being dumped sucks

i was reading this post bye fei and was trying to remember how all of my relationships ended. until dick-i was always the one doing the breaking up. there were several times where choices or behavior on the guys part really left me no choice ie: msof cheating on me or mr ex man being just plain crazy, but right now i cant remember anyone else breaking up with me.
not sure why i am making this point, but i am conducting a post relationship autopsy. why do we do that? i need to quit. i will not let this drag out like mr ex man or mr nice guy. i dont think i will hear from dick again, so the drag out probably wont be an issue. mr ex man and i drug it out for two years. mr nice guy was a little longer. its stupid.
i am rambling. sorry about that. i havent been posting much because i was so busy with dick and now i feel all this stuff that just needs to get out.
i have been feeling the need to reach out to mr ex man or mr jack mormon. both have contacted me in the last few weeks, but i ignored them. i know i could get a quick shot of self esteem from them, but it would be short lived since they are both jerks who dont want whats best for me.
embarrassment. that is the overriding feeling right now. being dumped sucks.

what to do?

i have never been one for big new year eve celebrations, but since dick broke up with me, i feel like i just need to get out. friends(the married with kids type)have invited me to their houses and as much as i appreciate that, i dont think i want to go. i would normally stay home, but...that seems pathetic.
i hear barry singing...

thank you
ashley for being my new found blog friend and nominating me for...
this AWARD!



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1. dick just broke up with me. its weird and i dont really feel like talking about it, but i am sure i will eventually blab all the embarrassing details. i am like that you know

2. i have never been a new years eve kind of girl, but i think i might go to the single adult party tonight just to be out of the house since i wont be out with dick.

3. i am really tired right now. emotional upheaval is exhausting.

4. i am stressing a little because i dont know if there are 15 blogs that i am aware of that i could mention here.

5. i am really hungry-my stomach is rumbling, but i cant eat because of the aforementioned emotional upheaval.

6. if i go out tonight i need to get going on my hair and makeup. i am so not cute right now.

7. i clean up really good, so if i go out i will look really cute.

career options

i have been told several times that i have a nice phone voice and both men and women have told me that i could make serious bank as...how should i say...a "customer service representative" in the adult entertainment "industry". thats a compliment, right?
could i get away with paying tithing on that kind of income?

to tell or not to tell?

should i tell dick i write a blog and he is now a main character?
i have never told anyone, especially guys i have dated.

heal thyself

dick and i will be spending a lot of time together over the next few days. i have been nothing but excited and looking forward to this time with great anticipation.
what the hell happened to me? i am all grumpy-stuff is just bugging me. the kind of stuff that doesnt matter or normally wouldnt bug me.
i withdrew from a conversation with dick earlier today because i felt myself getting pissy and tense. i know enough about myself that i realize in moments like that, i just need to get the heck out.
then i started thinking-trying out figure out what was going on. why would i be pissy and tense when, what appears to be the man of my dreams, will be with me practically 24/7 for the next few days?
i came to the conclusion that the problem is that i have been here before. all the fun stuff in the beginning and then the guy bails for a variety of reasons. cant cut the apron strings, really doesnt want to be sealed in the temple, his children control him, and the ultimate reason: he just wasnt that in to me after all.
its not fair to punish him for my past, but i certainly cant ignore it. i have to learn and move on, but also be aware of potential problems. keep my eyes open so to speak.
does anyone know how to actually do that? can you teach me?

the sharks are circling

is there some sort of super power or sixth sense that your ex's KNOW when you are falling in love with someone and moving on?
in the past week i have heard from mr jack mormon AND mr ex man. tgws im'd me about 2 weeks ago.
i briefly chatted with tgws, but ignored mr jack mormon and mr ex man.
mr ex man sent a link to a youtube video of an 80's hair metal band singing a mournful ballad.
mr jack mormon keeps trying to tease and taunt me into replying to him. when that didnt work, he tried "friending" people on facebook to get to me.
funny how for both of these men, this level of effort was never exerted in the past.
sigh.
i am hoping they will just go away. not that i have a problem with confrontation. i dont. i just dont feel like getting into it with either of them.
meanwhile-things with dick are strolling along at a steady pace.
color me happy.

dtr

i think i just had a dtr with dick. it wasnt a big deal, but it was nice. very nice, indeed.
i never thought i would have a dtr. i felt somewhat above a dtr, but it just kind of HAPPENED .
kind of like a few weeks ago when we were discussing how we met on the lds dating website and we both ended up canceling our accounts together. it just HAPPENED .
i have never been a big fan of the concept of something just "happening". i always considered it total bs, but now...things are just happening and i am pretty happy about it.
my compulsion to ruin things with my fears and insecurities is at an all time low and that mainly has to do with the way he handles things. the way he handles me.
i know that sound horrible. "handles me", but its not horrible. its nice.
i have to admit there is still a subtle sense of waiting for the other shoe to fall and a need to prepare for the worst, but i am fighting it.
i will keep you posted.

jinx

there is so much i want to tell you about dick and everything that is going on, but i am afraid to jinx it. normally, i am not the slightest bit superstitious, but when it comes to the possibility of finding HIM, the read deal, mr right, i am willing to employ whatever means necessary to make sure it doesnt get screwed up.so.....i dont want to do anything to jinx it including blabbing all over my blog(that he doesnt know about)about how crazy i am for this guy and how great its going.
despite the damage, humpty dumpty(me)is somewhat getting put back together. i really appreciate the comments that were left. its nice to know i am not the only one who has baggage they cant seem to shake. dick is super patient. he is willing to earn my trust and actually does more than pay lip service. he walks the walk too.
i have to admit, i am waiting for the other shoe to fall. maybe he will tell me he is a post op transsexual(i think i would be able to tell that.)or that he isnt a full tithe payer(now there is a real deal breaker.)i dont want to create a self fulfilling prophecy, so i try to chase those thoughts away as soon as they arrive. cautiously optimistic. thats me.

like humpty dumpty...

i am not sure i can be put back together again...
things with dick(from tom dick and harry. see previous posts please.)are going amazingly well, but me? not so much.
i am aware of how my dating past(not to mention my married past)has me gun shy, but i didnt realize how much.
dick is patient and kind and WONDERFUL.
i will not screw this up.
maybe i will.
maybe i should.
i just dont know. been praying hard. been to the temple.
maybe if i wrote in my freaking blog more it would act as a cathartic process and work all the kinks out of my system.
how are you guys? i miss you. i miss writing and seeing your comments. i hope your holidays are going well.
my holiday is going fine. staring at the gift dick sent me, that i havent decided when to open, and wondering how i got this lucky/blessed.
holiday baking starts this weekend. love holiday baking. :)

good stuff

read this
seriously read it and let me know what you think. i think i became acquainted with this blog when the author commented here. i really like what he has to say about virtue in general, but specifically, i like how he talks about how virtue is not just about suffering through abstinence,but finding joy in celibacy. it was kind of an ah-ha moment for me.
i have never "suffered" with celibacy. not sure why, but i know that i have been ok with it. maybe its because i realize that i might be saying "no" for now, but it will lead to a bigger "yes" down the road. not that i havent been seriously tempted. i have, but i am glad that the temptations have never won out.
so what do you guys think? did you or are you suffering with celibacy or did you just say "screw it" (literally and figuratively)and just "do it"?

thanksgiving

my thanksgiving was weird. not necessarily bad weird, but weird nonetheless. by lds standards, i have a pretty small family, but we all live within 20 miles of each other and usually we are all in attendance for holiday get togethers. this year, several people could not make it to thanksgiving and it just shifted the whole balance. when you are working with a fairly small group and then a chunk of them cant make it, its a loss. we knew in advance and tried to alter the menu accordingly, but we didnt do so well. we had just enough turkey, but too many side dishes. packing up leftovers to send home just didnt work out like it normally does. it was just weird.
if you care to go look at last years holiday time posts you will see much of the same whining that i am about to type up right now:
i am sick of being single and particularly worn out from it during the holidays. i want to be with SOMEONE for the holidays, not be the 5th wheel or the odd man out. to be part of a couple. to have someone to sit next to at the dinner table and know there will be a special surprise just for me,under the tree, from someone who loves me for me, not just because they are related to me by circumstance.
mr married man's divorce for sure will not be final in time for christmas, so hes out. mr jack mormon has been texting me, but i have been ignoring him. i just dont want to go there anymore. i am sure he could be a distraction during the holiday season, but why bother? he is such a pain.
is everyone looking forward to the holidays?

