i just started reading elizabeth gilberts(eat,pray,love) new book "committed". its all about her journey back to marriage after swearing she would never marry again after her bitter and ugly divorce. sound familiar? uh, yeah.
i am about half way through and she has given lots of cultural information about marriage around the world and how it has changed for various reasons. right now she is talking about how women earning their own money and becoming more independent has changed things.
she also had this interesting piece on revealing your worst to the person you love to make sure they can handle it. her boyfriend/fiance/husband(depending on where you are at in the book)had a lovely analogy about gemstones(he is a gemstone buyer/importer)and how we all get distracted by the beautiful, sparkly stones, but we have to make sure we can make something out of the less desirable ones as well.
i am not really doing it justice-when i am not feeling so lazy, i think i will type it up verbatim. it really is pretty good and quite brilliant, in my opinion.
anyway-it got me thinking how we always put our best foot forward, which is good-for a while. appearing to be perfect or hide the flaws that will creep out eventually and disillusion the person who believed we were essentially with out fault(whatever)will only create issues down the line.
reminds me of one of the last things msof(mr soldier of fortune, my ex husband)ever said to me: "i married you because you were perfect and now you arent." WTF?!? i didnt even know i was supposed to be keeping up with that expectation or standard. it haunts me to this day.
looking back, i can honestly say that i put zero effort into trying to make msof think i was perfect. that was honestly his own misconception of a good mormon girl who practiced what she preached. he thought since i had these values that some mormon mojo would rub off on him and make his life somehow bullet-proof.
what i am ashamed to say is that when my marriage started falling apart, i attempted to be perfect in all aspects in the misguided notion that if i was better, it would fix whatever was ailing us. so silly.
as you can tell, the book has got me thinking. maybe too much.
I've often said that finding the right person isn't finding someone who has all the qualities you want, but who has the faults you can most easily live with.
ReplyDeleteIt took me a while to figure that out, but if you only look at the good things, the bad things have a way of sneaking up on you. I approached Hannah in this manner. Our biggest lifestyle disagreements are that I watch rated-R movies and she doesn't. Also I prefer to take the daily shower before bed rather than in the morning. Finally, she does not approve of my want to name my first-born son Reginald, "Reggie" for short. There are probably other thing, like the fact that I'm always late and she freaks if we show up at 8:01 instead of 8:00, or the fact that she's a little weepy(not the "woe is me" weepy, I just use "weepy" to people from whom tears burst more commonly) and I'm dead inside. The thing is, I recognize these all as faults or flaws, but they're all things I could live with forever. This goes with your quote in the next post but I read this one first.
I'm glad you defined "msof," I always assumed it meant your Ex but I couldn't figure out what it stood for.
did you ever see empire records? when aj and corey are on the roof he tells her that he loves her and he knew it when she wore a blue dress that he hated and he realized he still loved her.even in the blue dress. we all deserved to be loved even though we hate the clothes or the little idiosyncrasies that everyone has.
ReplyDeleteso what is it about hannah that makes dealing with all those annoyances worth it?
i almost didnt put the definition of msof. :) glad it helped.