just reading modern mormon single mom and i just have to give a shout out to her and how impressed i am. my ex-husband and i tried for almost our entire marriage to have children. it never happened. i count it as one of the biggest heartbreaks of my life, yet it turned into a blessing. i cannot imagine having to deal with mr soldier of fortune(my ex husband, will explain the nickname later) for the rest of my life because we had a child together. reading her post my my heart ache because i can imagine what she is dealing with, but she is holding her head high and doing what is necessary to provide for her child and herself.

i'm converting

to catholicism and becoming a nun. seems so much easier than dealing with the random dating and having to explain over and over again why sex is not an option. my 3rd date with mr jack mormon(guy from saturday night, just thought of his code name)was really fun. heck, it would have to be since it lasted for 8 freakin hours. although i know that there will never be anything long term or exclusive between us, i would like to see him again and maybe have my first ever NCMO. this is the first time ever that i have had the experience of really enjoying being with a guy and knowing there will never be anything exclusive or permanent between us. its a real sense of freedom. i feel completely comfortable with him and dont feel any anxiety about the normal early dating stuff. but now he's being weird. why does he have to ruin it? we flirted a lot, but now he says i am sexually torturing him. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? we havent even kissed. he emailed me after our date and asked me if i wanted to snuggle. knowing that "snuggle" could be code for sex, i made sure to define terms and once we were clear, i let him know i would love a "snuggle"(his term, not mine). now i am torturing him? whatever.

mr soldier of fortune(msof) the story continues

msof graduated high school and went directly into the military. his recruiter was at graduation and they left from there. I heard through the grapevine that he was looking for me when he came home on leave after basic training,but i was knee deep in tgws drama and did not make myself available to be found. fast forward a couple of years-it was summertime and i had graduated from high school,working for a portrait studio and loving it. it was the perfect hours for my night owl and dating habits. it was a slow day at the studio and i was sitting in the front lobby talking to the receptionist, watching people go by when i saw this guy walking across the parking lot towards our front door. he wasnt anyone i had photographed the week before so i knew he wasnt coming to view his proofs and he certainly wasnt dressed to have his picture taken,but something about the way he walked seemed familiar and as he made his way across the parking lot and he came more in focus i realized it was msof. i couldnt believe it-what was he doing here? how did he find me? why was my heart beating so fast and where did that silly grin come from? i had broken up with tgws the previous fall and was just beginning to get over the heartbreak. i had dated a little and there were two guys who wanted my sole attention, but i kept side stepping those discussions. technically free as a bird, but i had a full dance card. so he's standing there in front of me and we are smiling at each other and asking how the other is doing, etc. we spent a few minutes catching up and when i asked him how he knew how to find me he told a funny story about going to my house and talking to my dad(infamous for his anti social behavior)and getting my work address from him. a client came in to have their picture taken, so we said our good byes. i told him if he got bored, to give me a call and we would do something. just as i was closing the studio, my sister was calling me from home. she sounded irritated. the conversation went something like this: her: msof is here. he wants to know when you are coming home. me: did you tell him? her: no. me: let me talk to him. her: hold on. at this point i hear the door open and her say "here, she wants to talk to you" and then i hear the door slam. msof: whats her problem? me: i have no idea. whatcha doin? msof: waiting for you, are you going to be home anytime soon? me:(trying to control the excitement in my voice)just getting ready to walk out to the car. should be there in about 20 minutes(10 if i ignore all traffic laws between here and there, but i didnt say that to him of course). when i pulled up to the house, he was waiting there in his mom's burgendy 87 camaro i walked up to the car and he rolled the window down.
i just want to say that at this point, despite my broken heart from my relationship with tgws, i am pretty innocent and naive. i never would have admitted it back then, but the truth is that i was somewhat sheltered. i thought msof was the exact opposite of heavy metal-druggie tgws. conservative military guy who had a life plan. man was i wrong, but that will all unfold as i tell the story.

is that weird?

today is msof's birthday. my date tonight was asking me a few questions about my marriage(basic date style fact finding)and when i gave him a few honest answers he asked me if it still hurts me to talk about it. its been so long and i have come so far, it really doesnt. its almost like it didnt happen to me and its just a story i tell about someone else, but it did happen to me and much of the story is pretty ugly and sometimes embarrassing. he was surprised(as most people are)that i havent spoken to msof since our divorce. he asked if i thought i would ever speak to him again. the answer to that is NO. i have blogged about it previously, so i wont drone on about it again, but the bottom line is that having any sort of communication or relationship with him would be pointless and serve absolutely no purpose.

