gifts

what would you do if an ex gave you a very expensive gift? mr nice guy gave me a very thoughtful, very needed gift for Christmas. my knee jerk reaction is send it back, but he insisted that i keep it. i dont think i have been in this situation since jr high when my 8th grade boyfriend tried to give me a "diamond" necklace. i knew it cost about 50 bucks because i had seen it at the store. a 50 dollar gift when you are in 8th grade(in 1982, no less)is huge. my parents made me return it. i dont feel a particular obligation to return mr nice guys gift, but considering my recent revelation that i am still in love with dick(of tom dick and harry), it seems weird.

good night nurse!

i need a nurse. pretty sick right now and i need to rebound to health asap! i hate being sick, but you all have heard me whine about that before, so i will abstain from doing it here on this post. in the past 2 days, mr ex man, mr nice guy, and mr random guy(dont think i ever mentioned him here) have contacted me. i wont talk to mr ex man. mr nice guy told me he was still madly in love with me, and mr random guy is moving forward at an incredibly slow pace that i hope he never tries to accelerate. i want dick(why did i come up with the whole tom dick and harry thing?). i am so embarrassed to admit it(not sure why), but i am frozen with fear and i am unable to contact him. do men get frozen with fear and choose to chicken out and not call when all they want to do is call the girl and get back together? i have reason to believe that he might be frozen with fear, but do i want to be the girl who does that work? am i living in a chick flick fantasy land where the man shows up on my doorstep in the rain and declares his love and tells me how he cannot live without me? probably. i am usually more sensible, but pining for a man for a year is new territory for me. any ideas? tips? advice?

Christmas granola

ok-so its really not "Christmas granola" per se. i just took the basic granola recipe i make every few weeks and threw in some dried cranberries and m&m's(green and red, of course)to add some holiday flair. 4 cups rolled oats 2 cups rice krispies 2 tsps cinnamon 1/2 cup honey 1 cup brown sugar 2/3 cup butter 1/2-3/4 12 oz bag of m&m's 1/2 6oz bag of dried cranberries nuts mix oats, cereal, and cinnamon together. heat honey, brown sugar and butter. stir until melted. pour over the oat mixture. spread on rimmed cookie sheet. bake at 250 for 10 minutes. stir, bake for another 10, stir and bake for a final 10 minutes. cool, the add candy, fruit, and nuts. stir. i added the better part of the bag of m&m's because i wanted the green and red to show through the cute glass jars i was giving it in. the cranberries add a little tart to balance the sweetness of this recipe combined with the m&m's(which i dont normally add to my every day granola) i left of the nuts.i dont care for them, but if you are a nutty type person, i would recommend slivered almonds or pecans. its a really good granola recipe on its own. i have it with yogurt in the summer and heat it with milk in the winter. makes a very yummy warm breakfast.

i am just wondering

there have been a handful of people on my facebook friends list that have had the dtr, are dating exclusively, engaged, or married. all of the women have updated their profile to reflect the new relationship status. with the exception of 1, NONE of the men have. could someone explain this to me?

more memories

a year ago dick told me he loved me. i had seen it coming for a while and at first i dreaded it. i didnt feel the same. i could tell that he liked me way more than i liked him, but 2-3 weeks before he actually told me, my feelings started to change. by time i knew that he was going to tell me that day, i knew i was in love with him and couldnt wait for him to declare it because i knew i could say it back without reservation. what changed my mind(heart)? a million things he didnt even know he was doing, but it all added up to l-o-v-e. i was hoping he was remembering this day as well and would reach out, but he didnt. can a person be sad, but not in emotional pain?

sometimes no news is good news...

but sometimes its just no news. i have very little to offer in the way of anything new and interesting. nothing planned for the holidays-thanksgiving is usually my favorite. i love to do all the cooking and hanging out with family and friends. this year, due to strange(but not bad)circumstances. there will be no thanksgiving for me. i am surprisingly ok with it. no boy news to report. i have zero desire to date right now. mr nice guy continues to call with appropriate(for 'friends')frequency. i know he loves me, but i dont feel the same. i truly want the best for him, but he seems incapable of making necessary changes to grow up and move on with his life. so sad to see a grown man so controlled by his mother. i keep thinking about dick(as in the tom, dick, and harry of last year)and really wishing i knew what really happened. women always want to know. they want the details in as vivid color as you can give them. even if its painful. this is a new place for me because the thoughts of him are not mournful or painful in any way, but it has affected my desire and willingness to "get out there". i am just not interested at all. which leads to another issue-my new calling involves some association with the churchs single adult program. when i was asked to do it, i literally laughed because i am famous for my disdain for the whole thing. i have been pleasantly surprised at how some of this has worked out. which is nice since all other experiences with the program have been epic failures. i hope you all have a wonderful thanksgiving. :)

