no one wants to play?

i love name that tune. probably because i am GOOD at it. :) anyway, out driving to meet some friends today and this song came on.


it was the first record(thats right, i said RECORD. a 45 that i played on my barbie record player)i ever owned. my dad bought it for me at kmart. the b side was "love is thicker than water". odd,random memory brought on by hearing the above song on the radio today.
the video totally cracks me up. andy gibb was considered to be a real FOX(70's speak for hot)back then. pretty hilarious.

posted earlier:
Guess the title & artist of this song:

'open up the heaven in your arms and let me see the things you are to me & not some puppet on a string'

another flash back

this song came up while i was watching "men of a certain age". i have never really listened to the marshall tucker band, but mr ex man sent me this youtube and well...you know. its like never being aware of a specific car and when someone you know gets one, you suddenly see them all over the place.
the same with some of the songs mr ex man would send to me. before he brought the marshall tucker band to my attention, i never would have noticed them. it doesnt come up very often, but when they come on the radio or in the soundtrack of a tv show i am watching. it catches my ear.
heres a sample:

I'm gonna find me a hole in the wall,
I'm gonna crawl inside and die
'Cause my lady, now a mean old woman, Lord
Never told me goodbye
Can't you see, oh, can't you see,
What that woman she been doin' to me
Can't you see, oh, can't you see,
What that woman, she been doin' to me

thats just the second verse. it was the first of what i called his "f-you songs". he HATED when i called them that. he claimed the song demonstrated his deep love and the anguish of how things were not going right between us. whatever.
sigh. i was just enjoying a few days of uninterrupted, not thinking of mr ex man time. then here come the marshall tucker band. thanks. thanks a lot.

more c.s. lewis

“Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on: you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of — throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were going to be made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself.” (C.S. Lewis)

necessities

“Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art.... It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival.”
―C.S. Lewis

ho ho horny

“What makes the engine go? Desire, desire, desire.”
— Stanley Kunitz

maybe not the cheeriest of topics. well, maybe if you are actually sexually active(all righteous and legal of course)
msof and i would always come home after spending Christmas morning with our families and hit the sheets. usually a few times throughout the day. holiday sex is kind of up there with birthday and anniversary sex. the details make it sexier. more fun. more than likely you have had the day off and you are happy from all the delicious food and the gifts you received.
i have always maintained that celibacy is not only feasible, but easier than most of the whiny cry baby(mostly men)people out there claim it to be.
wellllll....today i am the whiny cry baby. i want my holiday nookie!(imagine me stomping my foot, crossing my arms, and pouting).
i slacked off on my airborne for a few days and now i am sick. nothing major. cold and flu symptoms. low grade misery. add that to the general malady of Christmas as a single person and being alone in the house sick(i tend to get emotional when physically weak),
i would be happy with a ncmo, but the only guy i have on deck(damn dating hiatus)wants sex. yes, i am talking about mr jack mormon. he wants the whole thing. making out is not enough. not very condusive to the spirit of giving. while i get what i would consider a satisfying connection, he would walk away, shall we say, uncomfortable. sigh. happy freaking holidays.
its the cold talking. i swear. i will probably delete this tomorrow from the shame.

light and shadows

“In faith there is enough light for those who want to believe and enough shadows to blind those who don’t.”
―Blaise Pascal

just because

i love this song. randy travis turned this metal chick to a country music lover. this song was on the first album(cassette)i ever bought of his. i wore it out playing it in my car over and over again. to this day i could sing every song by heart. i have mentioned in the past that i dont normally like covers, but i think carrie underwood did a great job. i love how randy comes out to surprise her at the end. he is so generous and kind to her and i think she was grateful and so lovely to him.


ok-i was a dork and didnt notice that the embedding was blocked on the grand ole opry version i was referring to above. click here to check it out. its worth a look. i like the american idol version too. i never saw it before and i get a kick out of how she obviously star struck singing with randy and he looks so proud as she is singing his song.
i meant for this to be a quick post-not feeling so hot(slacked on my airborne consumption), but i just drug it right out, didnt i?
i planned a fun post about holiday sex, but couldnt finish it due to the bug that is plaguing me.

may all of your wishes come true

“What is Christmas? It is tenderness for the past, courage for the present, hope for the future. It is a fervent wish that every cup may overflow with blessings rich and eternal, and that every path may lead to peace.”
— Agnes M. Pharo

blessed

“The best of all gifts around any Christmas tree: the presence of a happy family all wrapped up in each other.”
―Burton Hillis

gotta love Mother Teresa

“If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other.”
―Mother Teresa

stress zit

OHMYGOSH! adsense set up an AARP ad on my blog. are they crazy?!?!? i feel a stress zit coming on right in the middle of my forehead. good thing i can combat this with an easy and natural remedy. what you will need is:
cleanser
baking soda
honey
band aid
at bedtime, pour your normal cleanser into your hand and add 1-2 tsp of baking soda. cleanse as normal, paying a little extra attention to the area where the blemish is. the baking soda acts as a gentle exfoliant. rinse well and pat your face dry. put a DROP, just a little bit, of honey on the white pad part of a band aid and place it over the offending pustule(the technical term for a zit, but i think both sound equally bad).
when you wake up the next morning and remove the band aid-voila! the zit will have either disappeared or been reduced so dramatically that you can successfully cover it with make up. why does this work? it sounded ridiculous to me, but i tried it and was pleasantly surprised. apparently the honey clears up the bacteria and helps with redness and inflammation.
dont let a glaring, angry, zit ruin your glamorous holiday look this season, try this easy zit cure. let me know if it works for you.

smc cooks spinach-dont run away!

i think spinach has lost a lot of the stigma from years past. growing up we ate all different vegetables, but spinach was not one of them. i was mainly exposed to canned spinach which looked disgusting and my friends that were forced to eat it confirmed it was as bad as it looked.
i was turned on to fresh spinach via delicious salads, many of them dressed with an incredible hot bacon dressing, but i stayed away from cooked spinach until i saw a simple recipe that i ventured to try and ended up loving it. it goes a little like this:
grab a bag of fresh spinach from the produce aisle in your grocery store-the brand i get packages it in a 10 oz bag(looks much bigger, but spinach is light)and for me, that makes 2 lunch size servings of sauteed spinach.
drizzle about 2 tbs of olive oil in a skillet or sautee pan and heat over medium heat. Once the oil is hot, add a little minced garlic and sautee for just a few seconds before you add about 1/2 the bag of spinach. at this point, things will move fast. keep stirring the spinach and watch it shrink before your eyes. it goes from a big pile of green to about 1 cup of wilted yumminess in 2-3 minutes. add a little kosher salt and a few cranks of fresh cracked pepper. delicious and so healthy. check this site out for some of the amazing benefits of spinach. i love how the experts say it will keep you and your brain YOUNG. me and my cougar ways need that added benefit, believe me.

wise man

The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.

— Nelson Mandela

the nudge

i wonder sometimes if everyone thinks in a stream of consciousness style like i do. i worry about how random some of my thoughts seem, but they truly follow a logical pattern. to me, anyway. s-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o while driving in the car today i hear

which makes me think of mr ex man. he sent this song to me after one of our many break ups following one of his many freak outs. it melted my heart. i can be such a sucker, but when you love someone you want to forgive, right? anyway, this led to a whole 10 miles of driving and thinking of all things mr ex man. if you have read this blog more than once, you know i have droned on and on about him, but there is one thing i dont think i ever mentioned. "the nudge". this is something that came up with our first split. while arguing, he yells out "you dont love me, you NUDGE me away!" now i am thinking he is meaning emotionally or something deep like that, but no. he meant that i literally nudged him away. i demanded he explain further and what came to light is probably the biggest example of misinterpretation i have ever dealt with.
picture it: we are laying on my bed making out. its heating up pretty quickly and everything is going exactly right. i am tall, but mr ex man is considerably taller and when it comes to the horizontal make outs(and other things i am sure, but i have no experience with that. msof was my exact same height)this physical detail added a lot for me. i was laying on my back and he was on his side, slightly propping himself with his arm so he could lean over me as we kissed. at first my arms were just lightly around his neck, but i pulled him closer as he used his tongue to gently open my mouth and enter in for the best french kissing i have ever experienced. i pull my arms from around his neck and wrap them around his strong back, pulling him even closer as i turn towards him and wrap my leg around his hips. i start kissing over his face towards his ear. he is turning his head and kissing my neck and down onto my upper chest which is showing the evidence of my quickened heart rate(are you appreciating how i didnt go all harlequin on you and said something like "heaving bosom"?). i take his earlobe between my teeth and tug it gently, then use the tip of my tongue to trace around the outer edge of his ear. one of his hands makes its way down to where my lower back slopes up to my butt and he pulls me roughly towards him making me softly gasp against the cool skin of his neck. i continue to kiss,lick, and suck along his neck and jawline until i get to his chin. i start moving down nudging his chin up so i can kiss underneath it and down his throat. WE INTERRUPT THIS TOTALLY SEXY, AMAZING, AND SATISFYING MAKE OUT TO POINT OUT...dumb mr ex man thought i was nudging him AWAY. i found that so preposterous that i figure he is lying to distract from something else. its been so long that the details are fuzzy, but he was able to convince me that he truly thought i was pushing him away, telling him to stop. the actual pulling him close, heavy breathing, and the kissing southward didnt convince him otherwise. of course this discussion was long distance. weeks after the fact. when he initially told me, i laughed because it seemed so ridiculous considering all that went on. all the facts. he was pretty pissed off at me for laughing at him, but i really thought he was joking. who sabotages like that? mr ex man, thats who.
ps- sometimes i think that buck cherry guy might be in the neighborhood of creepy sexy, but he never actually leaves creepy town. just watching that video gives me the willies.

amen!

