my date called me about 5 minutes before he was to pick me up to let me know he would be about 10 minutes late. he got delayed with his kids and had to drop them back off at their moms. i appreciated the call and didnt mind that he was a little late. i think his reason was a good one and for a mere 10 minutes, it could have been a completely lame reason and i wouldnt have cared. i think the key point here is the call. he was considerate enough to call and let me know. i liked that.
he is a nice man and i feel really guilty even telling you some of this stuff. none of us is perfect, but there has to be a spark, right? what i am about to tell you could be considered so superficial,but i think most women will understand. maybe not the guys, but i think the girls will.
he was wearing pleated shorts. with a cuff. that were about 2 inches too short.
I KNOW!!! right?
those wouldnt be so bad except its clearly a fashion mistake for his body type.
he was a gentleman. he opened doors-deferred to me for the movie and restaurant selection. he paid. all good stuff.
we saw "the other guys". it was hilarious. i laughed out loud through the whole movie and i rarely do that. he didnt laugh once. when we were discussing the movie after wards(a rare break from the normal topic of the night. more on that later)his only comment was "it was pretty much what i thought it would be." i think i have pretty good taste in movies. i dont like junk cinema and even though this movie is definitely not going to win any oscars, it was GOOD. it bothered me that he seemed to think the movie was beneath him and his theater major background. i hate snobbery of any kind.
we decided to go to the outback for dinner. the service and the food were good. we had an attentive waiter and my steak was cooked just right,but that provided little distraction from what we talked about.
the whole night the conversation never waned or broke down in any way which is surprising considering we only spoke on one topic. his divorce and custody issues. besides asking me what movie i wanted to see and where i would like to go eat he only asked me two questions: how long were you married and why didnt you have children. thats it. no where are you originally from(i asked him to try and get him off the divorce topic), whats your sign, or ANYTHING in an effort to get to know me.
i stopped asking him questions, but he didnt seem to notice. after we had eaten dinner and the table was cleared(he offered dessert, but i begged off)the conversation switched to our sa activity experiences. i got a little more input here, but he dominated the conversation with his stories. the stories were interesting, but i dont know if i have ever been in a more one sided conversation.
he is very good with dates and now i know the exact date of when his ex wife announced she was filing for divorce, the day the divorce was final, the date he went to his first sa dance, and a host of other dates that i wont bore YOU with.
he walked me to the door and i thanked him for dinner and the movie. a chaste hug and i was in the door and washing the make up off my face.
even if he wasnt still drowning in bitterness from the divorce, i dont think we would be a match. he seemed to have fun too, but for some reason, i dont see him asking me out again. if he does, i will tell him the truth, he isnt ready.
BUMMER! He obviously needed a good distraction and he totally missed his opportunity. It bothers me that he talked about himself so much, especially the negative stuff that he needs to get over on his own. On the flip side... everyone I know that has seen The Other Guys has said exactly what he said... it's either that it was typical or not that funny. I've heard there are funny parts but on a whole isn't worth it (I'm not an Will Ferrell fan so I won't see it - to me that describes all of his movies, except Pearl the Landlord which is HIlarious and doesn't count because it's like three minutes long). Good luck on your next date!
ReplyDeletemaybe because i had no expectations for the movie at all. i dont know if i had even seen a preview for it, but it was a matter of eliminating all the rated r's and nanny mcphee and then deciding between the 2 or 3 movies that were left.
ReplyDeletei normally do not care for action/cop movies, so maybe i was just laughing with relief that it wasnt as bad as i expected. or maybe i just had a major lapse in judgment and good taste. :)
you made a good point of saying that all the stuff he talked about is stuff that he should process and work through on his own. granted, its all stuff that will come up in the getting to know you process, but not on the first date.
is it wrong to think that you should be over your ex before you embark on trying to find a new relationship?
I don't think it is superficial. Talking about your ex's on the first date is a major no-no. And so is dominating the conversation. I might have even called him on it at some point. Good for dipping your toe back in the dating pool.
ReplyDeletethats what i thought too, but i was wondering if i was being too judgmental. i have been divorced way longer than he has been and dont have kids to keep reminding me every day of my past.
ReplyDeleteI would not wear pleated shorts to a date, because I don't own any and can't imagine why I ever would. It would be 501s or slacks, unless we were dancing (contradancing), in which case it would be my kilt. None of the above, to the best of my knowledge, are shorter than they ought to be. But I wouldn't know -- fashion's really (really, really) not my thing. I don't know if I'd give him a break on that point.
ReplyDeleteOtherwise, no. He clearly hasn't followed any of my One Year rules. I agree that he's not ready to be on the market -- too much residual venom for his ex going on. Past that, if your senses of humor match up that poorly, I really don't see a future. Unless he pops up with something like "Hey, I'm really sorry about our date. When I dropped my kids off, my ex said something that really blew me away, and I was distracted and upset pretty much the whole night. I know I was bad company, and I'd really like a chance to make it up to you. Wanna go ...?" I'd say this was a good date, in that it gave you a good idea if there was something worth pursuing there.
I don't know about "over" your ex, but certainly there needs to be some scar tissue on the emotional wounds, rather than raw exposed nerves.
See this post:
ReplyDeletehttp://thesinglesward.wordpress.com/2010/08/13/venus-vs-mars-stereotypes-double-standards-relationships/
Guys handle things like this by shutting their emotions off and becoming extremely bitter. While he thinks he is venting, he's only jeopardizing any connection you may have made by talking about the ex. It's one thing to mention her, especially when it is such a big part of his life, but he doesn't need to be spitting venom and looking to dates as pillows to vent on.
i remember that post-a good one with some valid insights. i got that he is still hurt, but i question his desire to move on since its been 3 years and he is still at this level. he still has child custody issues with his ex, so its kind of like picking at the emotional scab-you know, never really healing-but he has to realize he is cutting off his nose to spite his face.
ReplyDeleteI'm always so surprised that people really do spend entire first dates talking about Exs, I always thought that was one of those "worst-case scenario" jokes.
ReplyDeletewoasm-i have never experienced it until now. it was kind of crazy. i sort of felt like a therapist. all i needed was the legal pad and a pen. "how did that make you feel?"
ReplyDeleteblain-are you serious about the kilt? you arent serious. right? that could be a deal breaker right there.
sounds like a drag of an evening for you. The best favor you can do for him now is be honest and tell him to burn the shorts for the cause.
ReplyDeleteI think it's okay to for someone to try dating when he's not completely over his ex, but he'd definitely better leave the ex out of the conversation for the first date or two. If asked about an ex, no more than a sentence or two. I hope your date picks up that dating "rule" soon; it'd force him to converse about something else, and maybe even get his mind off the whole "ex" thing for a while.
ReplyDeleteAnother thing: you may think what you will, but I think kilts are awesome. :)
kelly-if we were a match, i would definitely burn the shorts and take him shopping. if only that were the only problem. :/
ReplyDeletemckathlin- i agree-complete healing is not a requirement, but i dont know if i can jump on board with the kilt.