a memory

its a full moon tonight. i am usually pretty lazy about noticing those things, but it caught my attention today and brought a year old memory rushing back into my mind. about a year ago, dick was courting me and doing a mighty fine job of it if i remember correctly. he was out of town on business and we were at a point where our calls were no longer random, maybe i will pick up, maybe i wont type things. we were talking with increasing frequency and while i was still trying to keep him at arms length, i was liked talking to him more and more and looked forward to his calls. almost exactly a year ago he asked me on a moon date(it sounds so cheesy and coming from anyone else i would have dismissed it as such). i wasnt aware it was going to be a full moon and had no idea what he meant. he informed me of the full moon and since we couldnt be together, could he call and we could talk and enjoy the moon together? i can hear all of you groaning and i sense you rolling your eyes, but i am telling you....I LOVED IT and even though i just said something like "sure", i was quietly ecstatic about the simple romance of it all. i bundled up and when he called i went in the back yard to sit on the swing and looked up at the gorgeous moon sitting in the black sky while the realization that i was falling in love with him solidified in my mind and my heart. 2 weeks later he told me he was in love with me and without hesitation, i told him i loved him too.

single mormon girls in their family wards

i have the best ward. i know a lot of people say that, but i really do. when i moved into it a few years ago, i was the classic, fly under the radar, member and I LIKED IT THAT WAY. then the ward split and someone got the crazy idea to call me into a leadership position. crazy, i know. soon EVERYONE knew me. i was on the radar so to speak. it was a slow sort of evolution, but it dawned on me a little while back...i am one of those people in the ward that everyone knows. i am fairly well liked and i have to say the whole experience is odd to me. its not bad. just odd. here i am rambling again(youve missed it havent you?), but i am getting around to the point. really i am. being single in a family ward can be tricky. you always have to be on your guard to make sure you are not appearing to flirt or pay too much attention to the married men in the ward. in my calling i have to interact with leadership. in our church, that is mainly men(duh)and i have only had one problem with one sister who absolutely refused to give a message regarding a stake assignment to her husband who was out of town. it was the most bizarre thing. i think i am going to have to write a post on that experience itself. anyway, to continue rambling....a girl has to be careful. seriously avoid the appearance of evil. a few weeks ago i had two things happen that pleasantly surprised me. the first is that i walked into the chapel and saw an elderly brother that i know fairly well, so i walked right up, shook his hand(like i usually do)and he said "you sure are looking beautiful on this sunday morning." with a big smile on his face. he said it with such sweet sincerity that i didnt feel the tiniest bit uncomfortable. i just thanked him and sat down in my usual pew. its been a while since i have had such a genuine a sweet compliment from someone(a man) who wanted nothing in return. it made me happy. then during sunday school i was sitting in the same row with the 1st counselors wife(who was my visiting teacher years ago)with an empty seat between us. he came in late, sat down, put his arm around me and gave me a little hug. he has never done that before, but i felt completely comfortable. i also knew that his wife would think nothing of it. why did these two events make me happy? maybe its just another level of acceptance. i am not sure. if you are single in a married ward-how do you feel about it? if you are married-how do you perceive the single adults in your ward?

the new do. maybe. tell me what you think.

i would love opinions from both men and women. what do you think of this cut? does is look "dyke-ish"? i am thinking its sophisticated and sexy. ultimately i think i will grow it out again, but i just need a fresh start and i am hoping my hair will snap out of its yuckiness. just for the record-my hair is about this color and probably about this texture. mine my be a little finer, but with good product, i think i can pull it off without too much problem. honest opinions please.

damn mirror

i am not loving what i see. i need a haircut. something drastic. my hair is pretty long-well past my shoulders-but it is not really doing anything i want it to do. i have been thinking of cutting about 10 inches off, which would put it right above my shoulders(found a cute cut that i am pretty sure will look good on me). i am embarrassed to admit that i worry that not having long hair will compromise how attractive i might appear to certain men. men like long hair, right? i think i might be tainted because of msof. he would get angry if i even trimmed my hair. he wanted it long, long, long and he did not care if it was unhealthy looking. anything above the shoulders was a "dyke-do". i know a few men who say they dont care about hair length, but those guys are married to women with short hair. i dont know if i have ever heard a man say that he liked or preferred short hair. so guys-what do you say? long or short? do you care?

