Sunday, May 9, 2010

one of those days

physically feeling better, but...otherwise, there is just a grey(not black)cloud hanging over.
spent yesterday with gbf. he is doing pretty well. waiting for the insurance approval to begin chemotherapy. insurance companies-a necessary evil, but it amazes me that they can drag their feet on life saving treatment. gbf's husband spent the time on the computer reading us different schools of thought on diets that cure cancer. it was depressing. not the diets, just that gbf is so overwhelmed with all the information that he is just drowning in it. but he wants to hear it. it was hard to hang in there, but i did. left their house with a weight on my shoulders. my shoulders?! HE is the one with cancer-right? right. it really effects everyone. i keep it all to myself. i would never burden him with it. trying to create a personal strategy to deal with all i am going through because of what HE is going through. this is going to be a race of distance, not speed. need to pace myself. anyone who has dealt with this and has anything to tell me, please comment.
today is mothers day. not a happy day for me for lots of reasons. its not that i dont have a good mother. i have an excellent one. feeling bad because being sick all week really kept me from following through with the plans i had for her gift. oh sure. she will understand, but she will be disappointed. she likes a fuss. i hate a fuss so this is difficult. like i mentioned, everyone(practically) in my family has been sick. i was hoping they would cancel/postpone the family dinner we had planned for today, but that doesnt look like its going to happen.
someone(an old friend from high school)that i only keep contact with via facebook sent me an email saying "happy mothers day". its entirely possible that he doesnt realize i am not a mother. there are many pictures of me with my nieces and nephews and he could assume they are mine, but it still bugs me. why dont we have an aunts day? celebrate all the aunts who are like mothers(but cooler)to you?
i think i will sit in the foyer today. i hate the fuss over mothers day. for me. not actual mothers. in an attempt to be kind and not exclude anyone-when they hand out the flowers, or the candy or whatever they have going on to recognize the mothers of the ward-they will usually say something like "all the mothers, grandmothers, future mothers..." i know some might appreciate being included in this. not me. its not a bitter or angry thing. i am not a mother and i dont want to be made a fuss over or felt sorry for because i am not!
one of the best things ever was when one of my nephews, unprompted, brought me one of the flowers that were being handed out in sacrament. i think he was 4 or 5 at the time. it was a pure thing coming from the very best place, not something forced or contrived to make me feel included in a club that i am not a member of.
i said i wasnt bitter and i am not, but that sure sounded bitter. cranky today. not bitter.


  1. I had a substitute teacher once who swore that cutting milk out of your diet altogether stopped cancer in it's tracks.

    I think the term mother can be relative. I was told by a friend a few years back that his family celebrated it for all the women in the family who contributed to the upbringing of children, whether that's sisters, aunts, whatever. Since then I've always thought of my sister on mother's day as well as my real mother. Even though my sister and I have never really agreed on anything, I think she made a bigger impression on my life than she knows.

    Personally today was a rough one for me, I never heard back from my mom.

  2. sorry that you didnt hear back from your mom. hope she has called.
    i am now a-ok with how my role as a mother has played out. its good to be an aunt. i like that you think of your sister and the impression she made on your life. i love my brother,but i doubt he would say that about me.
    i have been helping gbf research diets and many of them advise to cut out all dairy. i think there might be something to it.