"If love is the answer, would you please rephrase the question?"
—Lily Tomlin

sexy or gay?

i was watching the saturday night live Christmas special and they were showing a skit with steve martin where he is sitting in a big arm chair with his legs crossed at the knee. i started to wonder why steve martin(not repulsive by any means, but no real attraction either)manages to look attractive and manly with his legs crossed like a woman? the gay kid from glee always sits with his legs crossed at the knee and he just looks like your every day twinkle toes , emitting no masculine sexuality at all. trying to go over my dance card and remember if any of the guys i have dated(or been married to)ever sat in such repose. definitely not msof. no way. not tgws-i think i can actually remember him and his friends doing their gay guy impressions and crossing their legs in an exaggerated manner and making their wrists go limp-and speaking with a lisp. why do so many gay impressions include a lisp? i know quite a few gay guys and none of them have a lisp. weird. anyway, back to what i was droning on about. why do some guys look totally sexy with their legs crossed and others just look gay?

smc chic in 5 min

lots of parties going on this time of year. you might get a last minute invite and you want to look your hottest, but dont think you have time. trust me, you do! even if your hair is dirty and you dont have a stitch of makeup on, its all possible. first of all, pull your hair back in a low ponytail. always chic and very forgiving if your hair is not freshly washed. apply eyeliner to make your eyes sparkle and lip gloss to enhance your smile. put on a pair of dangling or sparkling earrings. voila! you are chic in 5 minutes.
say you have a a little bit more than five minutes. you can do a few simple things to make your fast party look even hotter.
1: the messy bun. a girl at church turned me on to this hair style that looks so complicated, but it is soooooo easy. as you put your hair in the ponytail, dont pull the ends all the way through on the last pass creating a loop of sorts. separate that loop into several smaller loops pinning each one with a pretty bobby pin around the ponytail. i have fine hair, so i do about 6 or 7, but you could definitely do more. the effect is really nice. if you use sparkly bobby pins with rhinestone flowers or butterflies on the end, it really adds some glamour.
2: add a little shimmer to your makeup: sweep a little light colored shimmery eye shadow just below your eyebrow and a few strokes of black mascara. it will highlight your eyes and make them sparkle.
3: a little blush on the apples of your cheeks will make it look like you just came in from building a snowman. so cute.
hope you are having a fun holiday season and have that special someone to kiss under the mistletoe.

pretty and popular

as they often do, the guys over at the mormon bachelor pad got me to thinking. calvin posted about his school days and how he was picked on and kind of a nerd and how that has changed somewhat now that he is all grown up.

i think just about every kid gets teased at one point during their school days. i didnt get too much. mainly i got teased for being tall or my unusual name. by junior high and high school, that kind of teasing was a thing of the past. i wasnt popular in the traditional sense. i wasnt a cheerleader or the prom queen, but i had many friends from all the different cliques that most schools traditionally have. once during my freshman year a good friend told me that she hated to walk around the school with me because we got stopped every two seconds by someone saying hi or wanting to chat for a few minutes. i think she said, "you are too popular!" which came as a surprise to me because i never considered myself popular.

i never really had an ugly complex like many girls go through. i had great parents that always told me i was beautiful(followed with wise words like: pretty is as pretty does), but looking in the mirror i never really saw it. oh sure, there were times i was pleased with my reflection, but beautiful? nah.

i know i wasnt a troll and i definitely had boyfriends, but it wasnt until after msof and i got together that i got some surprising feedback. apparently(according to him and there was some other backup)i was quite a catch. i was the topic of a few discussions during high school and even after. this was a complete shock to me. even after the fact, it was nice to know i had been admired from afar.

the point? there really isnt one. calvins post just got me thinking about these things. i think the why i'm still single girl talked about it as well. as women, its kind of frowned upon to brag about our superficial beauty. especially as women in the church we are taught and encouraged to cultivate the inner beauty and let that shine through. you know-be a sweet spirit ;-)

i intended to go on about the whole hot vs beautiful debate, but...

President Hinckley

"I believe in the family where there is a husband who regards his companion as his greatest asset and treats her accordingly; where there is a wife who looks upon her husband as her anchor and strength...The cultivation of such a home requires effort and energy, forgiveness, and patience, love and endurance and sacrifi...ce; but it is worth all of these and more." - Pres. Gordon B. Hinckley

tis the season...

for colds and flu, but i have managed to avoid both! its truly a Christmas miracle and i give all the credit to airborne. if you have never heard of the stuff check out their website . they will give you the 411 on this AMAZING product, but the jist is that a 2nd grade teacher developed this all natural combination of 17 vitamins, minerals, and herbs to ward off colds and the flu. it totally works. they have a couple of different flavors-none are disgusting, but i like the new very berry flavor. everyone i know has gotten sick so far this year. not me! i usually get the flu by thanksgiving, but NOT THIS YEAR! can you tell i am happy about this? of course i do all the basics like wash my hands a lot and run in the opposite direction of anyone coughing or sneezing. you know, common sense stuff.

the gift of love

“There is hardly a more gracious gift that we can offer somebody than to accept them fully, to love them almost despite themselves.”
— Elizabeth Gilbert

man friendly appetizer

i went to a party last night and brought this delicious appetizer . everyone loved the little bundles of bacon wrapped pineapple. all the guys loved them and several of their wives asked me for the recipe. if there was even one single guy there, i bet i could have gotten a proposal from this recipe alone. you know what they say....the way to a man heart, blah blah blah

true giving

“To give and then not feel that one has given is the very best of all ways of giving.”
―Max Beerbohm

my arizona friends...please help!

a dear friend of mine who lives in the phoenix metro area of arizona told me this tragic story a few days ago.

it is truly a horrible thing to happen at any time, but is intensified by the Christmas season. if you live in the phoenix area, please go to chili's and mention the stock name and they will donate 10% to the stock family. heck, even if you dont live in az, maybe if you ask, your local chili's will donate too. never hurts to ask.

Christmas spirit

“Blessed is the season which engages the whole world in a conspiracy of love!”
— Hamilton Wright Mabi

good quote

Although the world is full of suffering,
it is also full of the overcoming of it.
~ Helen Keller

cherry chip snow ball cookies

i had illusions of grandeur, thinking i was going to go all food blog and take pictures of me making these step by step. i got over it really fast when life intervened and insisted i pay attention to the crisis at hand. that being said, this is a quick post that i can share with you guys and maybe help a little this busy Christmas season.
i stumbled across this recipe on a completely unrelated website. i wanted to try it because it was so easy and i love to try new recipes. one of my best friends asked me to bring dessert to her Christmas dinner and i picked out an elegant and fancy dessert to make. turns out i was short one very important ingredient(that never happens to me)and did not have the time to run to the store, make the dessert, and get ready to go to the party. i decided to take the batch of these cookies after a long mental debate over what was worse, going empty handed or taking stupid cake mix cookies? i took the cookies and apologized profusely for my lame offering. my friend doesnt bake at all and thought anything was great. i didnt think anyone would touch them. they were scarfed down like crazy! everyone loved them and asked me for the recipe. to think i was ashamed of those little cookies. they were the hit of the party!

1 cherry chip cake mix
1/2 8oz tub of cool whip
1 egg
powdered sugar

stir the cake mix, cool whip, and egg together. it will be very sticky. take out spoonfuls and drop into a bowl of powdered sugar. once coated, roll int a ball between your hands, then roll in the powdered sugar again.place about 2 inches apart on a greased cookie sheet. bake at 350 for 8-10 min. really watch them becasue they burn fast!

so i lied. SUE ME!

ok. i stand corrected. james taylor puts his spin on my favorite(and classic)Christmas song and I LOVE IT.

and one more

i really think this is it for my favorite Christmas songs. i dont listen to the station that has been playing all Christmas songs since before thanksgiving. i dont do caroling. i KNOW its sounds so grinch like, but i really am not. just hate all the hype. i heard the most AWFUL version of my all time favorite today in the car. the voice was somewhat familiar, but i couldnt place it. i listened to the whole train wreck just so i could tell all of you who decimated that beautiful song. of course they didnt say. who would want to take credit for not only singing off key, but 2 octaves too low?