well?

mr new guy and i have definitely hit the friend zone. its fine with me. i really dont think i could ever get over the disney crocs. like most women, i really enjoy dressing the man i love, but making over a man who wears disney themed crocs is just too much for any woman. when i met tgws, he still wore corduroy bell bottoms. I AM NOT KIDDING. i thought he was lying when he said they were still in fashion where he came from, but then he showed me his most recent yearbook. sure enough THEY WERE ALL WEARING CORDUROY BELL BOTTOMS. in 1983. seriously. oh yeah, i forgot the velor shirts. so we went shopping and he started dressing like a respectable 80's teenager: levi's 501's and polo shirts. it was revolutionary. msof did ok, but i did some fine tuning. and though i think i would be up to the challenge of making over mr new guy....i just dont wanna put in the effort. not that he would let me. he is definitely the kind of guy who would dig his heels in and refuse to change just because he thought someone wanted him to. who needs that? i havent heard from mr nice guy since we talked a few days ago. he is madly in love with me, wants to be with me, broke up with a girl because he didnt love her like he loves me....yet...YET he will change nothing. i am not surprised and i dont even care because the truth is, i am still in love with dick.

not sure what to say...

besides mr nice guy telling me he was still in love with me...(not just love MADLY in love), there is really nothing going on. i have recently come back to some of the sewing and crafting that i used to love so much. my creativity comes in spurts and i try to take advantage of it. as far as men, i am kind of fed up. single men in the church are a hot mess and i just dont feel like dealing with it. no more dances, socials, or firesides. i just dont wanna do it. sure, if i know of some amazing speaker at a fireside, i will go, but i am completely doing away with my new years resolution to become more involved. i am benched. benching myself and i dont even care. i would chalk it up to the weather, maybe some early onset S.A.D.D, but fall is my favorite time of year. i think its just the circumstances and my general failure in the relationship area. this isnt depression-its resolution.

man oh man

you know my new friend? mr nice guy? yeah, thats him. he told me today that he is still in love with me. WHAT THE HELL DO I DO WITH THAT?!

stranger in a strange land

although leaning toward the dramatic, i think its an interesting commentary-especially now that i have spent the better part of a year participating in more single adult activities that i ever have before. the women who get the majority of the attention at these things are literally the exact opposite of me. i am a stranger in a strange land and i am taking the next space ship i can find outta here.

choose

woman a:
long blonde(bottle)hair
tan(skin showing the sun damage looks older than her real age)
lots of makeup
6+ kids
petite(short and tiny)
divorced 3+


woman b:
brunette
fair skin, looks younger than her age
wears natural looking make up
divorced 1x
no kids

think jessica simpson, but older and lucy lawless(xena, warrior princess). i am trying to paint a picture and i feel like i am failing miserably.
this is not about competing. i understand that we all have our "things" that we are attracted to.



but i am just wondering why xena(these are not literal comparisons) gets no attention and jessica gets it all?

mr new guy, the king of mixed signals

(a post i wrote weeks ago, but never published. thought it might be interesting considering the "croc incident".) mr new guy has given me many subtle and not so subtle indicators that he is interested in me. when in a small group, he often mentions how he is not dating right now. the single scene is too crazy. or so he says.
i do not chase nor compete. when he figures it out he can call me. in the meantime, i enjoy his company when i am around him and enjoy semi regular facebook and email correspondence with him.
today it all came crashing down. he emailed me asking me about another woman. what the heck? we emailed back and forth as i told him what little i knew about her. then there was something that seemed to me that needed to be conveyed over the phone so i gave him my number and asked him to call. he called in 2.7 seconds. we spoke for 2 hrs, 5 minutes of which was devoted to discussing the other woman.
i really enjoyed our conversation. he is interesting and fun. irreverent in such a way that i truly appreciate, but a few things stand out:
he asked very little about me. i am not even talking about dating behavior, i am just talking about good conversation skills. his saving grace is that he is entertaining as hell.
i have been reading "he's just not that into you" again and this just screams that he is not that into me, but it bugs me that he asked me about this other woman. i like her. she is super cool and i told him so. i just wanted him to like me. then again, do i? i dont know all that much about him and he could be a complete train wreck. i think its time for some self introspection and get over this need to have him like me especially since i dont know how interested i would be in him.
maybe i am the one delivering the mixed signals.