smc & pw-reunited and cooking up a storm. corn chowder with chilies

this stuff is soooooo good! i made it for the first time about 2 months ago and have made it at least 3 times since. everyone loves it. 2 of my nephews regularly request it when i am in charge of making dinner. its super easy and has a huge payoff in the praise and adulation you will receive when you serve this. if you are feeding 4 or more people, you wont have leftovers, so consider doubling the recipe-if you do have leftovers, it stores well, but dont worry, it wont last long.
as usual, i neglected to take any pictures, but if you click on the link below, you will see all of pw's awesome, step,by step shots.
corn chowder with chilies
adapted from the pioneer woman
* 2 slices Bacon, Cut Into 1/2-inch Pieces (or Smaller)
* 2 Tablespoons Butter
* 1-½ whole Yellow Onion, Diced
* 5 ears Corn, Shucked (about 4 Cups)i used frozen and it worked great
* 2 whole Chipotle Peppers In Adobo Sauce, Finely Diced (2 might be too spicy, so alter for your tolerance level)
* 1 whole 4-ounce Can Diced Green Chilies
* 32 ounces, fluid Low Sodium Chicken Broth(i only had regular and it was delicious)
* 1-½ cup Heavy Whipping Cream(see comments further down)
* ½ teaspoons Kosher Salt (more To Taste)
* 3 Tablespoons Corn Meal OR Masa
* ¼ cups Water

Preparation Instructions

(Carefully) slice the corn kernels off the cob. Set aside. dont forget you can use frozen. fresh is hard to get this time of year. might be impossible. not sure, i have never attempted to purchase fresh corn in november, but i am thinking it would be scarce.

Add bacon pieces to a pot or dutch oven over medium heat. Cook for a couple of minutes. Throw in diced onion and stir, cooking the onion for 3 to 4 minutes. Add butter and melt. Add corn. Stir and cook for one minute. Add both kinds of chilies and stir.

Pour in chicken broth and cream. Add salt. Stir and bring to a boil. Reduce heat to low. i have made this recipe several times and the best results have been with heavy cream. i have used whole milk and half and half and it tastes great, but the texture isnt the same.

Combine cornmeal (or masa) with water. Stir to combine, then pour into the chowder. Cover and cook for 15 minutes over low heat. If chowder needs more thickening, add another tablespoon of cornmeal mixed with water. Cook for another ten minutes.

Serve with crusty sourdough bread or in a bread bowl. Absolutely yummy!

the other woman

i shot out a quick post about me being the "other woman" and immediately deleted it. apparently a few of you saw it and asked me to explain.
even once i deleted it, i knew i would rewrite it-the original post was too short and too much to the point. seemed careless and crass.
its well documented that i have no problem being somewhat irreverent about most things others would consider pretty serious and off limits to sarcasm and jokes, but not this. i have made a few joke to myself and to dick(yes, THAT dick of tom, dick, and harry)about this and its pretty funny, but...
anyway-i guess i should explain.
as i mentioned in an earlier post dick is married. that is the irrefutable fact, but as with all fact it can be twisted and spun in such a way that can make you believe it doesnt matter. even when it does.
dick and i had been emailing and im'ing via the lds single website for a short period of time when i asked him how long his divorce had been final. when he typed in that is wasnt yet, my heart just sank. not because i was so in love with him or thought he was "the one", but it meant he lied. his profile clearly stated he was divorced.
we continued on with our conversation. we talked a lot about our marriages and his impending divorce.
his wife advised him of the affair she had been having for over a year and that she wanted a divorce late last year. he tried to keep his family together(4 kids)until early spring when she decided to take the kids, move 2 hours away, and move in with her boyfriend.
a few(and i mean a few)months after that i met him on the dating site. we have "hit it off" and talk a lot, but i laid some pretty strict and tough rules about our communication. some would consider it ridiculous, but i think its important to be careful for a couple of reasons.
1. i have never been in this position before. totally uncharted territory for me and its kind of nerve racking.
2. normal dating behavior would be considered sinful. holding hands or kissing(chastely)a married man when you are not his wife. no-no.
any one out there successfully deal with this type of scenario? i know of a distant uncle who met his current wife at church while he was still divorcing his first wife. they were sealed in the temple and have been married over 30 years.
dicks wife has moved over 2 hours away. papers have been signed. am i being too strict or am i doing the right thing? the "right thing" meaning no dating or dating behavior until the divorce is final. signed, sealed, and delivered. please tell me what you think.

welcome back!

number 42 is back!! yeah for me!! i have missed you so and now i feel complete and ready to face the world again. a dark cloud has been lifted.
love you guys. seriously, i do.

juggling

i am a klutz and have zero athletic talent. maybe juggling really wouldnt be considered athletic, but the point i am making is that i am horrible. literally and figuratively.
when i checked my email saturday morning, i had a notice from the lds dating website telling me that i had an email waiting. i went to check it out and was pleasantly surprised to read a lovely email from a very nice man in california. he was still logged on, so he initiated a chat with me. we were having a lovely get to know you chat when some jerk comes on claiming we knew each other and was super high pressure for me to meet him for lunch. all attempts to nicely give him "the hint" was completely lost on him, so i finally had to get rude, but it took about 20 min to get there and in the meantime, i am still chatting with mr california and then both tom and dick start texting me. ITS JUST TOO MUCH.
not to pat my own back, but i think i handled it quite well. i started getting a bit stressed out-i could feel some anxiety rearing its ugly head, but when i got rid of the rude jerk, i was able to sweetly end the chat with mr california and then negotiating the texts with tom and dick was a piece of cake.
at this point in the game, i feel no obligation to either tom or dick to clue them in on the others existence, but i think both are at a point where that could shift quickly and some discussions would have to take place. i dread that. i would almost rather one of them decide that i wasnt worth the trouble and disappear rather than have to be the one to deal with it all.
tom seems pretty level headed. he wants to meet me and see what happens, but i dont think he has any expectations beyond that he thinks i am cute and will probably want to kiss me. which i am ok with.
dick, on the other hand, seems to like me a lot more. i like him too, but there are other complications that i will get into on a future post.
this could get hairy. deep breath. I AM IN CONTROL.
any ideas? anyone have some recent experience with this type of juggling stuff? i could use all the help i can get.

hold my purse

and go buy me some tampons and NO i will NOT say please. i have never quite understood this THING about women asking men to hold their purses while they shop or get their nails done or just because they said. dont even get me started on the purchase of the aforementioned feminine hygiene products. i mean, you know you are going to have "the visitor" every month, right? cant you be prepared for that?
of course there are "emergencies" and your man should be willing to step in if necessary and not feel that he was castrated in the process, but to regularly ask him to hold your purse or brave the gauntlet that is the feminine hygiene aisle seems out of line,but thats just me.
as far as the "man purse" or any version of the "european shoulder bag", i personally do not find this look attractive, but it wouldnt be a deal breaker. it doesnt necessarily scream "GAY!"(jazz hands)to me, but it doesnt really paint the masculine picture of the hunter gatherer either.

halloween

halloween has never been a favorite holiday of mine. i am not against it in any way, i just dont totally dig on it.
i let someone in my ward(family ward, remember)talk me into dressing up. now she is married and totally in love with her husband and he is crazy about her, so she has nothing to lose by dressing up like an idiot. i, on the other had, have EVERYTHING to lose by dressing up like an idiot.
there is one "eligible" bachelor in our ward and while i feel no desperate need to impress him, i certainly dont want to be the crazy spinster with the stupid costume. lets just say my costume included(but was not limited to) a zebra print mumu, dragon lady length sculpted nails painted to match the mumu, and a nicoderm cq patch. it was fun, but i was glad to get home and get out of it.
family ward parties are all about the kids(as they should be)and since my nieces and nephews arent little anymore, i find myself kind of distancing myself from the little ones. not on purpose, like ugh, get that kid away from me, but just not that interested. i comment on the cute babies, but i never ask to hold them. if their mom asks me to, i will. i have the skills, but i dont use them that often.
are donuts at ward halloween parties a "thing"? i thought it was just our ward, but i heard others mention it on fb. remember when homemade root beer was a mormon party thing? homemade root beer would have been awesome, but i sweet talked a little kid into grabbing me a jelly donut and that was good enough. yummmmmmmmmm.