2nd favorite Christmas song

heard this on the radio today.

dollar store cure

i couldnt find my burts bees lip balm the other day so i ran into the dollar store and picked up two tubes of oralabs chap ice. cherry flavored. my lips have never been so smooth. 2 tubes for a buck. lovely, smooth, and kissable lips for me. what a deal.

my favorite Christmas song

a small effort to balance out my scrooge attitude from a few days ago. i am not a judy garland fan, but i love her version of this song. i also love "meet me in st. louis", it brings back a lot of fond memories of my dad. researching recipes for Christmas treats and posting this song....maybe the grinch didnt bite me in the ass after all.

freeway makeovers

the one sentence post over at seriously so blessed got me to thinking about a period of time when one of my best friends was dating tgws's roommate so we would drive over to their house together. we both had worked all day,so we brought clothes to change into and our makeup bags to touch up our faces to look our absolute hottest. or in 80's speak "finest". the drive between where we worked and their super cool(they had a hot tub)bachelor pad was about twenty minutes. mainly by freeway, but being the young and invincible hotties we were, we managed to do full wardrobe changes and complete makeup while driving a minimum of 75mph down a busy freeway. i have vivid memories of shimmying off high heels and nylons from work and pulling on 501's and flats as we sped down the highway. we would toss mascara and lip gloss back and forth to each other, primping and painting as the street lights sped by. seriously, it is a MIRACLE that we never got in a wreck or at the very least pulled over for speeding and unlawful makeovers while operating a motor vehicle. the things we do for love. not to mention vanity. that friend and tgws's roommate have been married for over twenty years now. see? sometimes it works.

love

The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. The opposite of art is not ugliness, it's indifference. The opposite of faith is not heresy, it's indifference. And the opposite of life is not death, it's indifference.” Elie Wiesel


i love when i read a quote like this and i can see the truth of it in my own life. to think of msof, our troubled marriage, and our ugly divorce, indifference was a much needed respite. i love that when he does eventually cross my mind that i am pleasantly shocked how long its been since the last time i thought of him.

i think i am getting to the indifference stage with mr ex man. its a huge relief to be moving away from all of that heartache and drama. its been a long time since we have talked, so i am thinking the last break up finally took.

fingers crossed.

the ever shrinking circle

my father used to call me a social butterfly and it used to really offend me, but i am not sure why. i guess i was. i had a ton of friends and socialized a lot. i had a lot of fun throughout high school and the few years after. my circle of friends suddenly shrunk when i got married. we moved away and i entered into the new social world of military wife. they were nice women, but due to the transient nature, no one got really close. once msof was out of the military and we moved back home, the circle expanded a bit, but not too much. there werent too many that could tolerate msof and only a few that i knew loved me enough to deal with him on any sort of regular basis. after i invited msof to leave our home and our marriage, the circle, once again began to expand. and continued to do so until i had a huge circle of relatively close friends. good friends i could count on. we socialized. we traveled. it was a good time. then they started dropping out. for the most part, it was normal life stuff. moving away or just interests changing. no ugliness or animosity. a few got married and a few made more dramatic departures. like the facebook friend's sister i mentioned in my previous post. it started out kind of like a scene from "mean girls", but since i am pretty much beyond those type of antics, she stepped up her game. the accusations and lying began. it was some crazy stuff. she drug her parents into it. attempted to bring other friends in. major drama, the likes of which i had not seen since my freshman year when tgws's sister accused me of using her to get to him. it was horrible. it really was a sucker punch that sent me reeling. i recovered pretty quickly, but it really made me take stock of who was the most important to me and why. now my circle of friends is tiny, but i dont mind at all. i know i can count on them and they will never pull the crap i dealt with previously. getting the facebook friend request from that ex friend just got me thinking if the shrinking circle of friends is a normal part of growing up and getting older or if its just my reaction to a series of icky events.

facebook strikes again

so if life isnt weird enough right now, i get friended by a very old friend that "broke up" with me about five years ago. it was a crazy scene. i was very good friends with her and her older sister. her sister kind of freaked out and started accusing me of random and bizarre things that were so obviously false, but the friend and her entire family were in such a co dependent mode with the older sister that they chose not to call her on her bs and i simply withdrew. there have been a few recent lame attempts to reach out, but the facebook friending is the first real attempt. i was wary. still am. i mean, how do you deal with this? pretend like it never happened? take the bull by the horns and say "WTF?!" i accepted her friend request and she immediately emailed me a lovely note catching me up on her life and asking me about mine and my family's. i wrote back a pretty generic letter. friendly, but not all together forthcoming. she really wasnt the evil one(her older sister was)but she let it all happen without saying anything. i guess that isnt a fair statement. i dont know everything she said,but i do know that we were no longer friends and it was over lies and ridiculous childish behavior from her camp. so high school. i hate it. also, my life is somewhat in chaos while hers(as she reports)seems to be in lovely order. sigh. i was nice, wrote back. we will see what happens.

bah humbug

yes. thats right. already. i really hate how Christmas decorations are put out before halloween is even cleared out. i hate that a local radio station starts playing Christmas music BEFORE thanksgiving. am i normally this grumpy? this scrooge like? not at all, but the notorious bitterness that seems to hit singles at the holidays has hit me with full force. all these years i have been spared. until now. i am just on a rampage. i liked that i never succumbed to that seasonal malady. i might be single, but my life is full of friends and family and things to do. this year it doesnt matter, i am dissatisfied. i know its up to me to fix it, but i want someone else to do it. any attitude adjusters out there willing to help me out? dumb stuff that has nothing to do with the holidays is happening. i would love to share it here, but its not entirely my story and the details would be too revealing of others. sigh. i need a long nap. no. i need hibernation.

the whole armour of God

i usually dont make it to sunday school. my calling in the rs presidency usually keeps me running during the 2nd hour taking care of things in preparation for the 3rd hour. catching the bishop up on whatever pressing business has come up in the last week and sometimes just socializing with the other foyer squatters.

todays lesson as about protecting yourself from the fiery darts of the adversary by putting on the whole armour of God and one of the things they focused on was the law of chastity. i think the loc takes on an entirely different point of view when you are married. seems to me your main objective is to not cheat. dont succumb to infidelity-literally or in your thoughts. now, i have been married and i know its not all that difficult. you are in love, having regular sex, its all good, right? not so fast. divorce due to infidelity is running rampant in the church. for most of us, it was more mormon urban legend about brother and sister so and so in some far away ward rather that someone you knew personally. not any more. bishops are counseling more for this grievous sin and more marriages are just breaking up, unable to recover.

for those of us without the ball and chain, its entirely different. keeping things zipped up in a world where sex on the first date is the norm is not always so easy. gone are the days that any girl who had sex without at least being engaged was a slut. if you dont have sex by the third date, you are quite possibly a frigid prude with huge intimacy issues. even members of the church. not just men. apparently women are pressuring men as well. its easy to get on my high horse of indignation and preach all of this. i know. you have heard me drone on and on about it. my blog. my prerogative. man that sounded bitchy.

sometimes i think my life is really weird

today and i am hanging out with gbf and one of his friends who is an ex member of the church. guess what we are doing! SCRAPBOOKING. yes we are. i am not even joking.

dont know what to say

last night i tried to write a post and put into words whats in my head and my heart, but it all sounded like whiny baby complaining. i am not a whiny baby. or a complainer. its just that the holidays, in general, leave me wanting. wanting what? you may ask. not sure, i would reply. so frustrating, trying to grasp something intangible and elusive. thanksgiving is over and i am dreading Christmas. dread might be a strong word, but i dont look forward to it like i used to. sigh. does anyone else feel underwhelmed by this time of year?

smc cooks

today i made cranberry chutney to break away from the normal cranberry relish that i make every year. not everyone in my family will eat cranberries(they actually like the canned crap)and even those who do like them, just eat a little bit. there are always a ton of leftovers, but i think this year might be a little different with the recipe. taste testers reviews have been favorable so far.
i also made stuffing(or dressing, depending on your raising)from a new recipe posted by the pioneer woman. she has the best recipes and this one is no different. everyone has been picking at it and loving it. i hope there is some left by time we sit down to the table. stuffing is so simple and be so good, but it can turn into a disgusting mess that no one will touch if you arent careful.
it was a delicious meal and a good time spent with family. lots of stuff to be thankful for.