the set up and the spark

soooooooo.....i went out with a dear friend yesterday. i love her and she literally lives 5 minutes away from me, but we only get together about 3 times a year to do lunch and have a gab(gossip) fest.
the last time we met, she was telling me about her neighbor that just moved in-super nice, funny, and TALL. he asked her if she knew any nice women that she would set him up with. she laughed and told him yes, but they are all lds. him, being a non member, shrugged his shoulders and said "what can you do?"
my interest was sparked because she never brings men up to me at all. if she likes this guy and thinks he is quality-then he must be a great guy. she lives next door, so i am sure she would have seen some red flags by now, right?
at the time, i didnt think much of it. she dismissed him as a non member and i was only one of a handful of girls that she would consider introducing him to.
today at lunch she says to me "i have got to set you up with my neighbor-he is fantastic!"
she explained that she thought he would be open to investigating the church and that he was a really good guy who had a great sense of humor.
as previously stated, i would normally shoot this kind of thing down right away, but i think i shocked her a little bit when i told her to go for it.
who knows if she will, but i put it "out there" that i am open to it.
funny how i was talking about there are few people i would trust to set me up, but she is definitely one of them.

deal breaker? am i a complete snob?

no. i know i am not. anyone who saw me typing up this post in my ratty work out track pants with the old t-shirt with bleach stains on the sleeve, would agree. do i wear this get up out? no, i do not. it is strictly reserved for house cleaning and sporadic workouts. how do you feel about crocs? i personally love them. i think it is the most recent incarnation of the ugly, but comfortable and "healthy" for your foot shoe. i have a few pair, but again, i dont wear them OUT. have you noticed i havent really mentioned mr new guy? i was kind of ashamed to say why. i met him for dinner(it was a small group of us) and he was wearing crocs. black ones. disney style. the croc holes were in the shape of mickey's head. the original color was black with a red strap, but they were incredibly faded. i immediately stopped seeing him as any sort of potential romantic possibility. is that wrong?

trickery

i tricked mr ex man and i think i have gotten him out of my life for good. part of the reason i was asking about temptation was because mr ex man was trying to tempt me with all kinds of unrighteous, carnal type things. there was a time that this might have been a temptation for me because i was soooooo in looooooooooove with him. i like to think that i would ultimately resist, but it would have been a temptation nonetheless. now there is zero temptation with mr ex man. i mean none. its kind of weird and i know he did not like it, but those are the breaks. oh yeah. the trick. soooooooo. it was kind of accidental on my part, but it worked and that is all that counts. mr ex man has always insisted he could never let me go entirely. i used to think this was so romantic and interpreted to mean that he was so madly in love with me that he would make the necessary changes to make our relationship work. never happened, but he refused to just go away. the trick was he got mad at me and said he would never see me again. i jumped on it and said so sweetly, "mr ex man, we did it! we agreed to never see each other again. yeah for us!" i hung up and when he started calling over the next few days, i just ignored him. ignored the texts. its been quiet for a while now. i think its sticking!!! yeah for us. yeah for me. it feels good to be done. truly. sigh. :)

temptation

what tempts you and how do you resist? is it food? sex? money?

am i being punked?

i went to a dance. i hope your food storage and 72 hr kits are in order because this certainly is a sign of the apocalypse. i dance with one man who was seriously old enough to be my father. not kidding. not exaggerating. i turned down one man who was probably 6 inches shorter than me. the music was pretty good and some friends were there, so while i hung out, there were friendly faces and some good conversation. not to mention the snacks-yummy food was abundant. i spoke with a few people by the dj stand and then realizing i needed a break, i stepped out into the foyer and there were a few people sitting there chatting, including one man that i had met a few weeks before. SIDE NOTE: i have put off writing this post because i could not figure out a pc way to describe this man. i havent figured out how to do it, so i am just going to say it straight. i think this man was in a horrible accident. he has obvious physical disabilities(that he valiantly works around)and i am fairly certain he probably had a traumatic head injury. there is some obvious disconnect. social filters were missing. anyway, i came out into the foyer and along with this man, there were 2 other people i had met that night and we chatted pleasantly. the man started coughing really bad and when it subsided, i asked "are you ok?" he replied he was fine, that it was just a lagging cough from a cold he had a few weeks back. he then proceeded to wipe his mouth, pulled his hand away with a fist full of phlegm and leaned over to scrape his hand against the edge of the waste basket. in front of us all. he never excused himself or went to the mens room to wash his hands. i swear. hand to heaven.