date night

ok. so the same guy that asked me out 2 weeks ago is asking me out again tonight. he makes me laugh, i kind of want to go, but just wondering if i should. if i was one of those girls who subscribed to "the rules" i think i would be kicking him to the curb. he is even more casual than i am-planning dates at the last minute(lazy or spontaneous?)and just kind of hanging out and then going to get dinner. i hate to manufacture high maintenance behavior in myself just to make a guy jump through some hoops to see if he really finds me worth the trouble, but i also can fall into the category of making it too easy with my normal, casual attitude. its not low self esteem, its just me. for the most part i dont like to make a big deal out of too much and i certainly dont want a guy to make a big deal just because he thinks thats the only way to impress me. it should all come from sincere intention and if you are just a sloth who isnt going to follow through and do nice things once the hunt is over, dont pretend otherwise. just like i wont pretend that i spend every waking moment in high heels and full makeup.

white noise

i have never regularly attended a singles ward. i went to an university ward one time with electrcial engineer rm(eerm),but i saw singles wards only as a way to "catch" a husband and since i was a serial monogamist, i was never without a boyfriend long enough to want to leave my family ward and immerse myself in a singles ward. i was 30 when i divorced mr soldier of fortune(msof)so i was thrown into a whole new category of lds singles. previously called "special interest" singles and now simply called "single adults"(as opposed to YOUNG single adults). subliminal message: "youre old and we have to keep you away from the kids". there arent too many of them, but in my area they actually have an over 30 singles ward and i let a friend talk me into going with him. i have to give a disclaimer. i have a testimony of the church and know this is a program developed by the church to address the needs of this ever growing population within our membership, but......its weird. just plain weird. i feel bad saying that. i feel horrendous guilt saying that, but i just have to let it out! it was totally weird. first of all, no one said a single word to us. not hi, not get the hell out, nothing. has that ever happened in the history of modern mormonism? we were worried we were going to be assulted as fresh meat(i mean we are both kind of cute, so you would think, right?),but no. the meeting it self was dry as a bone. the talks were unintersting, but the oddest thing was the silence. i had never realized the white noise that exists at the typical sacrament meeting in a family ward. cheerios dropping, babies slurping on bottles, high priests gently snoring, and a variety of other noises like babies crying and the rustle of diaper bags were completely absent. it was creepy. the silence was the weirdest thing of all.

happy birthday

today is mr ex man's birthday. i didnt call, text, or email him. i wont. kind of irritated that i remembered it. just want to be past it all and not think about him anymore. i was doing pretty well until today when i remembered his dang birthday. in this area, for this one time, i would like to be like a man and just be able to forget important dates and compartmentalize all my thoughts and emotions so they didnt sneak up on me like they did today. sigh. attempted aversion therapy by thinking of all the a-hole things he said and did, but thats like opening a wound. dont want to do that.

seriously?

really? is this what it takes to be sexy today? what is the deal with guys thinking the girl on girl action is so "awesome"? this seriously gets on my nerves. i have yet to meet a woman who gets all hot and bothered when they see guys kiss each other. men certainly wouldnt do it in order to make a girl jealous or turn them on. why do girls/women do it? why is acting like a lesbian so freakin sexy? my gay friends hate the trend-basically its a lie;another form of the big sex fakeout-something that will not continue after you become exclusive and get married. its a ploy. arggggggggghhhhhhhhh! maybe the guys will explain it to me. not that any explanation would make it right, but just clue me in. it seems like the girls/women almost feel peer pressure to act "sexy" in this way. prove that they arent uptight prudes. calvin and jake certainly have a story to tell for the rest of their lives. it didnt seem like it, but i wonder if, on any level, what brittney did made calvin want to get back together with her. did the light switch back on?

invisible touch

i am sure i am not alone when i say that music can really throw you back in time. i was listening to pandora when this song came on. i gave it a thumbs up and then went to youtube to listen to it again. i love this song. never really cared for genesis until mr electrical engineer returned missionary(the 2nd of only 2 rm's i ever dated) included this song on one of the mixed tapes(it was the 80's! mixed tapes were COOL)he made for me. i am sure if really thought about it i could come up with other songs that were on some of those tapes, but this one sticks out. he made a point of telling me when he gave me the first tape that every song had a meaning and he didnt include anything without a purpose. he was 26 and i was 18 and i am sure some of his meaning was lost on me, but not this song. i drove him crazy, but he loved me. i wish i loved him back. he was good to me and would have been a good husband and father. why doesnt the heart obey? i will explain more about eerm in a future post. there was some pretty good stuff there.