nothing. whats up with you?

i havent posted and there is nothing too interesting going on, but i will give you a few tid bits.
i let someone from church talk me into a CRAZY costume idea for the ward party. this crazy idea included spending 50 bucks to go have acrylic nails put on and painted a ghetto fabulous gold lame color.they were incredibly long and i had them trimmed down today, but i am still somewhat hindered. texting a typing are a nightmare.
tom and i have decided to talk a little more in the upcoming weeks before he arrives for our first date. the conversations have been good. he seems sincere and genuine. i am looking forward to meeting him in person.
dick is becoming more interested and very complimentary. from what i have been able to gather, he is a good man. nice. funny. he is the walking wounded and he wants me to be his rebound girl, but the thing is, he doesnt think i will be a rebound girl. he thinks i might be THE GIRL. has anyone heard of a situation like that working?
i am thinking of going to a fireside tomorrow. its been kind of a crazy weekend and i am worn out. i think i will play it geriatric and just go to bed early.
is that as pathetic as it sounds?
i love fall. the changing colors, the crisp, cool air. i. love. fall.

number 42?

where are you? i have been gaining and losing my 42nd follower for weeks now. i am not sure who you are, but i am sad you are gone. blogging IS a popularity contest and i feel the loss when you leave. sigh. miss you. please come back.
i have been toying with this idea of writing a post about phone sex...would that bring you back? what if i posted about my favorite conference talk? would that do it? i just want to cover all my bases. i love you number 42...please dont leave me!

what was i thinking?

i used to think he was sooooooo sexy. he reminds me a little of tgws and really spoke to the heavy metal chick in me.






but never him.






















especially NOT him.

happy anniversary to me!

my "anniversary" is coming up pretty soon. i would have been married 22 years. how freaking weird is that?
some years(i have been divorced over 10)the day flies by without notice, but this year, i have definitely noticed.
its an interesting place to be; i look at my marriage almost like it happened to someone else. i can look at it for exactly what it was-the good and the bad. the terrible things he did no longer have the power to hurt me in the slightest. its been that way for a long while and its a pretty good place to be.
since we never had children together, there was no reason to have any further contact and i have completely lost track of him. i have heard a few things here and there over the years and there have been a few "sightings", but nothing concrete. i am ok with that.
i am pretty certain if i ran into him, i would be more that civil, but completely uninterested in any conversation or "catch up". i am confident that i know what kind of life he is living and i would not want to be part of that in any way.
when people ask how long i have been divorced and when i tell them they ALWAYS ask how often i see or talk to him. when i say NEVER, they always seem surprised. why is that? does everyone keep in contact with their ex? am i weird because i dont?

awesome blog

check it out!


i have only had a chance to read a few articles, but they are well written and very interesting. i love the layout as well-let me know what you guys think.

respectable spinster

have you heard of the movie "zandys bride"? i hadnt either, but came across it while i was searching the netflix watch instantly library. i love, love, love gene hackman, so i went against my normal anti western stance and watched it.

one of the opening scenes shows the ad placed by zandys bride to be:


respectable spinster, american stock. wants life in the west. wishes to marry.

she rode the train out, he checked her teeth(not really)and they got married. he took her home to his filthy little bachelor cabin on his extremely remote ranch. from there, the hilarity ensues. not really. if you have ever seen it, you know what i mean.

if it were only that easy. what would my ad look like?

respectable spinster, midwest work ethic, wants life with a good man. wishes to marry in the temple.

ok, ok, i know TECHNICALLY, i am not a spinster since i am divorced, but the ad really would read the same; bitter divorcee...nah..that wouldnt reel them in. gay divorcee...probably would draw the wrong crowd. you see what i mean, right?

first date time

talked to tom last night and its official. he is coming to my town for some business and we will be meeting in person for the first time.
i am excited to meet him, but not overly so and i am hoping that is a sign of maturity as opposed to a genuine lack of interest.
he is an interesting guy, but a tiny bit stuffy. he seems aware of it and takes measures to lighten up a little, so thats a good thing.
maybe he is the kind of guy i need. now please dont think i am designing a temple appropriate wedding dress and making a reception menu in my head. i am just thinking that "my type" has only gotten me in trouble and maybe its time to think outside the box.
still no word from harry and dick has his daughter for the weekend. he checked in saying he would be busy,but was looking forward to talking to me again.
so there you go. the smc dating update.

very curious indeed

while perusing through my "stats", i discovered that i have more readers from iraq and yemen than i do from the uk. how weird is that?

memories of my mom

i was watching some saturday night live retrospective on vh-1 the other night and while they were discussing 9-11 and their season premiere that year they showed a clip of paul simon singing the boxer.
my mom had a greatest hits 8 track tape of simon and garfunkle and i knew all the songs by heart, including this one.
my memory in general is truly pathetic, but there is something about songs that i always remember. i sang right along with mr simon, word for word.
i get a little giggle when i remember myself as a little girl singing cecilia at the top of my lungs while my mom played it in the car. i am surprised she even let me listen to it. if you dont understand why, you should listen to it, its a little naughty.

sweet

caught this video(the official one) on cmt while i was channel surfing. i love the sentiment behind it-i love you despite your quirks and annoying ways and even when you dont look good, you are beautiful. :)

tom, dick, and mr jack mormon

tom has been texting me and we have spoken a few times. the conversations are always good, but the last one turned a little serious and by serious i mean depressing. depressing for him, not for me.
he has been separated for 2 years and divorced for a little more than a year. this in itself is remarkable considering how quickly lds guys get married after divorce or being widowed. his ex wife was recently engaged and is asking for a cancellation of their sealing so she can be sealed to the new guy. he says he is not in love with her or want to be with her anymore, but as he put it the "eternal consequences" were weighing heavy on him.
all the business with sealings and cancellations and where do the kids go...its so much to think about. mr ex man was convinced that despite the fact his ex wife was ex communicated that she could stop him from being sealed to anyone else and that if he managed to be sealed to someone else, he would eternally lose his kids. i just dont think that can be right, but i hear so many stories.
dick got an appointment with a lawyer and says he hopes i am still around when he gets divorced. awwwwwww. the big problem here is that i would be the rebound girl-do i really have the time or patience for that? noooooooooo i do not.
mr jack mormon textd me and we went back and forth for a bit. its always the same, nothing comes of it and i always feel a little sad. it seems such a waste and i try to really look at myself and my own motives for continuing to engage in communication with him. its not good-not necessarily bad, but it certainly has no real positive outcome. sigh.

still here...

but super busy. all this stuff has been happening at once and i am struggling to manage it all. nothing bad, just different and lots of it.
havent heard from harry. i really dont get how i can be "everything i ever wanted in a woman" and then he totally disappears. no real investment so it doesnt hurt my feelings, but i am just curious. why did he do that? i could speculate for years, but i wont. a few of you have commented with a few of your theories and i would love to hear more. guys? any dude theories you can give for such weird behavior?
maybe harry does that with every woman, just hoping someone goes for it-you know, playing the odds. any credibility to that one?