crazy busy, but getting very little done. i hate it, but its the story of my life. i have made changes over the past few years that have cut my procrastination tendencies by about 1/3. truly a miracle. now i need to work better at scheduling so i dont have a weekend like i am going to have this weekend. i think it will be mostly fun, but sad too. my niece is going away to college and there are 2 family gatherings for that. a big favor for a friend, some shopping, and an actual single adult activity.considering everything else, i would have bailed on the activity, but i was part of the planning committee and have some obligations there. oh yeah-an impromptu birthday lunch for another friend. its going to be busy and hopefully productive. when its all over, i have to schedule september within an inch of its life or else i will loose track of everything and be in big, fat trouble. i would like to schedule some dates, but at this point, i dont see that happening. well maybe, but its not with anyone i am really interested in. is it ok to go out with someone just for fun? taking into consideration the over 40 desperation to get married and he likes me way more that i like him. i have been honest, but,,,,

turn off?

are funny, smart ass girls a turn off? are men intimated by girls that can make them laugh because they like to be the comedians?
i love funny men. making me laugh is a big deal(to me, anyway), but i am wondering if seeking out the comedian is not a good idea.

BOR-RING

i am so bored being single. bored with my long dating hiatuses. i am just bored. maybe its an end of summer thing? i just dont know and i am too bored with it to try and figure it out.
apathetic. ambivalent. annoyed.
like the alliteration? ;-)
anyway, thats 3 a words that describe me at this point.
i once heard only boring people get bored. do you think thats true?

blind date

can i see a show of hands those of you that have been set up by a friend or family member? i never have. there was one guy that might sister thought i might be interested in, but one of my brothers shot her down because he knew the guy to be a little wacko.
one friend said she knew someone in her moms ward that would be just my type, but then they found out some crazy stuff about him.
in both of these cases, i am sure i dodged a bullet, but i have been wondering lately why people dont try and set me up?
maybe they know that the old smc would never go for it, but i am here to tell you that i would go for it now. i am now in a phase where i figure everything i do doesnt work, so why not try something new?

wow

i cant remember the last time i have gone this long without posting. i wish i could tell you its because i met THE ONE and i am all in love and just dont have time to write because i am too busy making out and trying not to break the law of chastity because THE ONE is so absolutely divine and we cannot keep our hands off each other. nope. that aint it and if i said it was, i would be LYING.
i have been busy with tedious life stuff with a few fun things thrown in with friends and family. the summer has been long and pretty much uneventful, but i have enjoyed a few road trips to the lake and enjoyed my time with good, life long friends.
mr nice guy is being a good friend and respecting boundaries. mr ex man is not. he admitted the other day that he still wanted to be with me, but couldnt see past the distance and how to fix it. whatever. i am currently avoiding his calls and texts without telling him i am doing it. its working so far.
mr new guy? fuggitabutit. i really dont know what to say about him beyond my speculation that the attraction was based on the fact that he reminded me of mr ex man. i am in the process of making a variety of mental health appointments to address this issue.
if someone runs into my dream man, could you please send him my way?

the friend gateway

it is all new to me, but the friend experiment with mr ex man in proving to be quite a freeing experience. i dont feel the need to make my point or prove him wrong(which he is, but i dont care to point it out)or prove myself right.
he gets on my nerves with all his ex-mormon crap, but because we are "friends" and not potential eternal companions-i can just let it all go.
that is what i am saying now, but it could change at any minute because of the volatile nature of his mood swings.
thats another thing-because i am no longer invested in a romantic relationship with him, i no longer have to engage in those "important" conversations that take forever because we are trying to work on our relationship.
he called me over the weekend and we spoke for about 5 minutes before i wrapped it up and told him it was late and i was already falling asleep. i know he wasnt happy with it, but he had asked to be friends before and i always refused. now he got what he wanted and he can hardly complain when i treat him like a friend.
a friend understands when you are tired and cant talk, right?
any good stories out there about the friend transition? good or bad. lets hear it.