perspective

i was late to sacrament meeting on sunday so i decided to sit in the foyer and clean out the messenger bag i used for church while i listened to the talks. i love it when i can multitask like that at church. i am sure someone has cleaned out their purse in the chapel, but i wouldnt do it. seems irreverent and a little tacky, but thats just me. i am not calling anyone to repentance. believe me.
there are 4 wards that use our building, so listening to the talks became difficult as the previous wards third hour came to a close and people were gathering their families to go home. it got impossible when the relief society president came out with her screaming two year old and two additional women came out to deal with their misbehaving kids.

all of these women are my friends, so we started chatting. as we bemoaned the unfortunate decline of the "spare the rod, spoil the child" philosophy we noticed the elders walking down the hall. one of the women commented on how cute they were, but followed up with how young they look. we all kind of giggled, but it opened up a discussion on how your perspective changes on something that is essentially unchanging. for the most part, missionaries are 19-21 and thats how its been for decades, but how those young men are viewed drastically changes over time.

when i was a young girl, having the missionaries over for dinner was a blast. they were the best playmates ever. they ate like they had two hollow legs and would just rough house(way before the more recent guidelines that prohibit such things)and act goofy until they had to go home and make curfew. once you graduate from primary into young women these elders morph into demigod like status. they are so cute and so funny and so cool and you just cant wait until you can date and marry your own rm. beehive, mia maid(you can date!), then laurel, when dating a returned missionary can be a reality. now they are potential husbands so you are sizing them up as breeding stock and providers. this phase will last for a few months to a few years. maybe you go to byu for your mrs degree, maybe you meet your eternal companion at fhe in your singles ward. there are so many ways it can happen, but it usually ends with your standing in a receiving line and your closest friends and family eating those chalky pastel mints and drinking ice water out of a punch bowl. then, if you have a real testimony, you give birth to your own little missionary nine months later. the perspective shifts to raising the next generation of missionaries.

now? perspective is a funny thing. the girls from my laurel class are sending out their sons on missions. one just welcomed hers back. technically, i am old enough to be the mother of a returned missionary, yet i shamelessly flirt with them via my blog. in my defense, jake started it, but...

psssssssssssst dont forget

ok-single guys-imagine me batting my eyelashes and shooting sparkles out of my baby blues at you. you will do whatever i ask, right? please take the sex poll-single guy edition. i want to know all that you have to tell me. three awesome guys have already done it, will you? if this wasnt a blog, and we were in person, i might, at this point, gently tug on your sleeve or put my hand on your bicep and smile at you. you know you want to....

new moon

two of my married with children friends decided last minute to take their teenagers to see new moon and invited me to come along. i was so tired from our wards super saturday that i tried to beg off at first,but they were not having it. spontaneous fun after 4pm is rare with these girls. actually, its almost non existent since everything they do is scheduled around husbands and kids. i figured i shouldnt pass up the rare opportunity and i am so glad i didnt. not that it was an evening of cinematic excellence. it wasnt, but it was fun to get out and act a little silly with a couple of old friends. new moon was way better than twilight, but that is not saying much. twilight sucked so bad in every aspect, whereas new moon sucked a little and in not every area. i was amazed at the horrible acting. was robert pattinson this bad in the harry potter movie? graham greene is a GOOD actor. he was nominated for an academy award for his role in dances with wolves, but so far, being in these vampire movies is sucking(get it? sucking ,its a vampire movie. ha!ha!)the talent right out of him. the lone stand out is billy burke who plays bellas dad, charlie. its not that he is a great actor, he just sucks less than the rest of them. he gets a little grace since he had a 3 episode guest starring role in my guilty pleasure gilmore girls, so i might be grading on a curve. i am so glad i went with really good, like minded friends that i could mock the movie with. they were right there with me, rolling their eyes and inwardly groaning when bella took that last little gasp at the end and then the credits started immediately rolling. i hated that ending.

cool contest

via one of my favorite blogs loralees looney tunes i entered this giveaway and wanted to turn you guys onto this cool and fun opportunity. its not an ad and i am not getting anything in return-except a chance to win myself.

sex poll-the single guy edition

in an effort to not split hairs, get lost in minutia or semantics, this poll is for all the single guys-never married and divorced. please copy and paste the questions in your comment and please dont hesitate to answer honestly-your anonymity is protected here with smc!

1. age?
2. active in church? temple rec?
3. divorced? how long?
4. masturbate? how often? do you think its contrary to the loc?
5. kiss on first date?
6. have sex if the girl is willing?
7. horizontal make out?
8. light petting(touching erogenous zones over clothing)
9. heavy petting(any disrobing, fondling under clothes, dry humping,oral sex)
10. would you marry a girl who participated in:
kissing on the first date?
horizontal make outs?
light petting?
heavy petting?
sex before marriage?
11. overall, do you think the girl is in charge of the loc in a relationship?

why i keep him around

i have written about mr jack mormon here and there from the start of this blog. i dont have the time or energy to dig those posts out of my archives and i certainly dont expect you to, so i will give you a quick re-cap.

i met mr jack mormon via a lds dating site 2 years ago. after some witty banter via im and email, he asked me out. it was a nice date. no ones world was rocked, but it was a good enough time that i made the mental note that if he asked me out again i would probably go. he never did. i didnt hear from him until he friended me on facebook a year later. some more im and emailing. then another nice date. in no way was this a love connection , just a nice time. to some, "nice" may imply boring, but that wasnt the case. we had fun. interesting conversation, lots of laughs, and a certain ease being with each other. the conversations werent just surface or shallow. we talked about our common experience with divorce and his issues being a single dad. despite his apathy towards the church, he claimed a testimony of the atonement. he had learned some tough life lessons and was a better man for it. i liked a lot of the things he said and his point of view on several subjects.

the date- then- disappear cycle continued, but a short time ago something shifted. i dont know if i was ovulating when we went out and that caused some sort of chemical reaction on my part or i was just responding to him,but something beyond our previous experiences clicked. the date lasted about 8 hours, but the time flew. there was never a lapse in conversation and we laughed a lot. i know many people list sense of humor as one of the most important things they look for in someone, but i mean it when i say, i need someone who i can laugh with, who cracks me up, and finds me amusing as well.

i know i have mentioned it before, but it bears repeating; this thing between mr jack mormon and me is not love. i dont think it would ever grow into love for a myriad of reasons, but i like him. we enjoy each others company. our actual dates are few and far between, so the bulk of our contact is email, text, and im. he has never put an inappropriate move on me, rather his argument is an intellectual one, making a case against the validity of the loc. the thing is, he knows i dont buy his argument. not even a little bit. i keep him around because the attention is fun and harmless in the sense that no one is going to walk away with a broken heart. experience tells me that his attention span is short and he will disappear soon. surprisingly enough, thats ok with me.

new territory

for me, flirting is always inspired by genuine affection. all this silliness with mr jack mormon is new territory. unabashedly flirting with absolutely no intention is fun, but kind of weird. i have decided to embrace it for the time being. it effectively breaks up the dating hiatus i have imposed on myself. below is an excerpt from a recent text message conversation:

jack mormon: i cannot believe you wont have sex with me.
single mormon chick: sure you can. i have been saying it all along.
jm: just my opinion, but i think we would have great sex.
smc: really, why do you think that?
jm: we have such an easy time talking to one another.
smc: true
jm: they say having sex adds 3-5 GOOD years to your life.
smc: i have heard that. :)
jm: lets have sex for good health!
smc: you are so selfless.
jm: yet you reject all my kind offers. :(
smc: i dont want friends with benefits.
jm: we could be lovers with benefits. better yet, EXCLUSIVE lovers.
smc: i dont understand why you would be willing to commit to that.
jm: i dont understand why you wont!

this is one of many similar conversations. the few friends i have told about mr jack mormon think i should be flattered he is so tenacious. i vacillate between mildly insulted(does he not undersand the word "no"?)and a little flattered. i like him. he is funny, makes me laugh, and holds the door open. he makes no bones about wanting me. thats kind of nice,but i want more. love. i want to be in love. i want it ALL.

what i woke up to

the last memory i have of this song is being at an institute dance with rm#2 and we danced to this song. i am sure i have heard it since 1986, but i dont remember. i dont usually wake up to songs playing in my head, but today...
i guess its not too shocking of a selection for my subconscious to play considering all the recent negotiations with mr jack mormon. some of the things he suggested were kind of funny. tempting, but funny considering the discussions we have had regarding boundaries. mine, not his. apparently he doesnt have any.

if faith is not tested, is it really faith? my faith and testimony in the law of chastity has been tested in many ways, but all the talk with mr jack mormon really got me thinking along the lines of "what does it really matter?" an intellectually sound argument could really be made for turning away from such archaic practices and embracing a more modern way of thinking. i was discussing all of this with a long time, non member friend. she put a fine point on the whole discussion when she asked, "do you want to marry this guy?" she knows me well and got me back on track with my true self. mr jack mormon is not a candidate for a long term relationship, so why throw it all away on him? even if i was a sex before marriage kind of girl, i would never be a casual sex girl. just not my style.