when harry met smc

so here is the 411 on the date with harry: as normal, i met harry at the restaurant. i rarely let a man pick me up at home on the first date. its not that i feel like i am in danger in any way, i just think its smart not to let someone into your home until you know them a little better. i let the last guy pick me up at home since he lived so close, but i didnt let him in. is that weird?
i was a little concerned that harry looked so different from his profile picture that i wouldnt recognize him. he said he was 6 ft tall,but many men lie about that. i dont think its intentional deceit, its that they are deluding themselves. they want to be six feet tall so they stretch a little and call it 6 feet. then they question me like i am lying about how tall i am.
in some weird way he looked exactly the same as his picture-i recognized him immediately-but totally different. his picture was just waist up, but he looked almost barrel chested. this made sense, considering his workout schedule, but in person, he was slim. he definitely looked like he was in shape, but i was expecting stocky. i think he might have been at least 6'1". he was casually dressed, but looked nice and was well groomed. he kind of had a little ed harris thing going on which i consider a-ok. we greeted each other as we shook hands and he held the door for me as we walked in to the chinese restaurant.
when i told my best friend where we were going for lunch she yelled "you have to try the dim sum! they are FAMOUS for their dim sum!" i thought dim sum was a dish like egg fu young or something, but for those of you who dont know(harry didnt and only 1 person who i have told this story to knew what it was)its kind of like a chinese tea. they have carts of appetizer size dishes so you can try a bunch of different things. a little rolling cafeteria that comes to your table. when my friend explained it,she mentioned some of the dishes including fried chicken feet.i am a fairly adventurous diner, but i dont think i would ever go to that extreme. i was feeling intimidated by the prospect, but promised to bring it up to harry.
we were seated and immediately the carts started coming up to our table. they were showing us different things that i could not identify and they were unable to explain. we asked for menus and started looking at them when another cart rolled by that caught harrys eye. he pointed to a couple of plates and they were placed on our table. the carts kept coming and soon our table was full and the menus forgotten. when there was no room left to place anymore food, he looked at me and said "lets pray". i ride the fence when it comes to saying a blessing on your food in a restaurant. i definitely do not like it to be loud or a big show, but if someone wants to offer a blessing, i am ok with that. i am also ok with quietly praying to myself. i am glad i didnt object. his prayer was lovely-none of the standard phrases like "nourish and strengthen". i liked it-major points.
the dinner conversation was interesting and there werent any uncomfortable silences. i liked how he really looked at me while he spoke-it wasnt weird or creepy, it was like he was truly interested and it showed in his eyes.
lunch lasted about 2 hours, but it flew by. i didnt feel any za za zing, but something more solid that might be more appropriate for a first date. there were honest exchanges about all different kinds of things. he impressed me with his honesty about some very difficult things, but his revelations were never inappropriate or too much. it was good.
he walked me out to my car he shook my hand and then instead of releasing it as one would normally do he brought my hand up to his face and kissed my hand. normally i would be totally turned off by such a cheesy move, but it wasnt cheesy. it was sweet and i liked it-i dont think i even blushed a little. i just smiled sweetly and shot a few sparkles his way. it was a good date and i drove away content with all that had transpired. when i got home about an hour later, i was thrilled to see i already had an email from harry waiting for me. then i read it.
You truly have captured me in a special way. You are the everything i ever wanted in a woman. We have only known each other a short time, and just met for the first time. I wanted our time to go on for ever. Youre a beautiful and special woman. I dont want you to get away, but give it some thought about us seeing each other exclusively. and hurry before some one else finds out about you, and i loose you.


sigh. our phone conversation later did not go well. he was not happy with my position that exclusivity after one date(and aprox 6 hrs of phone conversations)was not wise.
we havent spoken since. WHAT THE HELL?

my latest email

from the lds dating site:

Hello Sweetie,
mervelous is wat i would call your profile,you looking so sweet and i must say you are impressing cos you look so beautiful...wud love to be close to you..you are kind of person i woud love to be with and get to no batter cos my spirit tells me So...my im is xxxx yahoo and i willl Love to chat with you and get to no you more and more..

seriously? this has to be a joke, right?

date with harry

sigh...the date went well. the aftermath, not so much. i want to write it all out and explain and get feedback from you guys, but i just dont have it in me right now, but i will tell you this: he is crazy about me,but now he is mad at me. why is everything so freakin complicated?

tom, dick, and harry...OH MY

tom is making plans/arrangements to come see me in a few weeks, dick still isnt divorced, but im's me every few days. i am nice, but dont flirt at all. i am not interested in being a rebound girl in any way, shape, or form. harry and i have a lunch date for tomorrow. i guess he has this "rule" about the first date is always lunch. i think its pretty smart and a good way to play it safe and see someone in the broad daylight. the hd version, so to speak. we made the plans earlier this week and he has made a few cute comments along the lines of "is it saturday yet?" and when we were both made aware of some sa dinner/dance thing(he doesnt dance so i am safe there)he asked me to go with him. he seemed a little embarrassed when i teased him about breaking his lunch date rule. i was moderately flattered and was considering breaking my sa activity boycott, but when i text'd him regarding the possiblity, he said he wasnt going. bad form to tease? i promise that it wasnt mocking or anything shaming. more flirty than anything. you know, imagine me batting my eyelashes and suddenly speaking in a southern drawl "you want to break your rule for little ole me?" that kind of stuff, but not that obvious or stupid. any thoughts?

tom, dick, and harry

in a fairly short period of time i have gained 3 men(boys, guys, whatever)from the dating site. the most recent just joined me on sunday and so far, he is my favorite. i am making an effort to be cautiously optimistic as opposed to my former just cautious self. it seems to be paying off. maybe because they are older and dont seem to be quite the players that the 30 something guys are. not sure. maybe timing is everything. i just dont know. fingers crossed for me people! i think i will have a date with harry(most recent, my favorite) this weekend. tom is pretty far away and i am not sure where that will lead. as for dick-he just told me that his divorce isnt final yet. sigh. nice man, but just wondering why the hurry. maybe because his wife cheated on him and he needs some affirmation. again, i dont know. there is so much i dont know. it used to really piss me off, but now...i think i am getting used to it. not sure if thats a good thing or not.

signs of the apocolypse

i went to a single adult fireside last night, but that isnt the sign. i am considering going to a dance. I KNOW, I KNOW!! its crazy. it goes against just about everything about me, but i am still considering it. so make sure your years supply is in order and that you have all your emergency/disaster kits up to date. you never know what will happen if smc(yes, i am referring to myself in the 3rd person)goes to a dance.
the fireside was great-the topic was something that was incredibly timely and needed to be addressed. it was about successful dating and communication. really good stuff and the kicker is that the speaker was single. been divorced for quite some time and he even joked about how he had seen some of us on ldsplanet. i thought that was pretty funny.
i ran into an acquaintance that used to be in my ward before she divorced her husband and went to the singles ward. turns out since her divorce she has left her shy, mousy persona behind and is now the belle of the ball. she was introducing me to a ton of people, but mostly men, which is surprising since normally women far outnumber the men at these type of events. it was pretty well balanced.
it was a busy weekend. i chatted with two new guys from the dating site. i have a "phone date" with one tonight and if it goes well we are planning a date for saturday.
i got used to my hiatus. this is weird, but i am embracing it. stepping outside the box and going with it. for now. until it gets too scary and my head wants to blow off. it could happen.

its raining again

or still. however you want to look at it. mr ex man has arrived back on the scene and one of the new guys from the dating site called me last night. we had a delightful two hour conversation. he texted me today to say how much fun he had and that he would like to do it again. he is nice and so far i am impressed by him. i am not easily impressed, but i have learned the hard was that even if i am impressed, i need to take it with a grain of salt. it is meaningless until some real action is put behind it.
i remember watching the last lecture by randy pausch and one of the things he wanted to tell his daughter about boys/men was:
pay no attention to what he says, pay attention to what he does.

simple, but so true. i need to pay more attention to that. i like words, they mean a lot to me, but i definitely have experienced all talk and no action from the men in my life. it sucks.

a-ha! I REMEMBERED! that almost never happens.

i was over at waiting on a sister missionary(finally!) and i was listening to this song from his playlist which jogged my memory of the post and great graphic that i thought of the other day. makes me happy. :)

multi tasking. in other words, when it rains, it pours

it took me a minute, but i realized that i was in almost over my head.
getting a text from a man i met on the dating site, then i got an im, then mr jack mormon was texting me. all while managing all the regular life stuff.
first i was lamenting that nothing was really happening, now too much is happening. i wonder if i have what it takes to manage it. do i want to manage it?
i guess i will ride it out and see how long it last. it cant last forever.

swimming,swimming, just keep swimming

in general, i hate cartoons. this post really isnt about animation, so you might wonder why i posted a picture from a cartoon (albeit a feature length, animated, disney movie) here. well having a dozen or so nieces and nephews and my affection for them is great,so i subject myself to cartoons because they like them. in doing so,you pick up a couple of things like how dory has a huge problem with short term memory loss.
i am beginning to think that i have a huge short term memory loss issue too. just yesterday i had a GREAT idea for a post. normally i will go right to my computer and type up a few words or lines to remind myself of the great idea. i mean, most of these thoughts are fleeting and if you dont document them, they are gone, right?
well, i couldnt get to my computer, so i tried repeating it in my mind a few times and telling myself NOT to forget this great idea. i even had an idea for a graphic.
have you noticed that i have been putting more pictures up? its kind of my new thing. doing a quick google image search and voila! a little punch to the post.
guess what? i forgot it. i can remember the feeling of being excited about the idea and the graphic. i try to jog my memory, but to no avail. so today you get a silly post about how my mind is no longer a steel trap with instant recall with a cute picture of dory, who, like me, has a memory issue.

mr darcy, how i love you

"The power to do anything with quickness is always much prized by the posessor, and often without any attention to the imperfection of the performance."