(not so)subtle hints

i am all about tying up loose ends.i dont like to leave things unsaid or undone. especially when ending a relationship; it just leaves doors ajar waiting to be opened. i want doors and windows shut tight. we are done. GO AWAY. so my 'friend' who used me for almost a month for advice and emotional support texts me yesterday. "are you dont being pissed off at me?" uh. no. oh sure, i will do the Christ-like thing and forgive him and move on. his friendship was in no way pivitol in my life and that is part of the reason i am mad that i involved myself in the way i did. it was stupid. the way he handled things was insulting and unkind. totally thoughtless.immature. yes, i am done being pissed off, i said everything that i needed to say, but i am also done being your friend.

single girl mascot

there is a couple in my ward who throws an awesome halloween party every year. i have seen the pictures and heard the stories and objectively, they are awesome parties. i get invited, but have never gone. there have been times i just didnt feel like being social and other times that i had scheduling conflicts. this year, when i got the evite something stood out to me that i never noticed before. i am the lone single person invited to this party. i am sure it was the same for previous years, but i never noticed or paid attention until now. it was weird scanning down the list of invitees and seeing couple after couple and standing out was my name. all by itself. i could go by myself and be fine. its not that. i know all these people and have fun with them. i could take a date, but that could seriously backfire on me. mormons like to match everyone up and marry them off as soon as possible and showing up with a date could make me fair game for that kind of craziness. i know the last time i brought a date to church was a nightmare. the questions. the goofy grins. everything short of a wink and a gentle elbow to the ribs. i hate that and being at a party removes all the propriety that being at church provides. mmmmmm what to do?

how rumors get started

did you know that amy winehouse is a member of the church? the missionaries found her, taught her the discussions,cleaned her act up, she got baptized, and she was at my stake conference today! check out famous mormons to see the whole story. ok ok! i am totally yanking your chain, but there was a girl at stake conference today who looked exactly like amy winehouse, but cleaned up and with a sweet spirit. the hair and make up were totally toned down, but still reminiscent of the real, non lds amy winehouse.

body language

i love to people watch. i think its particularly interesting to watch people during church. especially couples. its stake conference time, so i went to the adult session last night. i got there pretty early so i got to watch a lot of people. nothing too exciting, just your average stake conference where 75% of the congregation shows up according to mormon standard time .
an old friend showed up and sat next to me so we got to catch up and good naturedly mock old friends from our past, distracting me from my people watching for a little bit. the conference was good, but not fantastic,so i found my eyes wandering around until they found something interesting to settle on. just a few rows in front of me i see this woman practically sitting on the edge of her seat, with her arms folded, and looking supremely uncomfortable. i am wondering what is going on with her-is she in pain? need to run to the ladies room? then i notice that someone has their arm around her. a very nice forearm nicely dressed in a long sleeve, white shirt. he was gently rubbing her arm in a very nice way, but she was having none of it. normally when a guy you like(or love)is sitting next to you and he has his arm around you, you lean IN, not scoot your skinny little butt to the end of the chair. i watched this on and off for the rest of the adult session. she got up twice(where did she go, what did she do?)and left the chapel, only to return a few minutes later. the last time she came back, she had her arms crossed, rubbing her upper arms like she was cold. i tried to telepathically send her a message: "honey! the cute guy with the nice forearms next to you will keep you warm! thaw out a bit and lean into him." my powers are weak or she was blocking me. the message never got through. i saw them today at the regular session. 4 little kids sitting between them, him still looking at her like he is trying to get through and do whatever he can to make her happy and her still looking pretty irritated and unwilling to be pleased. sigh. who knows? maybe he is a big jerk and likes to make nice at church and she is sick of the facade. maybe being a young family with so many little kids is weighing heavy on them and they are doing the best they can. i just think she should lean in....

funny thing happened today

i woke up thinking of my ex husband, mr soldier of fortune. i dont think of him all that much anymore which is a very good thing. lately, any thoughts of him are brought on by questions or comments from others that knew me when i was married and go something like this: "remember that time when mr soldier of fortune was acting like a complete a-hole and...." everyone has a mr soldier of fortune story and it can be fun to relive them, but the thing that amazes me is how painfully aware my friends and family were of what a jerk he was. i thought i successfully hid a lot of it, but i was fooling myself. when i finally invited him to leave our home and our marriage(kicked his a-hole self out), there was a rousing cheer from my camp. everyone came forward with their stories and heart felt relief that i was finally out. when i asked why they never said anything, all of the pretty much told me that i was married to him, seemed to love him, so why make my life more difficult with their complaints? my friends and family love me and they supported me even through the craziness. our anniversary is coming up. for many years it has slipped by without me noticing until days later. not this year. it occurred to me this morning that i have been divorced longer than i was married. seems weird-like it happened to someone else and i just know the story, but the story is mine and it did happen to me. i once heard a quote that went something like "the opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference". i have been there for a long time with him and it is such a relief to think of him and not be angry or heartbroken or full of that hatred that can come with an ugly divorce. true indifference. his impact on me has diminished to nothing but stories from faded memories.