before leaving for church today, i need to choose a conference talk for a lesson in relief society. thumbing through the pages, the first talk that caught my attention was Elder Oaks talk titled "Love and Law". The first examples he gives are about the loc(referring to a couple who co-habitates)and temple marriage. i am grateful for a speedy answer to my prayers last night. the loc might not be modern or cool, but its still Heavenly Father's law and there are blessings for keeping it, consequences for breaking it, and finally the atonement to help us in either instance.

hatin

i hated yesterdays post so much that i considered just deleting it, but i decided to let it stay. for now. i always intended this blog to be fun anecdotes about being a cool, 40-something mormon chick, living life, maneuvering the dating world with some grace and a little panache. WHATEVER. those terms are mutually exclusive with the word(and practice)dating. its so not fun right now and i find myself disappointed and pissed off much of the time. i just keep wondering if i really need the aggravation of all of this. all this drama with mr jack mormon is wearing me out. despite my best effort to just exit with some grace(that damn word again)it has turned to the ridiculous. i am convinced that dating, like trix is for kids, they are the only ones who can withstand the indignity of it.
bitter, party of one!

the games people play

i hate games, yet i willingly walked into this game with mr jack mormon. i should be beyond this kind of junior high level of game playing. i dont think i played these games when i was actually in junior high. feeling silly and a little embarrassed. i am not designed for this kind of relationship. meaningless. careless. its really late. not thinking too straight. i realize the tone of this post is leaning towards depressing. this isnt heartbreak or regret over a lost opportunity, simply disappointment in myself for wasting time on such silliness.

sex poll!

come on guys! take the poll. all the girls are being honest. lets hear your side of the story. i am currently working on the questions for us divorced types so there is more to come.

big mistake

when jake copied and posted andreas letter, it got me to thinking(i swear, i dont have an original thought, i just freakin copy everyone else.)about the letters i have stashed away. there was time that i would tuck the letters i received in my journal. this habit started around the time i was dating erm(electrical engineer rm). he wrote me a lot. i was 19 and he was 25. i was mature for my age, but i wasnt ready for him. i wanted to post some of his letters to be funny, but in going through them, they are breaking my heart. time really can fade memories, but i am wondering why i broke up with him. my journal gives some clues, but from my current point of view, i was an IDIOT. he used to send me lyrics to songs for me to figure out. he told me they all had meaning. the following video is one of the songs he sent.




there is more, but i dont know how much more i want to write. he offered everything i wanted. everything i still want and have not obtained. i dont think i was in love with him and my 19 year old heart couldnt bear the thought of that. now? i married a man i loved and looked what happened. arranged marriage doesnt sound like such a crazy idea to me at this point. what started out as a fun trip down memory lane is turning into major regret. it was a big mistake.

my answers-in case you care or were even remotely interested

i am so excited with the comments i am getting in response to the poll. please keep em coming! here are my answers so far....in case your inquiring mind wanted to know.

1. chick or dude? chick
2. age 41
3. marital status? divorced
for the singles:(using my lame memory to answer these as my 20 yr old single self)
4. do you currently follow the law of chastity?(just so we are all on the same page, the law of chastity,if you are single, means no sex of any kind. no petting. heavy or light. no masturbation.)yes. pushed a few limits, but none were broken
5. do you bend, twist, or otherwise modify the loc to suit your lifestyle? when i look back, i see how i really bent things. major horizontal make outs that almost went too far a few times. no clothes were removed, but there was some bumping and grinding.
6. if yes, is there any guilt? there was a little guilt about what almost happened, but that helped keep me in check and just throwing the loc out the window. kind of feel bad for my boyfriend. he was the poster child for blue balls. as far as my husband, our engagement was short and we were apart for most of it. there was a lot of passionate kissing and i think he tried some light petting(hand on boob over clothes), but was easily rerouted.
7. if the church modified or phased out the loc, would you have sex before marriage? i dont think they ever would, but IF they did, i think i would have premarital sex in a monogamous relationship that was heading towards marriage.
8. have you previously played loosey goosey with the loc? mmmmm...kind of.
9. if you are committed to living a chaste life, do the people you date try to influence you to do otherwise? oh. my. gosh. not when i was dating before marriage, but now? its crazy. its not just the hot, heavy breathing moments when he is quietly pleading..."please? can we?" its intellectual discussions trying to debate the point and convince me to have sex with them.
10. if you play loosey goosey with the loc, do you see someone who follows the loc as a "challenge" and test their limits? i wouldnt try to convince anyone to go against anything they told me was important to them


the first set of married questions:

1-male or female xx
2-age 41
3-were you sexually active before your marriage? nope.
4-if yes,only with your spouse?
5-did you clear it up with your bishop or just move on?-
6-if no, do you think it was worth the wait? i am glad i waited, just bummed that i waited for HIM.
7-was there any adjustment period before you felt comfortable having sex and free of guilt?oh yes. it took me about 3 months to hit my stride and not feel guilty for having sex.
8-have you ever had sex(intercourse,oral,etc)with anyone else during your marriage? no.
9- have you been tempted? technically, yes. msof drug out our "quickie" divorce for 18 months. during that time i met someone i really liked, but we didnt date or do anything until the divorce was final.
10-do you consider your sex life healthy and satisfying? we had a good sex life. one of the few things we did well as a couple.

and the 2nd set of married questions:

1)how long have you been married? 11 years
2)do you have children? how many? no
3)how often do you have sex? we had sex almost daily for the majority of our marriage.
4)how often would you like to have sex? i was ok with the frequency. i can only remember 1 time he turned me down and i rarely turned him down.
5)does your libido match your spouses? he was a smidge ahead of me, but i kept up ok.
6)are you in a sexual rut or do you mix it up to keep it interesting? we had our ole faithful tricks, but we mixed it up every now and then. some of his ideas were stupid, but except for porn, i tried just about anything he requested.
7)if you wanted things to change in your sexual relationship, do you feel comfortable going to your spouse with your ideas? somewhat.
9)is there anything taboo or off limits? porn and anal. my ex husband was always lobbying for that stuff. no judgment for anyone else, but for me, no way. total deal breaker.
10)do you feel church standards restrict you sexually in anyway? initially i heard rumors about the church being against oral sex. i was willing to never try it, but my wonderful mother set me straight. other than that near miss, no. well yes. i dont have sex because of my membership in the church. i was trying to speak as the old married me and got off on a tangent. sorry.

smc sex poll II for my married friends continued

more questions for my married friends because my inquiring mind wants to know! please continue to be open and honest, i love everything you have told me so far.

1)how long have you been married?
2)do you have children? how many?
3)how often do you have sex?
4)how often would you like to have sex?
5)does your libido match your spouses?
6)are you in a sexual rut or do you mix it up to keep it interesting?
7)if you wanted things to change in your sexual relationship, do you feel comfortable going to your spouse with your ideas?
8)is there anything taboo or off limits?
9)do you feel church standards restrict you sexually in anyway?

love it!

thanks to everyone who is giving their 2 cents on my sex poll. i am loving the honesty! keep it coming....guys too!!! i want your input and your opinions.

single mormon chicks sex poll II - for my married friends

i am going to do this phase in two parts. i have more questions, but i dont want anyone to avoid taking the quiz because they dont want to spend hours answering a million questions at one time. thanks to everyone who takes the time to do this. if you are single(especially the guys, only one responded so far), please take the first single mormon chick sex poll- feel free to copy and paste the questions in your comment; makes it easier for us both! i really want to know it all, dont be shy, spill your secrets.

1-male or female
2-age
3-were you sexually active before your marriage?
4-if yes,only with your spouse?
5-did you clear it up with your bishop or just move on?-
6-if no, do you think it was worth the wait?
7-was there any adjustment period before you felt comfortable having sex and free of guilt?
8-have you ever had sex(intercourse,oral,etc)with anyone else during your marriage?
9- have you been tempted?
10-do you consider your sex life healthy and satisfying?

is celibacy an impossible standard?

no.end of story.










ok. we all know thats not the end of the story. its not always easy and its definitely not fun, but it is not impossible and i am sick of the whiner cry babies who say it is. everyone has free agency. choose what you will. i will not judge you, but dont say your reasons are because its an impossible standard.

thank you!

thanks to everyone who has posted their comments for the sex poll. finally had one guy chime in and i hope that many more follow his example. please keep the comments coming. i appreciate all the honesty. the married and divorced questions are on their way....

here i go again.

at the risk of being a nag....TAKE THE SEX POLL!! still working on the married and divorced questions. also trying to find creative ways to pose some questions without appearing like i got the info from hustler magazine.



mr jack mormon im'd me this morning. sigh. i think i am just going to have to be a bitch and cut him off in no uncertain terms. i like him. he likes me. he wants sex. i wont give it to him. agree to disagree and move on, right? today he sent me a link to the website of a little motel we passed by on our last date. when i told him thanks for the laugh, he informed me that it was intended to be funny. really? are those some sort of rico suave moves that will make my clothes fall off? did i tell you he started bargaining with me? he offered me exclusivity. thats right ladies. better than a 3 carat rock and a fancy luncheon after a beautiful temple ceremony. somehow he figured if he told me(before even attempting to hold my hand or kiss me)that he would have sex only with me, that i would sign up immediately. do all guys think that way and just have the social filters in place that prevent them from saying it out loud? or is mr jack mormon the oddity i think he is? i look at myself and wonder what i am putting out there that makes him think i would even consider his offer. i also wonder if he does it because it has worked before. he prides himself on "honesty", but i think the only think he is honest about is his desire to have sex.

begging for sex. the poll that is

please take the poll! i know a lot of my married and divorced friends are waiting on their set of questions....but please tell your single friends to post. this first phase of questions is kind of boring, but i PROMISE they will get sexier and more interesting. inquiring minds want to know.

single mormon chicks sex poll

ok. i need answers. i am not looking to rat you out to your bishop or anything, so please answer honestly and post to the comment section(anonymously of course). please spread the word, i would love to have a ton of feedback on this topic.


