another one

someone else just announced their marriage. i never thought it would happen and it did.
 negative, bitter me, says "EVERYONE BUT ME, WHAT THE HELL?!?!?"
 positive, sweet me says  "maybe its in the air and my time is right around the corner."
bitter me is kicking the shit out of positive, sweet me.

last (wo)man standing

seriously-EVERYONE is getting married. even the girl who i thought(but never said out loud)"if she gets married before me, i am going to drive off a cliff", is getting married.
i just found out my car needs some major repairs so now seems like a good time to drive it off the cliff.

the path of least resistance

i am about to confess something that i find very difficult to admit...i have low self esteem.  i fake it pretty well and i would have to say that i can acknowledge my finer points(i do believe i have them), but it is always easier to believe the worst.

i think being SO willing to take the blame is a girl/woman thing. maybe its more of a mormon-girl/woman thing.

i was watching dr drew a week or so ago and he had on 3 authors. 2 women co-wrote a book called 'DUMPED' and the other was a man(forget his name), who has written on the "secrets" of men. i guess he is a self proclaimed traitor of men-revealing all the things men really think and why they do certain things and how women can manage a successful relationship with one of those creatures. the reason i mention this is that one thing he said really caught my attention(which was difficult to do since the women kept talking over him and trying to disprove everything he said); he said that 98% of the time when a man leaves,breaks up, dumps a woman it has nothing to do with her-its his own insecurities.

i found this interesting since i was running down the check list of all the possible reasons dick left and eventually married another woman. the basics: too old, not a size 2, not independently wealthy, blah, blah, blah. then i would move on to other possibilities like the tone of my voice may have come across too judgmental when discussing important topics or the fact that i didnt think i wanted to have children(his wife has 3)or asking him about his kids. logically, i know this list is ridiculous, but it still haunts me. when i am in full possession of my logical mind, i remind myself of  the women that i do know that happen to be a size 2, blonde, have oodles of kids, etc and they are no more successful in their relationships.

i am rambling. i do that. sorry.

any way, when presented with an opinion by a man that practically invites to let myself off the blame hook, it is EASIER to believe that it was my fault.

i am smart enough to fight it. remind myself of the truth and refocus my efforts to moving on and giving myself a break.

when dick broke up with me the 2 friends i  confided in both said in one way or another that  he freaked out and bolted. now they are in possession of facts that i have not confided here on my blog-their theory makes total sense because of those facts. also ties into what the dude on dr drew said.

sometimes you just dont know the reasons and you have to accept it. 

i hate that.

wisdom or senility?

after sacrament i was sitting in the back pew chatting with a friend, when hank, our wards loveable, old guy(think clint eastwood with a testimony)stopped, put his hand gently on my arm and said "there is a good man out there somewhere that just doesnt know what he is missing in you. i hope he figures it out soon." he squeezed my arm and walked away. how sweet was that?

mormon chick still cooks

yum. yum.yum.   i had these hawaiin ham and cheese sandwiches at a baby shower and about passed out from the deliciousness. simple. easy. fast. how can you go wrong with that?  you cant!!!
i tripled the recipe and made it for a family gathering and even the pickiest eaters loved them.

http://beyerbeware.net/2011/04/hunk-of-meat-monday-game-time-favorites.html

what a drag

since my last few posts have been all DRAMA and sadness, i tried to post a yummy recipe or two, but since blogger has changed, i can figure out the format. its driving me crazy!!!!
i have been trying new recipes since i have become addicted to pinterest. i love, love, love pinterest!  if you are unaware of what i am talking about, do yourself a favor and do a google search. :)