-Mr. Darcy
Pride & Prejudice

cleaning green

i am no tree hugger. i dont wear birkenstocks(anymore) or wear patcholi(ever), but while i might not agree with the average tree huggers fashion, fragrance, or political choices, i do agree(somewhat)that we are killing our planet. i hate all the chemicals in our modern cleaning supplies. cleaning with those products gives me a headache and i dont feel well for a few hours afterward. luckily, i was given the solution. its been passed around our ward after an enrichment meeting about keeping your house spotless. super easy and cheap and it wont make you sick by exposing you to icky chemicals with indecipherable names.
cleaning green all purpose cleaning solution
1tbs borax,
3tbs white vinegar,
2 C water,
1 tbs dish soap
essential oils can be added for smell but I havent tried it.

i used a funnel to pour the ingredients into an old spray bottle that i had washed. this stuff works like a dream and you dont have to worry about toxic fumes.

thanks!

i noticed recently that i have gotten a few more followers. i love this! to me, it is very exciting,but i understand that some of you have hundreds, so my mere 40 is a spit in the bucket.
i tried to figure out who was first, but i was unsuccessful. i do know that a few like blazzer and sleeves hidden have been around for a long time. again, i really appreciate you guys stopping by and reading(maybe mocking?) my random thoughts and rants.
i also want to thank you for all the comments. blain, we dont mean to brag, mom2my10, midwaydancer, and tripphazard thank you for commenting frequently and always keeping the comments interesting. i love "talking" with you guys.
thank you to everyone who has even commented once, even anonymously. i appreciate them all.
love, smc

is it me?

does wynonna seem like she is wasted in this clip from the oprah show?



i will admit i wasnt concentrating fully on the show. i had a few things going on while it was on, but she just seems off.
even the stuff with her mom was weirder than normal. they are talking all about how they are going to therapy and setting new boundaries and their new relationship that they are taking on the road with them. to me, it just seemed like they were biting their tongues a lot. maybe i need to watch it again.



the music they make is still amazing. they sang "love can build a bridge" and the tears just streamed down my face from the first line. i love that song. i also like

pride and pejudice

"I have no pretensions whatever to that kind elegance which consists of tormenting a respectable man."

Elizabeth Bennet

Pride and Prejudice

my own personal outer darkness

i have decided to straighten my act up and get way more righteous. no more "accidental" f-bombs or justifying away rated r movies. i dont care if i have a starving infant and my breast milk has dried up, i will not got to the store on sunday for formula. ok, that last one is kind of a hysterical leap, but you get my meaning. i am cleaning up my act. why? you might ask. well this past saturday i got a preview of my eternity if i dont get it together. my outer darkness will be spent keeping score for an endless womens church volleyball game. wailing and gnashing of teeth aint nothing compared to this.

die and go to heaven

dammit! i forgot to take a picture again! oh well-click here and check out pw's pictures. mine looked exactly like that. they did. seriously. i am THAT good.

as soon as i saw ree's post, i knew i wanted to make these, but i also felt they needed to be for an "occasion". not necessarily a big one, but SOMETHING. two things popped up pretty quickly. an old friend changed my flat tire and i was assigned to bring a dessert to the stake volleyball tournament(more on that later).
at pioneer woman-she says the recipe makes 24, but i got about 52. my mini muffin tin must have been even more mini than hers.
i havent gotten a report back from my hero-friend, but the volleyball players LOVED them. not knowing i was the one who made them, there was quite a little conversation going on at my table about how great they were. i love to hear that my food creations are well received. this recipe is easy, but the finished product is impressive. i made very few alterations, but marked them with an asterisk and italics.

Pioneer Woman's Pretty Little Brownie Bites

Brownies
* 4 whole 1-ounce Squares Unsweetened Chocolate, Melted And Cooled
* 2 sticks Butter, Softened (but Not Room Temperature)
* 2 cups Sugar
* 4 whole Large Eggs
* 3 teaspoons Vanilla Extract
* 1-¼ cup All-purpose Flour
* 1 cup Milk Chocolate Chips
* 1 cup Semi-sweet Chocolate Chunks
ICING/GLAZE *
* 8 whole 1-ounce Squares Semi-sweet Chocolate, Chopped
* 1 cup Cream, Heated
* 2 Tablespoons Light Corn Syrup
* 2 teaspoons Vanilla Extract
* i halved the icing recipe because i only wanted to dip the tops.

Preparation Instructions

Preheat oven to 325 degrees

For brownies, melt 4 ounces chocolate and set aside for 15 to 30 minutes, allowing to cool. Chocolate should not be warm!

Cream butter and sugar until fluffy. Beat in the eggs two at a time.

With mixer on low, drizzle in cooled chocolate. Mix until just combined. Add flour and mix until just combined. Scrape sides and bottom of bowl and mix for five more seconds.

Add chocolate chips and chocolate chunks and mix for just a few seconds on low, until they’re incorporated.

Generously grease and flour mini-muffin pan. Scoop generous teaspoons of batter into each tin. (We don’t want the brownies to have muffin tops; try to get them to stay under the top of the tin.)

Bake for 10 to 14 minutes, or until set. Remove pans and invert on a cooling rack. Allow brownie bites to cool completely.

To make the icing, mix cream with corn syrup and heat in a microwave safe container. Add chopped chocolate to a separate bowl. Add vanilla to warm cream mixture, then pour over chopped chocolate. Stir until chocolate totally melts and mixture is smooth.

Add brownie bites face down in the icing. Dunk to submerge*, and spoon icing over the top to thoroughly coat. Remove with a fork, tapping the fork on the side of the bowl several times quickly in order to get the excess to drain between the tines. Carefully set on a baking mat or sheet of waxed paper.
* i only dipped the brownie about 2/3 of the way. it was less messy and allowed for a little edge to grab onto without having to lick chocolate off your fingers. not that i think that is necessarily bad, just saying.

Decorate as you wish! Chopped nuts, candies, sprinkles, sea salt…the world is your oyster!

oh really?

i really have a big mouth OR the few people i told about my date have really big mouths. its probably both. people keep asking me about my date and as i recount the events, things that i briefly forgot keep popping up. like the fact that as my date told me all about his divorce and custody woes, he interjected some stories about getting back into the lds single scene. apparently he has dated and befriended a couple of different women who are now married to other people(did they do it to escape his divorce stories?), but they all left their mark. one in particular told him that he was the best kisser she had ever experienced. seriously? are you bragging? is that a referral-hoping that i will check it out to see if i agree with her? i dont know how i forgot that little tid bit. i can find reasons or excuses for just about everything else he told me, but i thought that was a major breach of first date manners.

the date

my date called me about 5 minutes before he was to pick me up to let me know he would be about 10 minutes late. he got delayed with his kids and had to drop them back off at their moms. i appreciated the call and didnt mind that he was a little late. i think his reason was a good one and for a mere 10 minutes, it could have been a completely lame reason and i wouldnt have cared. i think the key point here is the call. he was considerate enough to call and let me know. i liked that.

he is a nice man and i feel really guilty even telling you some of this stuff. none of us is perfect, but there has to be a spark, right? what i am about to tell you could be considered so superficial,but i think most women will understand. maybe not the guys, but i think the girls will.

he was wearing pleated shorts. with a cuff. that were about 2 inches too short.

