40, single, and mormon, are you KIDDING me?
Interesting. I've been thinking on these questions lately, as I plan on being single and dating again before I die (probably), and really am becoming concerned (not quite anxiety attack inducing afraid) about why anybody would choose to be married to me. I've got flaws and things about me that I'm very, really, quite aware of, and I'm very, really, quite aware that there are women who would not want to have those flaws and things in their lives. I opt not to list them here, with some minor modicum of self-preservation, but do want to disclaim that these flaws and things do not include criminal behaviors, or things most horrid. I'm not a monster, nor a leper, although it can sometimes feel like it. I'm also aware that I have some positive and desired attributes. Like I'm not a complete jerk (I'm a partial jerk), which puts me up on a whole category of guys. And I know how to listen (I don't always, but I know how to). And I've learned things about women that lots of guys haven't by means of this listening thing, including the desirability of listening and not being a complete jerk. But I'm getting the impression that there's an expectation/reality gap going on in this weird world o' dating. Guys want women who are young, pretty, thin, and caring. Women want guys who listen, are strong and sensitive, and financially secure. Everybody wants to avoid people with serious baggage (addictions, eating disorders, mental illness, crazy exes, children with behavior problems, etc.). And everybody wants tinglies and being "in love" and feelings that there is something "forever" going on that they want to have forever.But real people have real problems, and come in real shapes, sizes and situations. Even the clean, pretty and well off have problems with relationships and marriages. And tinglies don't reliably lead to foreverness. The road to forever has a lot to do with dealing with ugly and unpleasant things -- it's not going to be a road paved with butterflies and unicorns. And I'm good with the idea of being with someone who isn't a 25 year old supermodel/porn star, but I don't know that I want anybody I'm with to see themselves as someone I've settled for. Nor do I want someone to be settling to choose to be with me. But there isn't a girl in the world who described me as I am in her diary when she pictured her dream guy, whether she was 15 or 25 or 35 at the time she made that assessment. I've found some great questions, and I know some partial answers, but then it all swirls into the land of the unknown and unknowable. No matter what answers I find, I'm going to, some day, when it's appropriate, be vulnerable, and ask someone out, and then, hopefully, be vulnerable again and let them know things about me that will be reasons to walk away. And I'm none too sure that walking away won't be the right thing to do. But the blog is kinda cool. I don't know if I'll look at it again, but I think it could be helpful for some folks.
blain...sigh. you certainly said a mouthful and it was all true. i think everyone feels this way, at least a little bit, at some point or another.every pot has a lid. every sock has its mate. ying for yang. i am sure there is someone(maybe even more than one)who would consider you a match and not "settling".i get what you are saying about revealing things to someone that very well could be worthy of walking away. when i share these concerns with my friends, they say i am crazy and that nothing i have listed should be a deal breaker to any man. i just dont know. you dont get this far in life without a few scars. they will show sometime.may i ask why your divorce is being delayed for so long?
I think none of us has the perspective to know when our issues are big deals and when they aren't. I have heard some of my issues spoken of with a great deal of disdain among women, so it's not just idle speculation that this could be a problem. OTOH, I've heard women say "As long as he doesn't X, we'll be okay," and I don't X. But I think a lot of folks have an inflated perception of themselves in the meat market, and I think that causes problems. My divorcee is being delayed at the moment due to financial difficulties of coming up with the spare money to pay for the filing fee, comingled with my near anxiety attack provoking fear of dealing with powerful people whose whims can impact my life. When they money is there (which could happen by the end of the year, depending on how a few other huge things turn out), I need to go talk to the family law people at the court-house for a little hand-holding on getting the papers finished up and then the joinder signed and filed and then the judge signs in 90 days. I think. Over the years, it's been other things that have all gone away. It hasn't been hope that we'd get back together for more than a decade.
Thanks for the plug! You should write us a guest post :) Blainn, I occasionally still want to ask my husband what made him decide that he would be ok with my flaws - they can be so difficult to live with! Some days I can see it from his perspective more than others. I am happiest on the days that I can. The truth is, if we see our weaknesses as the things that define us, they will become just that. All we will be are flawed people with a few hidden strengths. I have to remind myself that if I view myself as a wonderful person with a few obscure flaws, I will become just that. That's what my husband chose to see, and I need to choose that too.
Fei -- I'm not likely to see myself as a wonderful person, but I might see myself as good enough, and that's good enough for me. I don't see my flaws as defining me, but they are a part of me. But I'm less concerned about defining myself by them than I am with them being seen as cause to slam the door on any future with me. I'd rather not be someone who lives alone the rest of my life -- that would not be good for me.
fei-i would love to write a guest post!blain- i totally agree. i do not want to be alone. i am willing to wait for the right thing as opposed to filling the void with any old thing, but i really think its time to get on with it. :) its been quite a while for me. you too.
Yeah. I'm pretty good with the patience thing, but I'm not as good with it when I get the impression that, as Mal said, it's a long wait for a train that don't come. I have some more waiting to do. I have some folks in mind to touch base with to see where things might go. I recognize that this might be less-than-flattering (my daughter things it's a little creepy), but I'm really not interested in getting all exclusive with someone (anyone) straight out of the box.