the lies we tell ourselves

despite my best, valiant efforts to erase all memories of dick and all that concerns him, he creeps back in.  it getting progressively better-my heart no longer physically aches; a big bonus.
as you may have noticed, i am a talker. its how i process things.  i have worked out so many things while talking to a few select friends, sometimes have a light bulb moment mid conversation.
i am uncharacteristically quiet(and by quiet i mean i have only had one conversation w/one friend) this time. i think part of the reason is because i cannot seem to unravel the dick situation in my head. i cant even find the tail so i can start to unwind it. every reasonable hypothesis is immediately contradicted by a random fact that cannot be disputed. not to mention the confirmations. lets review the confirmations of smc...
mr soldier of fortune:  my memory concerning the prayers i offered about marrying him are a little fuzzy, but in my minds eye, i can see myself kneeling by my twin bed in my room in my parents house and sincerely asking if i should marry him. the answer i received was yes. i remember the peace i felt and the smile on my face that could not be contained as my father escorted me down the left aisle in our ward building.
mr nice guy: i dont remember praying about him, but he showed up on the scene right around the time i was going through a major personal crisis. he was sweet. he was kind. it seemed like an answer to a prayer that i never prayed.
mr ex man:  at this point i have a divorce, 2 serious relationships, and a few not so serious relationships under my belt. we hit it off, but i was uber-conscientious about what i wanted and how important having a heavenly seal approval on my choice was to me.  i felt good about this relationship and actually had a sweet spiritual experience in the temple regarding my decision to go forward.
dick: i met him more than 2 years after mr ex man. there were a few random dates and things that were interesting, but never went anywhere. no prayer or confirmations needed.  i governed myself(since i was taught correct principles). back to dick. i did not consider him as a serious possibility at first, but he was tenacious and his charm grew on me. considering all the past failures and my advancing years, i did not want to screw up this time. i prayed the whole time to "know the truth in all things"; to be guided to know if it was a good thing to be with him. i got the green light every time. i checked back to confirm. i studied. i searched out scriptures and general conference talks on the subject. i prayed about what i read and how it related to my growing relationship with dick. i can remember times silently praying to myself while he was talking to me, asking for the power of discernment. i dont feel i can justifiably deny what the Holy Ghost told me. I just cant. HOWEVER i cannot wrap my head around what has happened. it doesnt make sense. it contradicts everything. and. i. just. dont. get. it.
knowing that Heavenly Father knows the end from the beginning, i wonder why he didnt clue me in. did i need another heartbreak of this magnitude? i dont think so.  i truly dont.
oh yeah. i recently discovered that dick is married again.
 

thinking of learning morse code

i dont seem to interpret personal revelation properly and  maybe going to a method of communication that is so basic will improve my understanding. i keep screwing it up. i keep getting it wrong. i think i get an important piece of personal revelation and i act on it and i hit a wall. its happened several times and its creating a moderate trial of faith. 
i dont think Heavenly Father will be on board with switching his methods and who would blame him?  i am certain is my problem, but that brings zero comfort. i really dont know what i am doing to screw this up.
the most recent "communication problem" is regarding dick-i thought i had it figured out-it was just a matter of faith and faith in the Lords timing. but it wasnt. it wasnt that at all. Maybe its just free agency. despite revelation, you still have free agency to make the wrong decision.
i am grasping at straws trying to find a clever way to say what is on my mind and i am not doing it at all. i apologize.
dick has been gone for a long time, but unlike mr ex man or mr nice guy, he had not left my heart.  he has now left my heart. it hurts. i feel foolish. i hate feeling foolish-it makes me angry.
part of me wants to tell the whole story, but i find it so embarrassing that even on an "anonymous" forum such as a blog, i cant bear to talk about it yet. i dont know if i ever will.
i have talked to 2 friends about it. they have been understanding and gave wonderful insight that made a lot of sense, but now i am trying to crawl away from the pit of quick sand of low self esteem that threatens to swallow me up.
i would love if anyone would comment and tell me about any experience you have with screwing up personal revelation.

if you arent crazy, are you boring?