friend update

mr nice guy is an excellent friend. the friend experiment has worked out just wonderful with him, but mr ex man is a whole other story. i am starting to think he is bi-polar or something. his mood swings are just so random and extreme.
mr new guy is pissing me off. i am about ready to bench myself again-dating is dismal and i am starting to feel a little hopeless about it all. not a good place to be, for sure, but i have been there before and you have been there with me, havent you? :)

soooo.....i was right

i was in trouble. can i explain to you how i hate being stupid? not that i am always stupid, but i have my tendencies and they usually have something to do with men.
the friend thing is working out ok with mr nice guy. not so much with mr ex man. why am i surprised? I DONT FREAKIN KNOW!!!!!
i swear it started out fine. i was lulled into a brief sense of complacency and then KA-POW!! he blind sides me.
it got ugly super fast. he is now "enlightened" and "free" since he has denounced the church. of course i should free myself and join him. live with him without the shackles of traditional marriage or organized religion.
i swear i tried to reason with him. no, not to convince him to change his ways, just to explain how we dont work. i was hoping he could understand and we could continue on with our "friendship". nope.
he turned on me so fast that i cant even believe it.
why cant we all just be relatively normal?

uhmmmmmmmm i am in trouble

i had a long conversation with mr ex man today. why did i do this? i have no good reason to give you. am i glad i did it? kind of. let me tell you the reason i am not glad. he maintains that he still loves me and that i am THE ONE. i find that flattering, but ridiculous.
the reason i am glad? he copped to a few things that i NEVER thought he would admit. ever. like he was wrong and he wish he would have handled things differently. i liked hearing that. especially since there was absolutely no fishing or prompting from me.
the experience was completely absent of animosity. so nice.
whats next with him? i think at least one more conversation is on the horizon, but i am just happy to "wrap things up". kind of.

friends-seriously?

i have definitely entered the friend zone with mr nice guy and it looks like i might be there with mr ex man.
mr ex man is iffy because he says he still loves me, but the context of the statement is somewhat shaky.
anyone who has been reading my blog for a while knows that i am not a fan of the "lets be friends" thing, but i feel like i was somewhat inspired when it comes to mr nice guy. i couldnt be more pleased with our easy going conversation and how it all turned out. i can tell he was happy too. i let him off the hook for a lot of stuff and he accepted an apology from me in the most gracious and gentlemanly way.
mr ex man tried to use the lets be friends line a long time ago, but i immediately rejected it because he was using it to by time. his reasons and excuses were beyond lame. i am slightly concerned that he might try to use this as a way to squirm back into my life, but i am on full alert.
i think things will be good with mr nice guy.
i feel like i have grown as a person. :)

testing the waters

there is a new guy. maybe. i think he is testing the waters to see if i would be receptive to him asking me out. its fairly apparent that he likes me as a human. he has sat next to me at different activities(yes, THOSE activities)and even invited me to a few. i think he attended one activity solely because i said i was going. i am not sure. i hate making those declarations because it sound so flippin conceited-which i am not.
there are some major aspects of mr new guy that remind me of mr ex man. i have been examining myself and my motives to be sure that its mr new guy that i am interested in and not recreating and making right what went wrong with mr ex man.
so mr nice guy has been married and divorced 3 times. i have picked up different parts of the story as he has told them to other people. i refuse to ask him any details(yet),but today he offered some of the details without me asking.
he is funny(i love the funny guys)and nice. i have noticed that he is kind in different situations where others would not be. there have been a few times where i know the most patient and Christ-like person who have been rude, he was not. i noticed and was impressed. not that he is a door mat or wishy washy. definitely not that at all. i have seen him call a few people out on their crap. i just like him. even if we never went out, i would like to be friends with him. thats rare for me.
the last time he sat next to me, i fell effortlessly into a casual flirting mode that he seemed to enjoy. i know i did.
more on him later.

summer

i am not a lover of summer. extreme heat is an enemy of mine and i do what i can to avoid it.
this summer hasnt been so bad and i am SO HAPPY. the dichotomy is that i love the water and summertime is when fun in the water happens. i love lakes, rivers, oceans and ponds. well, i love to look at ponds, but not get in them. the bottom tends to be squishy and i hate the feeling of not knowing what i am stepping in.
another weird thing about me is that as much as i love the water, i have never water skied.
i prefer spring or fall and thats all i have to say about that.
sorry for the lame forest gump reference.

