exit damage

why inflict more pain on the way out of a relationship? over a year ago i told mr ex man that our needs and wants were not on the same page. we thought they were, but it was becoming increasingly obvious that we were not going in the same direction. i wanted him to be happy and what i wanted to be happy was in direct conflict. i told him i wanted to break up nice. go our separate ways(insert journey song). he begged me not to. he loved me and we could work it all out. i loved this man and i wanted to believe him, so i went for it. it has been a horrible downward slide into hell ever since. i have to take my part. every time i broke up with him(for excellent reasons), i allowed him back. at first it was the begging. the crying. the repentant attitude pleading for another chance. i went for it every time. i really thought this guy was THE ONE. i had fasted. i had prayed. i really did all the right things. i figured the adversary was doing his little schtick and we just had to get through it. it just got worse. i imagine, like most men, he was able to compartmentalize and just go on with his life, while i was limping along emotionally. i was a mess. i think its fairly common for women to blame themselves; wondering what we did wrong to bring all the drama on. were we not pretty enough? too fat? too skinny? not sexy enough? prudish? sleazy? why do we do that? if anyone i knew was going through this and i was presented with these specific circumstances, i know what i would tell them:move on and be grateful that you didnt marry him. can i take my own advice? i think i can now, but its been a very long, very treacherous road. i had a meltdown of sorts yesterday. it was somewhat private. only one friend, via im, was subject to what was going on. i hate that i let myself get this far. i hate that i did not withdraw with grace as i originally set out to do over a year ago. there were times that i played into his passive aggressive game. when he wouldnt agree to break up like a decent human being, i threw some really negative stuff out there. nothing like the profanity and personal insults he threw at me, but i am still guilty of unattractive behavior. its like kiddie games with adult ammunition. scary stuff. mr ex man really threw the f-bombs and other weapons at me over the last week. despite my attempts to really(really)see it his way and try to go his way, it just wasnt working. any disagreement on my part was met with such rage. why doesnt he want me to be happy? if he thinks his desires are so righteous, why does he try to force me? why not go and pray for me, pray for my understanding, and ask Heavenly Father to inspire me? mr ex man preached against being unrighteously compelled to do anything, yet he suggested so many unrighteous things. i am rambling. its cathartic and i thank anyone who held out to the end of this post. i might end up deleting it, but its going out there for now. i wish i had done so many things differently, but i tried out of true affection and love. that cant be all bad, can it?
SOUNDTRACK: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SCVfGCqLMRM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gRuai7Jgdro
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IcDfM4bKfiQ&NR=1