I KNOW!!! right?

those wouldnt be so bad except its clearly a fashion mistake for his body type.

he was a gentleman. he opened doors-deferred to me for the movie and restaurant selection. he paid. all good stuff.

we saw "the other guys". it was hilarious. i laughed out loud through the whole movie and i rarely do that. he didnt laugh once. when we were discussing the movie after wards(a rare break from the normal topic of the night. more on that later)his only comment was "it was pretty much what i thought it would be." i think i have pretty good taste in movies. i dont like junk cinema and even though this movie is definitely not going to win any oscars, it was GOOD. it bothered me that he seemed to think the movie was beneath him and his theater major background. i hate snobbery of any kind.

we decided to go to the outback for dinner. the service and the food were good. we had an attentive waiter and my steak was cooked just right,but that provided little distraction from what we talked about.

the whole night the conversation never waned or broke down in any way which is surprising considering we only spoke on one topic. his divorce and custody issues. besides asking me what movie i wanted to see and where i would like to go eat he only asked me two questions: how long were you married and why didnt you have children. thats it. no where are you originally from(i asked him to try and get him off the divorce topic), whats your sign, or ANYTHING in an effort to get to know me.
i stopped asking him questions, but he didnt seem to notice. after we had eaten dinner and the table was cleared(he offered dessert, but i begged off)the conversation switched to our sa activity experiences. i got a little more input here, but he dominated the conversation with his stories. the stories were interesting, but i dont know if i have ever been in a more one sided conversation.

he is very good with dates and now i know the exact date of when his ex wife announced she was filing for divorce, the day the divorce was final, the date he went to his first sa dance, and a host of other dates that i wont bore YOU with.

he walked me to the door and i thanked him for dinner and the movie. a chaste hug and i was in the door and washing the make up off my face.

even if he wasnt still drowning in bitterness from the divorce, i dont think we would be a match. he seemed to have fun too, but for some reason, i dont see him asking me out again. if he does, i will tell him the truth, he isnt ready.

tired

i have told the date story no less than 6 times at this point. i only told a few people i was going,but word got around. i have been working on a post giving you the details, but i am tired. ready for bed and tired of telling the story.
its not a very exciting one at all. it was a decent date with a nice man. there are a few things that could be quite funny, but it would be making fun of him and i really dont feel like doing that. if he was a jerk that would be a whole different story-i would mock him unmercifully.

smc cooks bread pudding

YES! an actual picture of this dish that i made to take to gbf's house for dessert. please consider that i am currently without a real camera and shot this with my camera phone that might have 2mp. maybe.

paula deens best bread pudding
i used the recipe posted on the food network site.


Ingredients

* 2 cups granulated sugar
* 5 large beaten eggs
* 2 cups milk
* 2 teaspoons pure vanilla extract
* 3 cups cubed Italian bread, allow to stale overnight in a bowl(i had been collecting stale bread for about a week,including wheat,white, hamburger buns, and homemade french. the variety adds to the flavor and texture in my opinion.)
* 1 cup packed light brown sugar
* 1/4 cup (1/2 stick) butter, softened
* 1 cup chopped pecans(i didnt have any, so i just left them out. i dont care for nuts in baked goods anyway, so for me, nothing was lost by omitting them)

For the sauce:

* 1 cup granulated sugar
* 1/2 cup (1 stick) butter, melted
* 1 egg, beaten
* 2 teaspoons pure vanilla extract
* 1/4 cup brandy(i only have jack daniels, so thats what i used. it was really good, but i think i got a little buzz off of it. it was strong-i dont think the recipe allows for enough of the alcohol to cook off. next time i will omit it all together or let it simmer for a bit.)

Directions

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Grease a 13 by 9 by 2-inch pan.

Mix together granulated sugar, eggs, and milk in a bowl; add vanilla. Pour over cubed bread and let sit for 10 minutes.

In another bowl, mix and crumble together brown sugar, butter, and pecans.

Pour bread mixture into prepared pan. Sprinkle brown sugar mixture over the top and bake for 35 to 45 minutes, or until set. Remove from oven.

For the sauce:

Mix together the granulated sugar, butter, egg, and vanilla in a saucepan over medium heat. Stir together until the sugar is melted. Add the brandy, stirring well. Pour over bread pudding. Serve warm or cold.

stood up?

wondering if i am going to be stood up for the first time ever. he is not late-yet, but he never called me yesterday as he said he would. either there will be another post within a few minutes or you will be getting all the details tomorrow. at this point, i feel somewhat ambivalent.

crocs

i love that i am getting croc ads here. i love crocs-they are this generations ugly, but comfortable shoe. i have a few pair and they are the best-i want to try their fancier shoes-like the 4 inch heels. i cant even imagine being comfortable in heels that high. i wore my 3 inch heels to church last week, ended up being on my feet way more than normal and i paid for it. i used to wear high heels every day, working a job that i was literally on my feet the whole time and it never bothered me. now? not so much.

what was i smoking?

this song was playing in my head this morning. i havent heard it in forever and i never saw the movie-if the video is any representation of the movie, i dont think i missed much. the only connection i can think of, and its a weak one, is that olivia newton john was on the glee rerun this week.

are you ready to rummmmmmmble?

tomorrow is the first date since i have signed up for the dating site.

open mind open mind open mind open mind open mind open mind

smc cooks leftover pizza

i had some of the pioneer woman pizza dough left in the freezer and i was in the mood for a pizza, but i had no sauce. its easy enough to make, but i really didnt feel like dealing.

i had mozzarella, but nothing else to go with it as a topping on the pizza. then i remembered pw's bbq pizza recipe . i have heard people rave about bbq chicken pizza and it definitely sounds good, but i have never tried it. not sure why. one of the great smc mysteries that will never be solved because now that i have tried it, i will definitely be making it again and again.

i had just made bbq chicken the day before, so i had enough to make the pizza, plus 1/2 a red(why do they call them "red" onions when they are so clearly purple?)onion that i was hoping to use instead of throwing it away like i usually do after it sits there all lonely and sad with no purpose and gets all gross. i didnt have the cilantro, but it was delicious without it. since i was working the leftovers, i will give you basic instructions on what i did without the measurements. click on the links above for the real thing.

i took the leftover dough from the freezer that morning and set in on the counter to thaw. come lunch time i lightly oiled a cookie sheet with olive oil and sprinkled with a little corn meal. i patted the dough between my hands a bit and then started stretching it out.

once i had a small disk,i put it on the cookie sheet and just pulled and pushed until it was the thickness i wanted.

next i poured a little bbq sauce on the dough and spread it out with the back of a spoon. i didnt use too much-you could still see the dough peeking through here and there. then i cut up the chicken into bite size pieces, sliced the red onion super thin and arranged on the dough. i sprinkled the mozzarella cheese on top and put it in the oven at 425 for about 12 minutes until the cheese was melted. it was a small pizza, but i only ate half. i took the leftovers to a friend and she pronounced it incredible. she said the crust had a really good flavor and i completely agreed with her. yummy.

this pizza made me so happy-not only because it was sooooo good,but because i used stuff that was sitting in my fridge that might have gone to waste. its a good thing!

sorry no picture(again). its my goal to start taking food shots, but i am working with a lame-o camera phone and the shots are horrible. what do you think-see what i made even in a bad picture or just skip it if it cant be a quality picture?

tickles my fancy

i originally picked these videos as one of my "30 days of me" tickles my fancy entries. i forgot about it, but when i was rummaging through my drafts, i decided to put it out there anyway. from the moment i heard rick astley, i was in love with him and the metal chick in me did not even care that he was a major preppie. he is adorable! i love how he dances-hes not really all that good,but he is confident in his moves.







michael jackson has never been on my top 10 list, but i like this song-maybe the only video that would make me believe that mj is straight. it was really popular when msof and i got engaged the summer of 88 and i heard it a lot so it is in the small file of happy memories regarding my relationship with him.

i really need this book.

i read a few pages on amazon and it looks like it has some sound advice. chapters like "follow your heart without losing your mind", "say what you mean and mean what you say", and "healthy people make healthy choices". john gray who wrote "men are from mars, women are from venus" says its the book to get if you are tired of dating(hello!)and want to find "the one". i dont buy books anymore since i have no storage space and there is a perfectly good library to borrow them from. except my library doesnt have this book. i might just have to suck it up and go buy it. has anyone read it? would you recommend it?