stupid, dumb, and ugly

this is what a happily(really, she is)married friend of mine says when she is frustrated with her super cool(seriously, he is)husband OR when i tell her a story about my dating life.
she is talking about boys of course.
i think its a funny saying, but i have always been a lover of boys. i like boys. even before the hormones kicked in, i had friends of the opposite sex. i dont think they are stupid, dumb, or ugly. in many ways, they are more direct and easier to deal with. when i have been asked why i hang around with guys(distant past, not so much anymore)i always joked that i liked the confidence in knowing that the guys i hang around enjoy my company; if they didnt, they wouldnt hang around, whereas girls will be sweet to your face and then stab you in the back without blinking an eye.
nothing too exciting to report on the romantic front.
mr motorcycle man up and moved quite suddenly a week or so ago. i got to see him one last time, say good bye and give him a hug. i was going to offer a ncmo to send him on his way, but i thought better of it. i dont think he is the guy i would like to have my 1st ncmo with. i also thought that i should reign things in when he jokingly asked if i would move(about 2 thousand miles away)with him. i went along with it, asking how many girls he asked before me, but he didnt seem to be kidding when he said "just you."
ok-maybe guys are stupid, dumb, and ugly. this is the guy that a month ago said he felt no spark(i agreed with him)and didnt think we should date anymore(fine by me, just wish i said it first.). sheesh. i think i just got derailed in my own post. never a good thing.
i am going to stop typing now.

out of my mind

but not in the bad way. i have been traveling a little bit and been caught up in a few family things. nothing dramatic or bad at all. its been a good summer so far and i hope in continues.
i have been socializing in the lds singles scene a little more. i still tread lightly and keep my eyes wide open, but i have had some pleasant surprises.
there are at least 2 men that i know are interested in me and thats always nice. one i am mildly interested in and the other...less than mildly interested.
i know this is a boring and generic post, but i realized its been quite a while since i posted. i noticed my followers are back up so i want to do whatever song and dance i can do to keep them. :)

read it!

amazingly funny, but true post from the mormon child bride. i really want to discuss this, so if you read it, please comment. i really think she put a fine point on so many things. i am certain a similar post could be made about the female equivalent of the md, but lets focus on one thing at a time. lol

the definition of insanity

is doing the same thing and expecting different results.
sometimes i am INSANE.
working on it.

ah-ha moment? maybe not.

i havent been posting about it too much, but i have kind of thrown myself into some single adult activities. by thrown in, i mean i have gone to a few dances and a ton of firesides, which is way up from the nothing i used to do.
i have met some people, had a few dates, but i kind of had an ah-ha moment while emailing back and forth a man i met at these activities.
the only lds guys that are marriage material, have a brain in their head, a sense of humor, and seem to operate on somewhat of an adult level, dont want to get married because they have been burned so bad by their previous relationships, their intelligence keeps them from getting too involved.
all the other guys-either never been married or just too clueless too care, are chomping at the bit to get married because they just want SOMEONE, they dont really care who it is. maybe they were the jerk who cause the disintegration of their relationship, but are too narcissistic to realize it, blaming it on their ex and just moving on to prey(strong word, i know)on someone else.
i know i say this about most stuff, but if find this realization very depressing. the odds just continue to be stacked against us normal(somewhat)girls.
the man i referred to earlier in this post, is reasonably attractive, nice, very funny, and smart. if he asked me out, i would go, but i dont think he ever will because i am not one of the goofy girls who hang out at the dances. he keeps it light. he attends for entertainment. i attend because its the last stone left unturned. unfortunately, under that stone is just a bunch of yucky worms.
so if online dating didnt work and now participating in single adult activities isnt working. what else is there?

sexy

for the first time since dick broke up with me, someone called me sexy. it was quite unexpected and it made me happy.
i want to tell the whole story, but not sure if its even remotely interesting. also, its from a guy i have mentioned before and i have to go and research the name i gave him because i cant remember it right now.

the natural man

as always the meaning of virtue guy (i am sure he might take issue with that name and i apologize, but right now i am too lazy to go and look at your actual name.)has shared with us another insightful excerpt of his upcoming book.
its smart, its truthful, well researched, and just plain good.
but... but... but... is...he....should i say it? over thinking it all too much? i get that sex is beautiful and good, created by Heavenly Father for a divine purpose, etc, but would it be wrong to just say you want to get married(to the "right" person of course)and have some FUN? of course i am using fun as a euphemism, but you get what i am saying, right?

