guy, he had not left my heart.  he has now left my heart. it hurts. i feel foolish. i hate feeling foolish-it makes me angry.
part of me wants to tell the whole story, but i find it so embarrassing that even on an "anonymous" forum such as a blog, i cant bear to talk about it yet. i dont know if i ever will.
i have talked to 2 friends about it. they have been understanding and gave wonderful insight that made a lot of sense, but now i am trying to crawl away from the pit of quick sand of low self esteem that threatens to swallow me up.
i would love if anyone would comment and tell me about any experience you have with screwing up personal revelation.

if you arent crazy, are you boring?

i think i have written a couple of different posts over the years mulling over this topic in one way or another, but its nagging at me again.  the past few months have been nothing but mating season-everyone seems to be pairing off, getting engaged, and getting married. i am not normally a green with envy kind of gal, but if you look close, you might see a bit of chartreuse around the edges. with few exceptions-these girls are kind of crazy. sometimes the guys are too, but never both in the same couple. does "normal" attract crazy or does it go looking for it?  if i have any hopes of snagging a man, do i need to whack it out a bit?  at this point in my life, i am so worn out from the games, i dont think i have it in me to play crazy.  maybe its better to be alone with my boring self and hope that some boring guy will find me as his soul mate.  or maybe i am the kind of crazy that repels men and i am unaware of it, thinking i am "normal". right now i just feel that i am about as exciting as paint drying. i truly want someone who loves me what i am that boring. i will have my moments of crazy fun, but dont we all need to be loved without being "on" all the time?

the stuff

when you break up with someone, what do you do with the stuff?  i held onto most of what i accumulated while married to msof, but when i sold my house, threw everything, but a few pictures away. i dont even know where those pictures are now. weird.
in a fit of rage i threw most of the stuff tgws gave me out the passenger window as i was speeding down the road.  i think i have a few random pictures.
all the stuff from mr ex man-gone.
all the stuff from mr nice guy-gone.
all the stuff from dick-packed away. i rarely take it out and look at it, but i know its there and i have no plans to dispose of it.
what do you keep and what do you throw away?

do guys do that?

i was thinking about Dick and a random memory appeared, seemingly out of the mists of my mind. it was a happy memory and i liked tossing it around in my head since its one of the few(i assume)that i havent worn out like an old cassette tape.
do guys do that?  will a memory of an ex catch you off guard and it is allowed to linger? men are famous for compartmentalizing, so i wonder if walking down memory lane is common.

am i lonely?

i generally dont think about lonliness much. i dont mind being alone and there arent many times that i can truly say i was lonely.
yesterday my 14 yr old niece asked me if i was lonely. my knee jerk reaction was to say no, but her question made me think about it and eventually admit the truth to myself. i am, in fact, lonely.
somehow it makes me feel less to admit that. is it ok to be lonely or is it a symptom of a deeper issue within myself?
i think about Dick every day and miss him, but i am not traumatized by it.  i just feel like i am patiently(usually) waiting. i am not in any sort of deep anguish, but i feel a little lost and wish he was here to anchor me. i have always anchored myself. why do i feel the desire for him to do it now?
i dont want to think about it anymore.

yikes!

i cant believe its been 2 months since i have posted.  i have been busy, but not with anything fun or exciting.  i have had a few ideas for posts that i thought would be interesting, but when it came down to actually logging in and posting, i lost all interest.  blogging used to be one of my favorite things; i hope that feeling comes back.

general update:
mr nice guy admitted that he was still in love with me and i, in no uncertain terms, told him that friendship was the only thing we could ever have in the future.  he seemed to respect that, but the next time we talked he tried to feed me a load of bs that i just did not have the stomach for. so i blocked him. i didnt have a big conversation with him to explain why and hope to soften the blow, i just blocked him on email, facebook, and cell phone.  if he tries to contact me, he will be unable to.  no explanation.  that is unprecedented for me. i like closure. i like explanations and understanding. i just dont care any more.
while i was at it, i blocked mr ex man.  i havent heard from him in several months(random text that i ignored), but i just decided to do it.
i did the right thing-i have no doubt.
still hoping and praying for Dick(yes, blain, i capitalized it for you)to come back.
i canned a bunch of apricot preserves. first time making preserves and my first time canning.
i guess that is it in a nutshell.