the common denominator

me. its me. my best friends insist that its not and i want to believe them. they really know me. the good and the bad, but when it all boils down, the only thing that remains is me. is there something in me that chooses these men? they all seem to be very, very different, but the end result is the same. gbf insists that the world is full of assholes and finding a good person who is not certifiably insane is like finding the proverbial needle in the haystack.

there is some stuff going on in my life right now that is really rocking my world. its dragging up old hurts and feelings that i thought i had long resolved. its uncomfortable and i hate it. its ugly to me because it shows me the stuff i need to work on and resolve and its not fun.

a lot of things are changing and changing fast. all of it has a positive side. there is a silver lining and possibilities ahead, but. but.BUT...its all happening in a way that i am so uncomfortable with. i feel so out of my element and out of control of it. plus, there is the possibility that it will all be another disaster. did that sound negative?

its like i am being acted upon instead of acting, but whatever action i take is either complete useless and ineffective or just plain wrong.

i know that the 4.7 people who regularly read this post already know i am not perfect. i dont pretend to be perfect, but dont we all want to put our best foot forward? talking about all this stuff makes me feel like a total loser.

the common denominator is me. what am i doing wrong and what do i need to change
to create the life i want? i am not talking perfection here, just some more fun stuff. i really could use a vacation.

i realize(dont we all?)that life brings hard times. trails and tribulations happen to us all and while i would never deny the blessings in my life, i feel like i just recover from the latest trial, i am dusting myself off and facing the world again, and i get knocked down again. does everyone feel that way? it seems like i used to get a break, you know, coast for a little bit. sure, there are the everyday little trials. flat tire, fight with your brother, minor financial set back, but you get a rest from the big stuff for just a little bit.

you know those people who seem to have a black cloud over their head-where everything they touch turns to sh-(not gold) and you think they have to be doing something wrong. something just has to be up with them that all this crap is happening? thats me right now. i have to be doing something wrong. trying to figure it out so i can stop immediately. i feel horrible even saying that. i worry that i appear to be full of self pity-i dont think i am(i count my blessings everyday. there are a lot of them), but a lot has happened. big and bad stuff. lots of it. i look around and i wonder if its about the same as everyone else. not that you can compare trials, but dont we kind of compare how much we deal with? maybe its just me.

cool mormon or just another nerd?

throughout my life, many of my non member friends called me a "cool mormon". i was able to walk that fine line of keeping the standards the church endorses and not being judgmental or exclusionary. my friends respected me, keeping the cursing to a minimum and running interference for me if anyone offered me an alcoholic beverage or a joint when i attended one of "those kind" of parties with them.

i guess i thought that would continue and in some aspects it has. i find more of the judgment comes from members than non. my non member friends still respect me and my choices not to drink or smoke(no one smokes pot anymore, but a few cigarette smokers)and keep the rated r movies to a minimum.

i have been thinking a lot about mr jack mormon and mr ex man. i have written a lot about mr jack mormon and how he debated the archaic nature of the law of chastity and how silly i was for sticking to it. not to mention his ice tea consumption and the occasional beer while watching football. me? not judging. him? JUDGING.
i really never got into mr ex man losing his faith. he told me one day he was leaving the church. this totally freaked me out(of course), but we all have varying crises' of faith and despite that i knew he was serious, i had faith that his testimony(it seemed like a pretty strong one when he bore it to me)would persevere. i dont know exactly what he is doing now, but the last information i got was that he stopped paying tithing, going to church, and was considering taking up drinking. he told me he would never marry because he doesnt think the government or the church should have that influence in his life. when i tried to give my(respectful)opposing view point, he mocked me. i am too old fashioned. judged. again.
i just dont get it. even when he was telling me things that were completely contradictory to what our relationship was built on, i respected him. listened politely. i believed him and what he was saying, but when i told him the things that were important to me,there was nothing but disrespect and contempt. sometimes there was even anger.
would it be too much to ask to agree to disagree and leave each other without all the exit damage?
there really wasnt exit damage with mr jack mormon. there was no real investment, so...no gain, no pain.
all of this is water under the bridge, but i have been thinking about it, trying to sort it out. to my non member friends, i am still cool, but to these guys i am just another nerd.
its a blue day for sure. sorry to be a drag, but its whats on my mind.

cheesecake perfection

i know PERFECT is a bold statement, but i am confident you would agree. i KNOW this because i am supremely critical of myself(hello womanhood)and particularly my cooking. i NEVER serve anything unless i have made it at least once(my trial run)and seen for myself that i can make it well and that it is delicious.
my cheesecake debacle with the smitten kitchen recipe still stings, but the pain is somewhat alleviated with my recent success.
not that this success is new. like i mentioned before, i have been making cheesecakes for years and the following recipe is sort of a compilation of the different recipes(not including the smitten kitchen one)i have tried over the years.
the basics never change: cream cheese, eggs, sugar, and some sort of flavoring like vanilla. mine has a few subtle twists, let me know if you try it and if you like it or not.

preheat the oven to 325

graham cracker crust
--------------------
1 1/2 sleeves of graham crackers
1/3 cup melted butter
1/3 cup sugar

use a food processor to grind up the graham crackers. add melted butter and sugar and pulse a few more times. if you dont have a food processor, you can put the crackers in a zip lock bag and use a rolling pin or mallet to pound them into oblivion.
press crumb mixture into the bottom and up the sides of a greased spring form pan. there have been times when i didnt have a spring form pan and i used a 9 inch round cake pan. its still good, but you will have some batter(and crumbs for that matter) left over.
place the pan in the freezer while making the batter.

cheesecake
----------
3-8 oz packages of cream cheese, softened
1 pint heavy cream
1 vanilla bean-optional
2 tsp vanilla extract
zest of one lemon or 1 tsp lemon extract
3 eggs

the vanilla bean is optional, but if you have one and want to use it, it really adds a dimension of flavor. what i did was pour the cream into a bowl, then split the vanilla bean,scrape the seeds, and stir them into the cream. submerge the bean as well and allow to steep while the cream cheese is softening and while you mix the batter together.

place cream cheese in mixer bowl and beat on low speed for 2 minutes or so. add one egg at a time, mixing well after each one. if you want a denser, ny style cheesecake, keep the mixer speed on slow and allow to mix for a while. scrape down the sides of the bowl as you go. you really want to work out any lumps and have as smooth as a batter as possible. if you use a whisk attachment and/or mix at high speed it incorporates a lot of air and you will lose some of that denseness. some people like a lighter texture, but i prefer the dense.

retrieve the bean pods from the cream and discard. stir the cream to incorporate all those little seeds, then slowly add the cream to the batter. if your mixer is going too fast it WILL splatter, so be careful. again, scrape down the sides of the bowl.

add lemon zest(or extract.thats what i used this time.)and vanilla extract. beat on slow for a minute or so. scrape down the sides again to check for any lumps. if you discover any, mix for another minute.

take the graham cracker crust from the freezer and place on a piece of tin foil just big enough to pull up around the sides of the pan. it doesnt have to come all the way to the top. pour the batter into the prepared graham cracker crust. use a rubber spatula to smooth out the top.

place a rimmed cookie sheet in the oven place the cheesecake on the cookie pan then pour enough water into the pan to come up a little more than half way to the rim of the cookie sheet. the tin foil wrapped around the bottom of the spring form pan acts as an extra security so no water will leak in. this whole process is called a water bath and helps keep the cheesecake from cracking.

in my oven, it usually takes an hour to an hour and a half to bake, but i check on it after 45 minutes. you will know when its done by the light golden brown color. there might even be a few bubbles on top. that is normal. i got 1 or 2 small cracks, but no big deal at all. you might notice that it jiggles a little as you remove it from the oven. dont panic. that doesnt mean that it isnt done. once out of the oven, the cake settles a little bit. cool it completely, then put it in the fridge. i usually like to make it the night before so it is thoroughly chilled, but if you chill it for an hour or 2, it will be delicious.