i think i have written a couple of different posts over the years mulling over this topic in one way or another, but its nagging at me again.  the past few months have been nothing but mating season-everyone seems to be pairing off, getting engaged, and getting married. i am not normally a green with envy kind of gal, but if you look close, you might see a bit of chartreuse around the edges. with few exceptions-these girls are kind of crazy. sometimes the guys are too, but never both in the same couple. does "normal" attract crazy or does it go looking for it?  if i have any hopes of snagging a man, do i need to whack it out a bit?  at this point in my life, i am so worn out from the games, i dont think i have it in me to play crazy.  maybe its better to be alone with my boring self and hope that some boring guy will find me as his soul mate.  or maybe i am the kind of crazy that repels men and i am unaware of it, thinking i am "normal". right now i just feel that i am about as exciting as paint drying. i truly want someone who loves me what i am that boring. i will have my moments of crazy fun, but dont we all need to be loved without being "on" all the time?

the stuff

when you break up with someone, what do you do with the stuff?  i held onto most of what i accumulated while married to msof, but when i sold my house, threw everything, but a few pictures away. i dont even know where those pictures are now. weird.
in a fit of rage i threw most of the stuff tgws gave me out the passenger window as i was speeding down the road.  i think i have a few random pictures.
all the stuff from mr ex man-gone.
all the stuff from mr nice guy-gone.
all the stuff from dick-packed away. i rarely take it out and look at it, but i know its there and i have no plans to dispose of it.
what do you keep and what do you throw away?

do guys do that?

i was thinking about Dick and a random memory appeared, seemingly out of the mists of my mind. it was a happy memory and i liked tossing it around in my head since its one of the few(i assume)that i havent worn out like an old cassette tape.
do guys do that?  will a memory of an ex catch you off guard and it is allowed to linger? men are famous for compartmentalizing, so i wonder if walking down memory lane is common.

am i lonely?

i generally dont think about lonliness much. i dont mind being alone and there arent many times that i can truly say i was lonely.
yesterday my 14 yr old niece asked me if i was lonely. my knee jerk reaction was to say no, but her question made me think about it and eventually admit the truth to myself. i am, in fact, lonely.
somehow it makes me feel less to admit that. is it ok to be lonely or is it a symptom of a deeper issue within myself?
i think about Dick every day and miss him, but i am not traumatized by it.  i just feel like i am patiently(usually) waiting. i am not in any sort of deep anguish, but i feel a little lost and wish he was here to anchor me. i have always anchored myself. why do i feel the desire for him to do it now?
i dont want to think about it anymore.

yikes!

i cant believe its been 2 months since i have posted.  i have been busy, but not with anything fun or exciting.  i have had a few ideas for posts that i thought would be interesting, but when it came down to actually logging in and posting, i lost all interest.  blogging used to be one of my favorite things; i hope that feeling comes back.

general update:
mr nice guy admitted that he was still in love with me and i, in no uncertain terms, told him that friendship was the only thing we could ever have in the future.  he seemed to respect that, but the next time we talked he tried to feed me a load of bs that i just did not have the stomach for. so i blocked him. i didnt have a big conversation with him to explain why and hope to soften the blow, i just blocked him on email, facebook, and cell phone.  if he tries to contact me, he will be unable to.  no explanation.  that is unprecedented for me. i like closure. i like explanations and understanding. i just dont care any more.
while i was at it, i blocked mr ex man.  i havent heard from him in several months(random text that i ignored), but i just decided to do it.
i did the right thing-i have no doubt.
still hoping and praying for Dick(yes, blain, i capitalized it for you)to come back.
i canned a bunch of apricot preserves. first time making preserves and my first time canning.
i guess that is it in a nutshell.

