now that i have a profile on a dating site, i am getting some feedback from my friends and the overwhelming opinion seems to be that i need to be a bitch. lay down the law and if the men dont tow the line, then good riddance.
several of my friends have each told me that i give too many chances. i dont like the sounds of that. it makes me sound desperate and willing to take any crap that a man dishes out. not the case, but....but...but...they are probably right.
case in point: i cant tell you how many dates mr nice guy broke because his mother pulled him away with some ridiculous task. the first time i was irritated, but understanding. the second time, not so much and i took the opportunity to be sure my expectations were clearly outlined. he was appropriately apologetic and made some grand gestures to make it up to me. the third time...well the third time scored about a 7 on the richter scale. i broke up with him, but when he came back months later, again, very apologetic and ready to make it up to me, i wasnt such an easy sell. he convinced me, but he just repeated the behavior.too many chances.
there are other examples, but i wont bore you with them here, but i will say that until my marriage, i had a reputation of being a bitch. a bitch that plenty of guys/boys/men wanted to be with and were willing to do whatever i wanted.
the good thing with that was that while i was demanding, i wasnt demeaning. i demanded respect and courtesy and i reciprocated. it wasnt about making him hold my purse while shopping endlessly in the mall or sending him like an errand boy to buy tampons. i have never had a man do either for me. i am sure just about everyone(except msof)would have done either for me, i just never asked.
i dont want to be a bitch for the sake of being a bitch, but i certainly will look for the red flags and not allow for the things i allowed for in the past. i graded on a curve and i wont be doing that anymore. i guess i was extending kindness that i hoped would be extended to me,but it doesnt work that way. unfortunately.
if i can hang in there and not delete my profile, i will probably give you guys all of the gory details. sounds fun, doesnt it?
I disagree with the premise that what you need to do is be a bitch. You might need to do things that will make you feel like you're being one, but the world is not experiencing a shortage of bitches.
ReplyDeleteYou know I'm a little shaky on this whole dating thing, but what I'm coming to is the idea that the optimal is not the princessy crap the lady in "The Case for Settling" is putting down, but neither is it the door-matty unending tolerance thing. If there is something seriously intolerable, going on, then cut it off (like a certain Mr Ack-jay orman-May) and be done with it. If you've given it time and it's just not a match, then it's just not a match, so cut it off and be done with it. But don't cut it off and be done with it because he's wearing a black belt with brown shoes, or maybe a little light on hair or something else that's cosmetic and vapid. There are lots of good guys who are going to say and do stupid and cosmetically unappealing things -- and lots and lots of world-class pricks who know how to dress nice and be charming.
At no point, is it a question of being a bitch v being kind. It's a question of whether you have a serious problem or not, and whether this is someone you can have a happy life with. Dating someone isn't a reward, and ending things isn't a punishment. It's not a game.
Not the way I understand it. Not the way I want to do it.
I am a fan of "good enough" over "perfect."
i am reading "marry him" by lori gottleib(sp) who is making a case for "good enough". i am about half way through. i vacillate between finding it insightful and downright depressing.
ReplyDeletei definitely dont think its a game, but EVERYONE seems to operate under that misconception and i feel like i either have to join in and play the best i can without selling my soul or just get out all together.
loved the pig latin and your (not so)subliminal message.