Wednesday, July 21, 2010


i think all desire to have a child has left me. its been kind of creeping up over the last year or so. i noticed it when i was at a baby shower and as women are wont to do, they were all telling their "war" stories. their tales of being in the trenches and all they went through. all that came to my mind was "yuck" and "ouch". when they spoke of things like having their membranes stripped(what the...?!)or an episiotomy,where i once listened with great interest, i just felt icky. then i felt guilty.
is it normal to out grow wanting a baby?
never having a baby during my marriage was the biggest blessing that came from the biggest heartache in my life.
when i divorced, i still had plenty of time to meet someone and have a baby. no big deal. WHATEVER. i didnt date for years while i healed a broken heart and got my head straight from all the freaky mind tricks msof played on me. the biological clock was ticking, but it wasnt loud and it wasnt angry. i just figured it would happen.
well... here i am 42 years old, and while getting pregnant is certainly a possibility, its definitely not a probability. the clock is winding down and i dont know if i even care. maybe if i was married, it would matter more to me, but for now, it doesnt and its a relief in many respects to not have that yearning. the downside is, more often than not, the men i see on the dating site want kids. again, possible, but not probable.
i love kids. i so involved with my nieces and nephews and while i realize that is not being a parent, i dont have any bottled up maternal instinct that i need to use up.i have fed, changed diapers, and comforted scads of babies and toddlers. i think i would be a good step-parent for what thats worth.
in a family focused church, is a woman worth anything if she cant reproduce? dont misunderstand me. I KNOW i am worth something, but the demand for my type of girl could be low amongst lds guys. mr nice guy was convinced we would have kids no matter what and mr ex man had several, so me having kids mattered little to him.
just thinking out loud. my personal pro/con list seems to be shifting off balance.


  1. I think it's between you and God, and something to be very clear about when you're in negotiations toward marriage. I don't think you're evil to not be baby-hungry.

  2. the negotiations worry me. if i fall in love with a man who really wants children, i would be on board, but my body might not be. there are limitations and restrictions to be sure. can a man love a woman enough that children can be taken out of the equation?
    the only real life experience i have with this is gbf. his husband really wanted kids, but after a few years conceded to no kids for a variety of really good reasons.

  3. My mother had kids at 45. Adoption is also an option, and so is not having any at all. Life gives us so many choices doesn't it?

  4. You could also be a foster parent (it's like renting kids). It may be a bit harder cause they usually come with some baggage but some of the foster kids that we had in my parents' home were just great. I think some women are having children til into their 60s according to the guinness book of world records. Apparently the average age for women is 51.7 to have menopause. So you have some good years left!