lloyd and jim

i love lloyd and jim. i'd take either one of them in a heart beat.
in many ways lloyd dobler from say anything and jim halpert from the office are the same guy. kind and thoughtful men who would do anything for the girl they loved. all man, but not macho. my long love affair with john cusack began with say anything and continues to this day. i have seen him in interviews and he certainly comes across as a genuine and funny guy, but i would never want to meet him in person and risk the image being shattered. jim loved pam for years before they got together. he was her friend and made her laugh every single day. i chatted with someone from one of the lds dating sites who said he was looking for his "pam". my question was: are you a "jim"? i think what brought out some of the best in pam was how jim saw who she truly was, how wonderful she was, and only wanted the best for her. now they are having a baby and getting married. i am sure lloyd and diane are still in london living an amazing life. maybe we could get cameron crowe(another nice and nerdy guy who got the cool chick in the end. in real life,no less!)to do a sequel and show them in their middle age. i think they would still be happy, still in love, and making it all work. i like happy endings. working on my own.

yes!

the super smart girl at why i'm still single really summed up some stuff i had been thinking in little fragments,but she pulled it all together and wrote something approaching profound and presented it beautifully. READ IT!!! :)

friends-not just no....HELL NO

i am so mad. mad at him. mad at myself. i am pretty sure i have mentioned the kid i dated a few years ago. way, way younger than me. a few dates and i knew even as cute and sweet as he was, it would never go any where. we just kind of fizzled out. no big deal. no broken hearts, no hysterics. we didnt really communicate much. maybe an occasional text or email. then he friended me on facebook. i was in it up to my eyeballs with mr ex man, so my attention was elsewhere. i did notice that his profile listed him as married(never gave me the heads up on that one),but it didnt matter. strange he didnt mention it, but whatever. about 3 weeks ago he calls me at 5 am. by time i got to the phone he had already left me this heartbreaking message about how he needed a friend. i call him back, knowing what he was going to tell me. his new wife(#3 and he's not even 30)had packed up and left him while he was at work. he tells me the very sad story and i think i know him well enough to say that he was truly a victim, but he loves her and wanted to do whatever he could to bring her back. i gave the best advice i could. suggested he pray, go to the temple, and just listened to him. sometimes 3-4 a day. cheered for him(and gave a good natured "i told you so")when she started speaking to him again and plans for her return were made. considering all of this, i was pretty surprised when he just dropped out. calls and texts stopped-he even stopped returning my texts. i was irritated,but figured he was concentrating on getting stuff together for her return and our "friendship" was morphing back to its previous state. while on facebook the other day, my spidey sense told me to see if he was still on my friends list. guess what! he wasnt. i was so pissed off. to me, this was a huge slap in the face. if he had called or text'd that he was paring down his friends list to make good with his wife, i would have understood completely. but bailing after the last month and to not even give me a heads up? not cool. i was going to send hinm a scathing email, decided against it, and just let it all go. 2 days later he is calling me to ask for my prayers for his wife who is driving long distance to get home to him. after i told him i would be happy to pray for them, i let him know exactly how i felt. he had the audacity to get mad at me! he attempted to make lame excuses for his behavior and when i wouldnt buy into them, hung up on me. he called about an hour later, but i wouldnt answer. his voice mail was all apologetic, but the damage is done. he was one of my few exceptions where friendship after dating seemed to have worked out. not any more. i am now stronger in my conviction that it just doesnt work and those who think it does are simply fooling themselves.

i am going to freakin loose my mind!

a good friend of mine(non member)was telling me about a woman she works with(member)whose husband emptied their bank account to get a flight out of town so he could go stay with his mommy. apparently he did not appreciate when she laid down the law forbidding pornography in their home and let him know she would no longer allow his rages towards her or their 4 children. what the hell is going on?!?! ok, i know whats going on. these are the last days and the advesary is working overtime, but COME ON. i am worn out from hearing these stories. they used to be rare and even then you were never sure if they were true(mormon urban myth),but now it seems like they are all true. when my brother was called into the bishopric of a newly formed ward he was told that when submitting names for callings to not ask questions if a name was rejected because there were eighteen elders being counseled for pornography addictions and working through the repentance process. that is just one ward and only the ones who were willing to admit and come forward regarding the issue. how many more are too ashamed or dont think its a problem? i have heard a lot of whining about the "natural man", how men are visual creatures, and once they have seen a naked woman, they simply cannot be held responsible for their actions. i cannot remember the last time i heard one of these stories where the man stood up and just claimed the fact he was acting selfishly and irresponsibly, begged for his wife's forgiveness and got down to the business of repenting and repairing his relationships. statistics show that men are not the only ones addicted to porn. i dont have any stories or personal knowledge of a woman being involved and destroying her family with pornography, but have personal knowledge of 2 women who up and left their husbands and their children. yep, the kids too. that stuns me more than the porn epidemic. i just mention it because i know that the crazy divorce rate does not fall at the feet of men only. women can be big jerks too.