1. chick or dude?
2. age
3. marital status?
for the singles:
4. do you currently follow the law of chastity?(just so we are all on the same page, the law of chastity,if you are single, means no sex of any kind. no petting. heavy or light. no masturbation.)
5. do you bend, twist, or otherwise modify the loc to suit your lifestyle?
6. if yes, is there any guilt?
7. if the church modified or phased out the loc, would you have sex before marriage?
8. have you previously played loosey goosey with the loc? did you simply stop and "sin no more" or did you clear things up with the proper priesthood authority?
9. if you are committed to living a chaste life, do the people you date try to influence you to do otherwise?
10. if you play loosey goosey with the loc, do you see someone who follows the loc as a "challenge" and test their limits?

i have more that will address the married and divorced folk. PLEASE comment! i want to hear what everyone has to say.

more halloween celebration

i am really not one to go crazy over halloween. the extent of my costume is usually a grey t-shirt that says "miss witch" on the front of it. i bought it at target for five bucks about ten years ago. how is that for mormon frugality? worn once a year,that shirt will make it to the second coming. this year has been very different. as you know, i dressed up last weekend to go to the single adult party. friday night i dressed up with the rest of the rs presidency for the ward party, and last night was the encore presentation of my robert palmer girl costume for a birthday party i am going to. its exhausting! i mean, i am a fun girl, but COME ON!

halloween marks gbf's(gay best friend)birthday. despite many gay stereo types, gbf never dresses up for the holiday. this year was different. he decided to really glam it up and dressed up as lady gaga . he got his makeup(including fake eyelashes)done at the mac counter and pulled together a FAB-U-LOUS outfit that included a fur vest. since it was his 40th birthday, he wanted to go retro, so we went roller skating. no one got my robert palmer(despite how HOT it was)costume, but EVERYONE got the lady gaga outfit. it was a blast. funny how some things, like roller rinks,never change. it had been over 20 years since i had been skating, but nothing had changed. well,me. i have changed. and the video games. better video games.

crammin before the famine

a little back story: just like every other part of the country, the area i live in has been hit by the economic crisis. so many people in my ward have been laid off. a lot of them owned their own businesses such as carpet cleaning, pest control, or landscaping and just could not keep their heads above water, so they joined the millions looking for work. one elder in our ward decided to join the military. i think its a little unusual for a 30-something guy with a wife and 4 kids to enlist, but it could make sense too. regular, dependable paycheck, great medical coverage, and travel benefits. ANYWAY...they had called our rs president and arranged for her to stop by to drop off some paperwork. when she got there and rang the bell, no one answered. she waited a few minutes and rang the door bell again, but still no answer. it seemed odd since they had made the arrangements earlier that day, but she put the envelope under the mat and went on her way. within the hour, she got a call from the sister, apologizing profusely for not answering the door. our rs president told her not to worry about it and to look under the door mat for the envelope. the sister kept apologizing and then said, "hes been so frisky lately, you know.....crammin before the famine." this sister is not a particularly prudish woman, but to think she felt the need to explain that her husband was trying to get in as much sex as he possibly could before he left for basic training was hilarious to me. sweet, but still hilarious.
ps-who says "frisky" anymore?
pps-guess thats better than telling your rs president your husband is "horny".

smart girl or bad attitude part two

well...you know mormons. the blessing was said and the feasting began. the food smelled wonderful, but i was waiting on a girl from my ward to show up with her "friend" so i would have at least one familiar dinner companion. a few people dropped by the lounge area to encourage me to jump into the buffet line. they seemed suspicious of my explanation of why i wasnt running right over. the girl from my ward showed up dressed as a renaissance witch with her "friend" who was the devil on vacation(think a little red makeup, horns, and a hawaiian shirt). she makes the introductions and we headed to the buffet line.

the food was good, but conversation difficult. apparently the devil was nearly deaf due to damage to his hearing from his job so the ren witch had to keep leaning over to him and repeating whatever i said to keep him in the conversation. he was a very nice man, but i was really questioning his "friend" status with ren witch. he never left her side and when the dinner tables were removed to provide more room for dancing, he stood behind her and wrapped his arms around her waist, resting his chin on her shoulder. to me, this is not friend behavior. was she trying to keep it low key, worried that i would rat her out to the ward? i had to find out of course, so the next time the devil turned away for a minute i asked her. turns out he is 57 years old(shes 31), a widower, and would put a ring on it if she would go for it. the reason she wont allow it is that he refuses to join the church and doesnt want any more kids. she had him sign up for great expectations so he can find an appropriate companion while she continues to search for her peter priesthood. not sure how that works since she spends a lot of time snuggled up with the devil.

my "service" required me to move around the room a lot(no, i was not busting up couples dancing too close or making out in classrooms), so i was able to really take in the atmosphere. harem girl danced all night, but not with any guys. looked like her partner of choice was the pioneer girl. i dont think i ever saw the clown on the dance floor, but her friend, the sister missionary was out there several times with different guys. come to think of it, i didnt see tron guy on the floor either. mabye if i WAS on kissing detail, i would have busted the two of them making out in a dark classroom. theres a thought. i was surprised by how many couples there were. i got the vibe that a few were exclusive. personally, i dont think going to a singles activity is a good date. why would you come to a dance to snuggle in the lounge area when you could have a romantic evening at home? probably a tactic to keep things zipped up, but still.

despite my "good" attitude and open mind, the single adult scene and my perception of it remains unaltered. i wandered around for a bit more, wrapping up my "service", and trying to take in details so that i could blog them. i was also looking for anything or anyone that might deviate from what has become the norm in this mormon subculture. no luck. i was relieved that a few(all guys, of course)"got" my costume. one actually walked away singing "simply irresistable" . i have to make one correction to my initial statement about nothing being changed. i did notice two men who were quite the gentlemen, asking all the girls to dance. that was sweet.

i have been asked what i would do to change things, but i really dont have many ideas. sometimes i think the whole program should just be done away with. is it really effective? once you are kicked out of ysa and are in that outer darkness of 31 and over singles, how many people find their eternal companions in this program? i would love to hear from anyone who has a success story.

i hate this

i was on the phone early this morning with a good friend who is going through some major family issues. her husband is a difficult jerk who is passing his behavior on to his(their)children. my strong, fun, full of life friend is a shadow of her former self. she is literally a shell. she has no real refuge. her husband treats her with blatant disrespect in front of the kids and rarely backs her up when she attempts discipline. she really is not the meek or door mat type, but in her efforts to be a supportive wife and mother she lost herself and allowed everyone to put her last. why do women allow this to happen? i know i did it in my marriage. when things started going south, i let him convince me it was my fault and altered my behavior to show my support and willingness to create a fulfilling marriage. it was his way of manipulating me and it worked. i hate that it worked. i know that my friend looks back on the last 20 years of her life and hates that it worked on her. i think it was President Hinckley who talked about that if both people in a marriage make an effort each day to ensure the happiness and well being of their spouse, so much unhappiness and divorce would be eliminated. the unfortunate thing is that there is so little of that. people just dont do it. why? why do we take for granted and abuse the one we promised to love and care for above all others. i am rambling again. i hate this.

smart girl or bad attitude?