no call for you

life with the mormon dating site is...WEIRD. i have been here before, done all of the "smiles" and "sparks" and the get to know you im's. why is it still so weird? maybe i am creating the weirdness because i am not embracing this process, but rather enduring it. a means to a possible end. what end? COME ON! you know what end. finding a good guy and getting married. a worthy goal, no? why does it feel so forced and unnatural?

i havent been spending too much time on the site, but i have gotten a few "hits" of interest. i have had im conversations with several guys, boys, men(it varied)and because of my past experiences, i feel on guard and not very much like myself. still, these guys, boys, men seemed interested and we had some nice conversations. except one.

i got an email from dusty4535 that contained one sentence: "would you like to chat?" i assumed he mean instant message, so replied back "sure". i then received an email with only his phone number. i know there might be a couple of ways of looking at this, but i went old school. "he expects ME to call HIM, when we havent even instant messaged?" his profile had very little to go on, so it seemed the equivalent of a questionable blind date. i know it seems that i am being hyper senstive, but with my history with the men(mr jack mormon,mr nice guy,&mr ex man)on lds dating sites, i think i have earned the right to be cautious.

i emailed him back letting him know(happy emoticons all over the place to let him know that i wasnt mad or being snobby)that i like to im 2-3 times before a phone conversation. the next time i was on, he im'd me right away, but within two seconds asked me to call him. i (less sweetly this time, but still not being bitchy)reminded him that we just started im'ing. then he got pretty pissy. saying that he could tell if a woman is crazy(i think he actually used the term 'mental problems')by the way she talks and he didnt want to waste time.

i stood firm despite him asking me at least 2 more times to call him. he explained that he wasnt an ugly(he didnt have a picture posted, so i couldnt verify this one way or another), desperate for dates, so he couldnt understand my hesitation. i didnt feel like going into my own checklist of how i figure out who the "crazies" are and within a few minutes he unceremoniously left our chat.

am i too old fashioned? shouldnt he ask for my number after 1 or 2 chats and then call me at a decent hour and we will talk for a while and get to know one another?

maybe i have it all wrong, but if i do, i just dont think i can play by these new rules.

time to reconsider

maybe i just need to be single for the rest of my life. i dont always think this way, but now that i am on the dating site and the hilarity that is ensuing there...its just a mess. are my expectations too high? am i as weird as i think they are?

i got an email from a man who took each and every single point that i wrote on my profile and commented or questioned each item. kind of sarcastic and seemed to be challenging a lot of what i said, that was clearly meant to be tongue in cheek.i dont even want to write him back. it seems like to much to deal with.

instead of fun, romantic hi-jinx, its exhausting work. i keep trying to remember all the points from "marry him!" and its not too difficult since its turning out to basically be a book of prophecy. just about everything she wrote is coming true in my own experience.

i find that i dont have the nerves for this anymore. everything seems raw and i am on edge. kind of waiting for the sucker punch.

i wish i had more fun things to report. i did chat with one man 2 times. kind of funny, but odd. he was super flirty, but then seemed to have lost interest for no reason(that i can think of). i mean there was no dispute in our conversation or anything of a sensational nature.

i am such a whiney cry baby today.

where the hell have i been?

i dont know if i have ever gone a week without posting. not much has been going on, but it seems like so much and its wearing me out!

mr great white north is back to being a consistent presence and he is making plans to come and see me. WHATEVER. i told him to make the definite plans and get back to me. turns out he was in my town a few months back and didnt even call me. yes. thats right. why am i even considering seeing him? 1. i am bored. 2. if he actually follows through, it will be a miracle, so there is very little risk involved.

none of you know me, yet i am concerned about your judgment on this topic. i am aware that it looks idiotic. i would advise anyone who had told me this story to tell him to JUMP OFF A CLIFF. i dont think he is THE ONE, but if he actually does make it back here, whats the harm in a date?

mr jack mormon has been texting me. i have pretty much ignored him, but recently i told him that i wasnt intentionally ignoring him(true)that i just wasnt around when he sent the messages.

which leads me to my next item of business. i have been on a a flirt fest. i was going to say i was acting all slutty, but i guess thats not really factual. i am usually monogamous, even in my flirting, but not now. oh no. i am currently flirting like crazy with 4 guys. or is it 5? lets just say 4. makes me feel a little less slutty. i am not a tease. i dont flirt by telling a guy all the wild sexual things i will do to him, then cry chastity and not follow through. i flirt with the basics, like smiles, and laughing at his jokes or playfully slap his arm. most of this has been via modern technology, so...i have been flirting with words. no web cam or anything like that. my words have been super flirty, but not crossing the line. toeing the line, but not crossing it.

so why is it bugging me? is it because i am breaking with my normal monogamy? i have no formal agreement with anyone. no dtr's in my recent past. doubt there are any in my near future either. maybe i am just being a sissy.

officially on a dating site. its been kind of slow, but picking up. both mr ex man and mr jack mormon have looked at my profile. i made a snide remark to mr jack mormon, but said nothing to mr ex man.

no dates yet, but definitely some interest. i will see how it goes. for at least 6 months since i took advantage of the super summer sale.

is that as pathetic as it sounds?

looks that kill

i am told that i have them. like i could kill you with a glance. its not intentional, but i have heard it often enough that there must be some truth to it. msof was the most vocally opposed to my "evil eyes". since i really didnt know what he was talking about(i dont give evil or mean looks on purpose)i asked him to explain. he said that i looked at him like everything he did was wrong and i was judging him for it. pretty heavy stuff.
a man in my ward(a friend, married)was joking with me and he told me that he would do whatever i told him to do just to avoid "the look".
"THE LOOK"? i really dont know how to manage it if i dont even know when i am doing it, but i need to figure something out.
maybe its how i am scaring all the cute boys away.
just thinking out loud.

day 27

27. your month in detail.

blah. nothing horrible. nothing exciting. summer is not my favorite time of the year and it takes a lot of energy to beat the heat.

dealing with family illness-everything is okay now.

talking with mr great white north. he is nice, but it will probably end as it usually does. why did i answer the phone? a harmless distraction. he likes me and thinks i am cute.

my car needs washing in the worst way, but i am like the rain maker when i do that. we could be in the worst drought ever and i would break it by going to get my car washed.

i still need a pedicure. right now i am just doing damage control type maitenence.

i am getting really worn out from my calling, but i love it. being in the "loop" can really suck sometimes. people are really crazy.

i still believe in love and it has nothing to do with huey lewis.

going to hell

seriously. i managed to wax one leg and dropped no less than 4 f-bombs in the process. if you dont see me post for a while, its because i am busy repenting for the vanity that led me to such a heinous transgression.

day 26

26. my week in great deal. that just might be 7 times the boredom. some random stuff from this week:

i actually talked to mr great white north.

i went to relief society and learned to make homemade laundry soap

i accidentally ignored 3 texts from mr jack mormon. he got the unintentional hint.

the weather is really out of control where i live and i am really tired of it.

the singles ward

i think its the same guy that i declared my love for a few weeks ago over at the singles ward. his post today was so well written and thoughtful and smart and insightful. am i gushing?

day 25

25. my day in great detail. sigh. kind of boring. i dont even know if i want to talk about it.

should we change?

how much should we change to please or accommodate the one we love or the one we are trying to "catch"? sandy totally vamped herself out to keep danny and danny went preppy for her, but underneath it all, they were still the same. danny was still all dressed in black under the letterman sweater and poor sandy didnt know what to do with that damn cigarette. she was a good girl at her core and he was a bad boy with a d.a.
i never changed to "get" a guy, but there are times i wonder if i should have. it might be easier to slut out a little than lose your man because you are too "uptight".

tgws and i broke up because i wouldnt have sex(i need to write a whole post on that drama)and i wouldnt stop telling him to quit doing drugs. on his 21st birthday, while getting drunk with his buddies, he met a girl at the bar who would do both with him. i do not regret sticking with my convictions on this one, but for my young mind(for a short time)i thought it was my fault. if i was cooler and more willing to experiment with drugs and actually have sex with him, we would have made it. i know, CRAZY thinking.
every relationship has to be negotiated and we all have to sacrifice a little to get the ultimate reward of a good relationship. what can go? church activity? minor word of wisdom issues?
just been thinking about this stuff lately. for those of you who feel they are in good relationships-did you have to change? what sacrifices did you make and were they worth it?