i think i need a tune up. things have been misfiring for so long i wonder if i would recognize if it was right.i start with the best of intentions, do a lot of praying, throw in the scripture study, step up the temple attendance all in an effort to be spiritually ready for the answers i am seeking. sounds about right, doesnt it?
a few months ago something started nagging at me. i just tried to dismiss it, but it wouldnt go away. i started praying about it, letting Heavenly Father know that i didnt want these thoughts in my head, i wanted them to go away. they didnt go away. so i started asking why in my prayers. why was this happening? i hadnt had these thoughts in months and months. i thought they were gone for good. additional thoughts kept coming to me. they were new thoughts, things i hadnt considered before.
was this my mind opening up? i kept praying and then i attended a fireside where the speaker was talking about scripture study. the thing that stood out to me was something he mentioned about dedicating scripture study for a specific purpose and to pray before, during, and after the study for the Lord to reveal what he wants you to know about the subject because we all know that when we want to talk to Heavenly Father we pray and when we want him to speak to us, we read the scriptures.
i have always been a lazy scripture reader, but this change of perspective really transformed my scripture reading. things were jumping off the page. stuff was making sense. i kept praying about these nagging thoughts. answers really seemed to be coming to me. very specific answers that were exciting. real things started happening that were very specific answers to my prayers. this was getting good.
i felt a peace that i hadnt known before regarding these thoughts. i felt confident that Heavenly Father was going to bring some pretty exciting things to pass.
then some stuff started happening. kind of icky stuff. did this negate my personal revelation? it all got ickier. i started to doubt(never a good thing). then i started to think it was a test. then i thought the adversary was doing a number on me. i prayed harder trying to demonstrate my faith in what Heavenly Father had already revealed to me.
for two weeks it has been so weird. i am still praying. still going to the temple. still reading the scriptures with a singular purpose, but things arent going right. what did i do wrong? am i just crazy? is it one of those tests where you just have to jump through the hoops for the sake of jumping through the hoops just to be obedient and the rewards will be given in the next life? i have had a lot of those. we all do, part of the mortal gig, i suppose, but i have to say i am worn out by it. its happened to me a lot. i would like some obvious miracles where these thoughts are concerned.
i am just pissed off. not very conducive to personal revelation, but i just dont seem to have the knack for it.
in the spirit of superstition, i am cosmically knocking on wood by saying that i am blessed. i have had prayers answered. miracles have occurred in my life. i am not as job, but i would really like these prayers to be answered and not be disappointed or learn a lesson. i know. selfish. immature. waaaaaaaah!