first date

msof took me to see e.t. for our first "date".  i say "date" because i wasnt 16 and his mother drove us to the theater and sat a few rows behind us with his 3 little brothers. the movie was good, but we were both distracted by the sexual tension between us.  he finally worked up the courage to hold my hand about 1/2 way through the movie.  i was thrilled, but we let go as soon as the lights went on and never mentioned it again.  we "went together" that summer, but i started ignoring him when his ex girlfriend from the previous year came home from visiting her mother and step dad out of state.
a few months later i met tgws and dated him for the rest of my high school career.
after msof and i were married, he told me that i broke his heart that summer.  i guess he got even when he broke mine by cheating on me with one of my best friends.
this memory was brought to you by my rambling channel surfing that led me to seeing a few minutes of e.t, the extra terrestrial today.

what was i thinking?!

i was with a friend in the perfume department of a major department store when i saw a big display of dicks cologne. i love dicks cologne. i mean i really, really, really, really LOVE his cologne. i dont know anyone else who wears it(its not calvin klein or drakaar noir)so its been a very long time since i have smelled that amazing scent. i looked around for those little slices of card stock that you can use to spritz the cologne on and take with you as a sample,but there wasnt any. i tried just sticking my nose very close to the nozzle, but that didnt work either. so i sprayed some on my own wrist. not smart. what was i thinking?

getting older....

my birthday was last week and although i would not consider myself one of those women who cry with every birthday and insist upon lying about their age, i really do not like getting older.  it really does suck in a lot of ways. i want to be fun and spontaneous. sparkle with an effervescent personality that just draws everyone in, but thats not me. i think it used to be, but it really isnt anymore. i grieve a little for the person i was, but i am surprisingly comfortable with my little circle of wonderful friends and my new-ish skills of saying "no" when i truly dont want to do something.  lately, there isnt much i want to do. i feel a little boring, but surprisingly ok with it. is this just a normal part of getting older? maybe its just me.

what are the odds?

who has ever reunited(peaches and herb, anyone?) with someone after being broken up for a long time?
when msof(my ex husband for those of you who have forgotten, are new to my blog, or have just stumbled upon this)and i were separated about half way through our doomed marriage, i was desperate to get back together. i actually found a book that gave step by step instructions on how to do this. it worked. we got back together for another 5+years before i finally divorced him.  i am not talking about putting a band aid on a gaping chest wound and simply delaying the death of the relationship like i did with msof. i am referring to the chick flick, running towards one another in pouring down rain, embracing without saying a word, and living happily ever after. reality? ever?

http://www.ldsmag.com/component/zine/article/8174?ac=1

interested to know what you think...

miss me?

i miss you.  it might not seem like it, but i do.  there has been nothing too exciting nor catastrophic happen recently. not much to report.  every once in a while i will think of something that would make a good post, but i either promptly forget it or i am not in a situation to write a post or even jot a note to myself to remind me of my great idea.
i am not dating anyone.  i am pining for dick(of tom, dick, and harry).
valentines day was ok. mr nice guy sent me an ecard and i also got one in the mail from him. did i mention that i am still in love with dick(of tom, dick, and harry)? 

screw edward! screw jacob! GIVE ME JAMIE!!

"When I shall stand before God, I shall have one thing to say, to weigh against the rest.Lord, ye gave me a rare woman, and God!  I loved her well." jamie fraser from diana gabaldon's outlander series

i cried.

perception

do you get a lot of compliments? i do. maybe not daily, but fairly frequently and although i dont think i suffer from horribly low self esteem, i just cant help but wonder why the hell these people are lying to me. i dont seek out the compliments, they come without any prompting from me and they seem quite sincere(even if i dont believe them). what i want to know is if i am so amazing, why am i a virtual man repellent? i see crazy women who seem to be beating the guys off with a stick. they have their men on short leashes and those men seem content to jump through those hoops. it that just unhealthy co-dependency or are they on to something? i know its easy to jump into something unhealthy rather than do the work required for a mutually beneficial and happy relationship. is that why so many choose it? i dont want my man to jump through hoops. i want to be happy and i want him to be happy too. is that just crazy? my expectations too high?