i talked to my mom just as i was walking out the door to go to the sa halloween dinner/dance. she pleaded with me to go with an open mind and a good attitude. SHE is really hoping that i meet my dream man at some church related function. she truly believes that all seemingly happy lds couples meet at those type of activities. sigh. i really did go with an open mind, but from the onset.....it was a mess. first of all, i was given the wrong directions to the church building. when i call the girl who asked me to serve at this shindig, she sweetly apologizes and tells me she is running an HOUR late and suggested i find something to do in the meantime. knowing that she is kind of flaky, i returned a hour and 15 minutes later, but she still hadnt arrived. she ended up being an hour and a half late. i think we can all agree that goes way beyond mormon standard time , but i go in and get started. unlike most functions of this nature, the cultural hall was decorated beautifully with elaborate fall and halloween type decorations. there didnt seem to be a lot going on, but i jumped in where i could. there was a lot of down time. dinner was scheduled to be served at 7, but the kitchen crew was still discussing the pros and cons of having a separate drink table. a lone sister arrived on time, spotted me in the "lounge area" and came right over to introduce herself. she was dressed(modestly)as some sort of harem girl or belly dancer. she was asian with a heavy accent and i had a difficult time understanding her over the dj's sound check, but what i was able to get was she was from hong kong and that she has been here for 16 years and was currently studying dance. she told me how much she liked belly dancing. i am in rs president mode, trying to fellowship, but i feel trapped. people start trickling in, wearing a variety of costumes. this one walked up to me and the harem girl. to be fair, he really wasnt dressed as a tron guy. his outfit was black, but had similar designs all over it. the mystery was solved when a middle aged woman dressed as a rainbow clown along with her friend, the sister missionary walked up like they were approaching the coolest guy in high school. he explained in detail that he was wearing his paint ball suit, demonstrating all the different attachments, pockets, and straps. after getting him to promise to dance with each of them that night, they scampered off. harem girl seems kind of stunned. chatty before, she is now mute. tron guy tries to make conversation(at this point harem girl takes off without uttering a word)by asking me a few questions. i answer politely and even offer a few things to the conversation, but i am careful not to flirt in any way. since the adoration of his fan club was lacking in me, he soon lost interest and took his leave without even saying a polite good bye. more people are arriving and the costumes run from ridiculous to truly original. the food is being brought out and a handful of people rush up to the table and start serving themselves. no welcome. no opening prayer. nothing. the dj finally notices people eating, stops the music, and quickly asks someone to offer an opening prayer and blessing on the food. to be continued....

yikes!

i am starting to regret agreeing to go to the single adult halloween party. when i was asked to provide service a few months ago, it seemed like no big deal. thought i might be warming up to the whole single mormon socialization ritual. i was kidding myself. if i hadnt agreed to work tonight, i would bail on this party so fast. i really want it to be different. i want to go and see all the stereotypes busted. just not holding out a lot of hope. i tend to get a little dramatic when i havent gotten enough sleep. need to find 20 minutes in todays crazy schedule to work in a power nap. dark circles will do nothing for my costume. i am a pretty happy with how my costume came together. its a total nod to my 80's teenage years and i figure that the crowd tonight will get it.

opening presents

i was having a discussion on modesty with a man i have known most of my life. i will probably give the background story on him in another post, but i just need to get to the oddness of a comment he made to me. he said, "there is nothing more alluring than a modestly dressed woman. its like opening a beautifully wrapped present at Christmas time". is it just me? i thought it was a strange thing to say. i like when men can look at a woman who is dressed modestly and find her not only attractive, but sexy. i just thought his comment was so weird. i think part of it is because i think he is in the closet and maybe the attempts at commenting on the attractiveness of a woman rings false to me.

thirty. 30. the big 3-OH

the ranting librarian over at the voice of reason was talking about her 30th birthday and of course it made me think of my 30th year. yuck. thats the year i divorced msof and a lot of the drama happened right around my birthday. not all of it was yuck. divorce is certainly yucky, but i freed myself of a bad relationship and managed to get myself to hawaii to celebrate. msof called my lawyer while i was gone and was sooooooo pissed off i was in hawaii. that was the best. he never wanted to go anywhere and as soon as hes out the door, i put my traveling shoes on.

facebook

facebook can really bring back your past and set it right at your feet. i got a friend request from a boy(now a man, of course)i knew in high school. even though he was super shy, i knew he liked me. we sat next to each other in seminary my senior year and got to know each other a little bit. i was broken up with tgws for most of my senior year, so if he had asked me out, i would have went, but he never asked. he had an obnoxious friend who tried to get him to do it, but he was just too shy. there was one embarrassing night where they showed up at my house way too late(i had strict, very old fashioned parents)and the obnoxious friend was making a lot of noise. i got so angry that they were risking getting me in trouble that i bolted out the front door and told the sweet, but shy guy that if he wanted to ask me out to do it without his obnoxious friend hanging around and get the hell away from my house before my dad came out and made us all sorry. he must have been really embarrassed because i dont think he ever spoke to me again. after that, i pretty much forgot about it. i had a lot of stuff going on-the final break up with tgws. dating a lot. my engagement to msof. one night we went out with msof's friends to a 50's style drive in where the guys liked to show off their cars. msof had just bought a very cool, very fast muscle car and wanted all his friends to see it. once we got there i realized there were a ton of people i knew from school. i was glad to have others to talk to since the bs conversation msof was having with his friends was getting boring really fast. i walked across the parking lot to say hi to this small group of guys. they were all shocked i was with msof(this seemed to be the general consensus when we told people we went to school with), but were happy to see me. as we were talking, someone brought up shy guys name. i asked how he was doing and joked about how he never asked me out. the look of utter shock on their faces told me that i should have kept my mouth shut. i immediately started back pedaling, trying to laugh it off and save face. as i went to leave and return to the other side of the parking lot where msof was, they all gave me a hug and wished me good luck. in the few seconds it took me to walk across the parking lot, msof had already called off his red neck, truck driving buddies from beating the hell of of the boys who had hugged me a few minutes before. i guess them even looking at me for more that a few seconds broke some good ol boy code of conduct. they were soon distracted by a group of ultra preppy college boys who looked at one of their girl friends the wrong way. i am not sure how we got out of there without blood shed. the guys were practically frothing at the mouth and the girls were crying. it was a mess. the next night when i got home from work, my mom said that the shy guy had dropped by. my heart plunged into my stomach. i guess he pretty much spilled his guts to my mom, telling her how he loved me since high school, but didnt think he had a chance and he had to talk to me before i married msof. i felt like such a jerk. i tried to go see him, but couldnt track him down. called and left a message, but he never called back. a life time passes and hes my friend on facebook. we caught up a little via im. he asked about my divorce and then commented: "you are and always were too good for msof". it might be self indulgent, but it was nice to hear.

in contrast

this was the last video mr ex man ever sent me. quite a departure from the sweet beginnings.

everywhere

forgive the frequent walks down memory lane. music really throws me in the way back machine. the first guy i dated after my divorce(no cute nickname for him) used to sing this to me. this and "you are my sunshine". too bad he was an alcoholic frat boy(several years younger than me...this "cougar" thing keeps popping up, doesnt it?)that hasnt settled down to this day(11 years later). he was soooo cute and had the BEST southern accent that just made my knees weak. southern accents and irish brogues just do it for me. knowing that jake and calvin served in ireland makes me raise my well groomed eyebrows and my blue eyes sparkle.

not too much to ask

one of my guilty pleasures is watching reruns of gilmore girls . on todays episode, lorelai is at the diner talking to luke and says, "all anyone wants is to find a nice person to hang out with until they drop dead. its not too much to ask." sums it up, doesnt it?

3 steps forward, 2 steps back

i was gloating a little to myself yesterday because i made it past the hump with mr ex-man. the cycle is broken. no phone calls, texts, or emails. then a friend posts an innocent comment on facebook and it totally reminded me of this . its one of the first videos that mr ex man ever sent me. i had never heard of bens brother and this sweet song was a memorable introduction. so now i am trying to get back from the little trip down memory lane. I HATE THIS. i guess that will teach me to get all high and mighty and think all the memories are erased from my mind and heart. stupid! ok- to end on a positive note...i am still a step ahead, right?

sunday naps

i am a late bloomer when it comes to the whole napping thing. its just been the last few years that i actually look forward to a nap after church. get home, a little lunch, and then go to bed. i like to put a movie on or maybe some music and just doze a little. sunday naps are always better with someone. mr ex man and i enjoyed a few naps. its nice to spoon with someone in front of a movie and just drift off to sleep in their arms. sigh. just thinking about this stuff as i am laying in bed with my laptop looking for a movie to watch.

things that make you go "mmmmmm"

church is one of the best places to people watch. i cringe to think that people are observing me the way that i might observe them, but that does nothing to deter me. today i noticed two couples in particular. one married 25 years or so, still have a few fairly young kids, but they are all cozy in the pew, whispering to each other, and totally enjoying themselves. then there is another couple, probably married about 10 years. they are both nice and you can tell they are friendly, but there seems to be no spark, no chemistry between them. there has to be something going on because they have six kids, but to see them together, its like they are roommates. no hand holding or arms around each other. no lean in. i love the lean in and its absence is suspect to me. there just doesnt seem to be a lot of love or passion there. maybe they are just super conservative and dont do the pda thing. maybe there is some serious swinging from the chandelier behind closed doors. i hope so. as someone who is celibate, i hate to think of anyone "legal" choosing not to have a fulfilling sex life.

