Thursday, October 29, 2009

i hate this

i was on the phone early this morning with a good friend who is going through some major family issues. her husband is a difficult jerk who is passing his behavior on to his(their)children. my strong, fun, full of life friend is a shadow of her former self. she is literally a shell. she has no real refuge. her husband treats her with blatant disrespect in front of the kids and rarely backs her up when she attempts discipline. she really is not the meek or door mat type, but in her efforts to be a supportive wife and mother she lost herself and allowed everyone to put her last. why do women allow this to happen? i know i did it in my marriage. when things started going south, i let him convince me it was my fault and altered my behavior to show my support and willingness to create a fulfilling marriage. it was his way of manipulating me and it worked. i hate that it worked. i know that my friend looks back on the last 20 years of her life and hates that it worked on her. i think it was President Hinckley who talked about that if both people in a marriage make an effort each day to ensure the happiness and well being of their spouse, so much unhappiness and divorce would be eliminated. the unfortunate thing is that there is so little of that. people just dont do it. why? why do we take for granted and abuse the one we promised to love and care for above all others. i am rambling again. i hate this.
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6 comments:

  1. AnonymousOctober 29, 2009 at 10:01 AM

    We abuse because it works. And because we don't know what else to do.

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  2. noybOctober 29, 2009 at 10:42 AM

    it goes beyond that. where does it start? what makes a woman "battle" with love and a man battle with cruel words and demeaning behavior? there are no absolutes, exceptions to everything, but there is definitely a trend.

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  3. KellyOctober 29, 2009 at 6:05 PM

    I think it starts when a teenager gets away with sassing his mother and her husband lets it happen. Learned behavior in the home...

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  4. JenXOctober 29, 2009 at 8:48 PM

    I can't explain it either. I'm not sure I would have left if I didn't have a child to put first. I *knew* I was better than that, but he had so many issues and confrontation in the heat of the moment only made things worse. So I'd suck it up and walk away with the intent to talk about it rationally later. I also felt sorry for him, and yet I wasn't able feel sorry for myself. After time it just wore me out.

    I am so glad I had a wake up call when I did. The night he started yelling at me and woke up the baby and then *continued* to yell at me even after I was in the baby's room -- holding her and trying to get her to stop crying, I hit my breaking point and ended it then and there.

    I think some women stay because they are trying to be noble, some because they are scared and can't support themselves, some because they have low self esteem and don't want to be alone, and some because they are codependent. The more factors that are combined the more likely it is they will stay in a bad relationship.

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  5. noybOctober 30, 2009 at 10:07 AM

    i think all those points are dead on. i remember oprah relating something that maya angelou told her: "believe someone when they tell you who they are." we are taught to believe the best in someone,but when they show us who they are with their horrible behavior or cruel words, we need to believe them and get out. its hard to do when such a high regard is given to marriage in our culture. no one wants to be a quitter. i wasted 5 years on msof. i should have walked away, but i was so ashamed of getting divorced that all i could focus on was reconciling with him. as members of the church, we believe that through the Atonement, all can come to Christ, be healed, and truly change, but that change takes work and unfortunately, those changes dont usually come when we enable the negative. its like we are begging them to just be a decent human being. i am getting so pissed off just writing this! lol

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  6. annaNovember 2, 2009 at 8:25 PM

    i think it often starts with a little verbal abuse when the woman is young/newly married/naive/whatever and won't stick up for what is right...becomes a pattern and develops into as much as the man can get away with. usually these men are low self-esteem and there is no saving them. her best chance is to just leave and hope that he straightens up and they can work it out. otherwise, if she isn't happy (and this is clearly abuse) she should just move on.

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