random shallowness

i hate when grown men wear short sleeve dress shirts. even in the summertime. mr ex man wore them and got so pissed off at me when i told him that i loved him despite the fact he wore the dreaded short sleeve white shirt. it was truly a joke. i was blinded by my love for him and didnt even care. not even a tiny bit. there is something about a long sleeve dress shirt neatly buttoned at the wrist or even better- rolled up to expose strong forearms. sigh. i even like the colored shirts that are so popular with some of the guys now. some would say not to even think about entering the chapel without a white shirt and tie, but not me. unless you are passing the sacrament or participating in some other ordinance and then the white shirt and tie are required!

the hiatus

i never really announced "the hiatus". it wasnt a snap decision, it really just evolved from my utter frustration and disbelief at the dating tactics of the average mormon guy. i frequently regret my decision to start dating at all, but my date last night did not add to that regret and i cannot even express my relief. it was totally spontaneous and we had a good time. nice dinner and lively conversation. lots of laughter. i know most women would rank "sense of humor" in the top 3 things they are looking for in a man, but i am serious(no pun intended)about it! i need someone who can make me laugh. they dont have to be a stand up comedian, but they have to be able to let loose and be funny and allow themselves to be entertained as well. i think i will probably go out with this guy again, but there is zero possibility for an exclusive relationship.

breaking the hiatus

got asked out to dinner today. not sure if i want to break the hiatus,but i am letting him do the little asking out ritual.he's a nice guy and i am sure we would have fun, just dont know if i am willing to play nice for a whole evening.

my weakness

what is it about blue collar guys? construction workers, mechanics, you name it and my heart just does little leaps. i am visiting family in another state and ended up at the local college today. basically a bunch of freshmen running around trying to find their way around, but then i noticed this MAN. i swear i have some sort of radar for this type of guy. he was probably in his mid to late 20's, about 5'11", brown hair cut short and a well groomed goatee. he was wearing those dark blue pants with the lighter blue shirt that has the oval patch with his name embroidered on it.he sat down in a chair and slid down in the most casual way, extending his leg out. he was wearing those black work boots that just look so GOOD. i have dated a few of the white collar, pencil pusher types, but my weakeness is the blue collar guy. i suppose freud would have a blast analyzing it, but i am not going to worry about it and just enjoy the view.

mr soldier of fortune aka my ex husband

i consider it a great accomplishment to look back on my marriage, remember the good stuff, look back fondly on a few things, and share them here. then i will rip him to shreds. kidding. kind of.
before he was mr soldier of fortune, he was a kid i knew in my neighborhood. we never really dated, but there was this innocent little fling(we never even kissed) the summer before my freshman year of high school that included trips to the pool and holding hands under the water so no one could see that we LIKED each other. i was so shy and inexperienced with this stuff that it never went anywhere. we were friendly in school, but never hung out. he ran with the rowdy boys and i stuck with my menagerie of friends. he seemed really irritated when i started dating tgws. asking me what i was doing with him and giving tgws major attitude.early in my relationship with tgws, we went to a school dance. at one point he excused himself to go to the mens room and out of nowhere msof appeared and asked me to dance. i was on the dance floor with him(dancing to this song) when tgws got back.he was not happy. i brushed it off as a friend thing, but i knew msof did it to piss him off and i let him. one of his favorite things to irritate tgws was to compliment my butt when i wore levi's 501's. man, he hated that. tgws graduated when i was going into my junior year and for some reason, i saw a lot more of msof. it was mainly in passing and he would usually make some sort of smart ass comment after which i would playfully slap or punch him. one time i must have hit him a little too hard because he yelled, "take it easy!" to which i replied, "you know you love me". what he followed up with really caught be off guard, "you are living in the past". living in the past?! was he saying he loved me at one time? he never told me, how would i know? i didnt dwell on it for long, but it never left me. it probably one of the reasons i went out with him 3 years later when he showed up on my doorstep with his military haircut and asked me to come with him.