i kind of get it now

good romance is in short supply. just like money and jobs in the horrible economy-a good man is nearly impossible to find. i keep coming across the weird ones. my gay best friend(gbf)says that the majority of people are emotionally unhealthy jerks and the process of dating is an arduous task just to weed out all the shitheads and find right guy for you. he speaks from experience. we have been friends for years and i watched him suffer through many bad relationships until he found THE GUY. its quite a conflict when you are lds and one of the best examples of a good relationship is a gay couple. more on that in another post to come soon.
i never understood when people were willing to have sex with someone just to have a breathing body lying next to them for a night or get married for the companionship. or settle for a loveless marriage for security. opportunities for all of these things have presented themselves throughout my life. some of them in the last day or two. i have never come close to doing any of these things, but the difference is that in the past i stood i judgment. it was easy to just say no and i could not get why anyone would sell out for a weak substitute for the real thing. eternal true love. i kind of get it now. i dont judge anymore. happiness is hard work and sometimes you just need a break. and maybe there is a mr right for now who can provide that break while you are waiting for prince charming. or maybe you are sick of waiting and decide to stick with mr right for now and end up living a lovely, content life. doesnt sound too bad.

seriously people!

just tell me, am i just an idiot? the lone sucker that still thinks no sex before marriage is the right thing to do? i am so irritated right now. mr jack mormon not only asked me to have sex with him, i think he ruined at least two posts i was going to write ABOUT him. he told me that he honestly thought i would change my mind. WHAT THE F....? change my mind? are you serious? we never even kissed! so....lets say i WAS a sex before marriage kind of girl. i wouldnt be THAT kind of girl-you know, the booty call kind of girl. he literally asked me to hook up with him last night at about 9 o clock. mr jack mormon is a JACK ASS.

the way to a mans heart

i love to cook. love, love, love it. i am really good at it, but i generally do not cook for my dates. for me, cooking is another means of flirting. i do it if i like you. you know, LIKE LIKE you. i made one exception and i am still regretting it. i cooked for mr nice, but boring. hes from kentucky and i just had make my biscuits and sausage gravy for a real southerner. he was coming over to go to church, so i told him to come over a little early for breakfast. eggs, sausage, biscuits, and gravy......YUMMY. he swore i could serve it to his mother and not be ashamed. i really like when my cooking is well received....makes me feel good. after church, i made chicken and dumplings . he liked that as well, so it was a good day all around for me in the kitchen. of course i cooked for mr ex-man. and msof. both loved my cooking and were sweet about complimenting me and being grateful. i miss cooking for someone i love. i enjoy planning meals i know they will like, doing the grocery shopping, and spending the time in the kitchen to make whatever they might like best. if i ever fall in love again i am going to make engagement chicken to seal the deal. when the recipe ran in glamour magazine, the accompanying article told of several staffers who made it for their boyfriends and got engagement rings shortly thereafter. for additional backup i will make rachel rays vodka cream pasta. i know my mother would FLIP OUT if she found out i put alcohol in anything i was cooking, but i am willing to risk the possible word of wisdom implications(it cooks out, doesnt it?)for my eternal happiness with the man i love.

snuggle

mr jack mormon asked me to snuggle after our last date. knowing his disdain for religious inspired celibacy, i thought it best to define terms. was "snuggle" code for sex or maybe even heavy petting? so i asked. nope. he said snuggle meant snuggle. now the weird(or maybe just stupid) thing was he gave me this invite via email AFTER he took me home. he lives about an hour away, so its not like he could just come back over. we went back and forth via email, him asking me clarifying questions and i guess some of my answers surprised him. like i was willing to french kiss. he really started asking questions about what was off limits and was shocked that areas above the belt(his words)were as off limits as below the belt. disappointed might be a better word. he claims that EVERY girl he has met on ldsmingle fools around. except me. arent i just a killjoy? why does he keep asking me out? does he think i am kidding? playing hard to get? when i asked him why he asked me to snuggle he said he was testing my boundaries. i swear, this guy is 41 freaking years old! isnt that the kind of stuff you do in junior high? is it too much to ask that you either accept what i am telling you or just move on to someone else?

whats your number?

no-i'm not talking about the 10 digits needed to get you on the phone. i am talking about the number of "experiences" you have had. being the serial monogamist i am, my number seems embarrassingly low. even for a law of chastity abiding girl like myself. 12. i have kissed 12 boys my entire life. and thats a reach. a couple of them i wasnt even sure if i should count them. tgws was my first kiss ever. it was clumsy and sloppy, but amazing because we loved each other so much. we had a lot of practice ahead of us and we definitely got better. tony, the guy i went to my junior prom with. super nice boyfriend and i know we kissed,but there is nothing memorable or remarkable to report there. christopher, my senior prom date. again, i know we kissed, but dont remember much about it-although i kind of had a "harper moment". i knew he wanted to kiss me, but i wasnt ready so i asked him not to. actually, i told him not to. there was no asking. after high school there was paul, but we probably only kissed a handful of times in the few months we dated. i have mentioned the forgotten rm in a previous post-his kissing was fine, but nothing earth shattering. right before msof showed up on the scene, there was mark, a boy who was ten years older than me. i say boy because he really was a man-child. i was 19, he was 29 and i had a ton of maturity on him. we kissed a few times, but he really took the completely uninvited role of experienced sexual guide way too seriously. he was the first to ever attempt to sway me from my beliefs with an intellectual argument. he actually said "you wouldnt buy a car without taking it for a test drive, would you?" i think i laughed in his face. i was still technically dating him when msof came knocking on my door. i kind of just stopped calling him. he wasnt happy, but i was oblivious in my own happiness. besides being the man i married and my only sexual experience, msof stood out in two other ways. he is the only man i kissed on the first date and the only one i initiated the kiss. we were good from the start- there was a ton of passion and we really had to reign things in a few times. once we were engaged, i almost slipped in to complacency, but HE put the brakes on and saved me some major anguish. kissing on the first date happens a lot more often now. probably because i am in my 40's and i dont want to waste a bunch of time only to find out he is a horrible kisser. so------12. it would have been 13 if mr jack mormon wasnt such a freakin sissy.

something in the air

I can feel it. i have been kind of antsy all day and mr ex man is on my mind. thats really not the norm anymore, so it freaked me out a little. then it occurred to me. its about that time. ever since his first melt down there has been a pattern. a cycle. its happened so often that my subconscious realizes it before i do. we are in that phase of the cycle. maybe he wont contact me. maybe he really believed me this time and i wont hear from him. i wont have to be the bitch and tell him i threw everything out and that until recently(thank you subconscious mind caving into the co-dependent pattern)hes not on my mind nearly as much as he used to be. i can manage a few days without him crossing my mind at all. there is an evil part of me that wants to tell him about mr jack mormon and how he thinks i sexually torture him and how fun that is. i know, evil. hes just been such a jerk. he deserves it, but when we love someone we dont give them what we deserve, do we? we give them more. give them better. just like we hope they will give us more than we deserve. fingers crossed that he breaks the pattern and doesnt make me do all the dirty work. again.

mormon girls and their underwear

i had to laugh when i saw this post on the pioneer woman . it made me think of my own teenage battles with my mom over underwear. my mom, a garment wearing, faithful lds woman, believed in the old school technique of teaching modesty which basically meant that i was only allowed to wear clothing that would accommodate garments. this was to prepare me for the quickly approaching day that i would be married in the temple to my own personal rm. every year under the christmas tree was a sears box lovingly wrapped by my mother that contained that years supply of appropriate underwear. white granny panties. yep. thats what my mother thought every young woman should wear. but all my friends wore cute bikinis. in a rainbow of colors. some even had the days of the week printed on them. i wanted some of those cute bikinis! i was tired of my old fashioned white underwear sticking out of my super cool looking 501 jeans and ruining my whole look. i started using my babysitting money and buying cute underwear. my mother was not happy(i think she was calling the bishop to counsel me and my wicked ways), but i was able to talk her down from the cliff and prevent her from throwing them away when i explained that no one but me sees them and what was worse-bikinis that no one could see or big ole white underwear sticking out from my waistband? she reluctantly agreed, but made me promise no string bikinis. she drives a hard bargain. i remember when thongs started getting popular and you could actually pick them up at target instead of having to wear a wig and dark sunglasses and sneak into fredricks of hollywood to buy them. i was married at this point, so i got a few. of course msof LOVED them. men are so silly sometimes....yet we indulge them. why is that? i hope this isnt too personal, but i hope all the good lds(married)girls got some thongs and other racy stuff at all the showers that were thrown for them. dont hide them in a drawer!! break them out and break them in. they wont stay on for long anyway.