arghhhhhh-utter frustration

i want to write something about a man i met and went out with 2 times, who seems to be interested in me, but then doesnt, then....
the thing is, i think he is nice, but there is no spark. when he said there was no spark, it pissed me off.
how crazy is that?
there are more details that i want to tell you so you can give me your opinion,but i cant get it together to do it.
i have a whole other post half done, that doesnt make sense. i hate it.
i just really want some random opinions about men and how they act.
i am new to this casual dating thing. i dont like it.
i want someone to love me. not just be somewhat interested.
thats what he said "i have some interest in you. it just might not be the right time to date."
the thing that pisses me off about that is I WISH I HAD SAID IT FIRST! i just didnt want to be mean. i would have gone out with him if he asked me out again, but if he tried to get serious, i would have stopped it.
i feel really stupid and immature right now.

so high school

i am hip deep in the dumbest drama ever. mr jack mormon has drug 2 other women into a private conversation where i now have to defend myself and go on the offensive for damage control. i wish i could divulge all the details or at least have my wits about me enough to tell the story and protect the innocent. i am seriously worried about him spreading lies and rumors about me because he is angry about an absolute truth i told to a mutual friend. he then followed up with a big fat lie about us. i have always had a pretty solid "reputation", but i feel worried about him damaging it with lies. no one of importance would believe it, but i hate that i am even worrying about it. i should have never talked to him again, but i felt bad. he was trying so hard and i didnt think i should ignore him anymore. so dumb of me.

dilemma

too good for the bad boys and not good enough for the good boys.
this is my dilemma. the really good and faithful boys find my irreverence unsettling and when i wont put out for the bad boys the quickly grow bored and move on.
is there a happy medium man out there for me? someone who understands that i rarely curse, but when i do, doesnt judge? someone who gets that i can kiss passionately, but still say no when it comes to going any further?
every time i think i have found that person(mr nice guy, mr exman, and dick), something weird(and usually quite ugly) happens.
sigh.

miss you

i really do. i have stuff to write about, but no motivation at all.
i spoke with mr jack mormon. an old girlfriend of his is stalking me on fb because she remembers him talking to her about me. how crazy is that? this is the 2nd time this has happened to me in the last 6 months. i just think its weird and creepy.
cant remember if i told you guys about the motorcycle guy. but i have seen him a few times and despite the fact he told me he wasnt going to be dating for a while, he seems pretty interested. i was flirting with him pretty hard, just to exercise some feminine power over him. his that evil?
missing dick(nothing from the peanut gallery blain!)a lot. is the flirting a healthy distraction? i dont know. i think about him every day and wish like heck that he would come back. i am so out of my element here. when something is finished, i might mourn for a little bit, but done is done, right? i havent contacted him or anything, but this just doesnt feel done. now i am worried that i seem like one of those idiotic women who cant let go. technically, i have let go. i am not a stalker. i am dating and going to activities. flirting away. being flirted with. feels good.
i have been single for a long time. i am ready to connect and play house. anyone game?

balance

how do you balance being a nice person, but keep away the creepsters that hang out at the church dances?
i remember my mia maid adviser telling our class that we should never turn down a boy who asks you to dance. she explained that its difficult for boys to muster up the courage to ask and we should do our part to encourage them and help strengthen their egos.
ok. maybe that was good advice when i was 14, but now that i am in my 40's i need a new strategy.
any ideas? i dont want to offend or hurt anyones feelings nor do i want to be flung across the dance floor by some man who considers himself the swing king. i would prefer not to discuss his plans to build a perfect community (under his direction of course)or see huge scars bestowed by an unfortunate marriage of motorcycle meeting tree at a high speed.
is it too much to expect?

its not you, its me...

or is it: its not me, its you? just kidding.
my best friend swears i am wrong, but i think i just got a creative version of the "its not you, its me" speech from the guy who just asked me out. twice. yes, twice.
i dont want to totally dig this up and rake it over with a fine tooth comb, but, we went out, had fun(he said he did)and then told me(via fb im)that he was taking a break from dating. WHAT?! he gave some reasons that i dont know if i want to go into here. nothing critical of me, but...
i am not in love with this guy, but i had a nice time. what is wrong with him? what is wrong with me?
i am seeing how lame this post is, but i am going to publish it anyway and hopefully find the motivation to write more details and explain.
one last thing-sometimes i am crazy-i wasnt really feeling it for this guy, but i am mad that he told me he was taking a break from dating.

stalker?

i think mr jack mormon is stalking me. he keeps trying to friend me on facebook and he sends me these cute and witty emails. its hard not to reply to him because i have some snappy comebacks,but whats the point?
if we havent been out since last summer and i have ignored all his communication since then, why does he keep trying?

a date

it was a nice date with a nice man. there was easy conversation, but no spark, at least not on my part. he didnt seem particularly into me either, but he asked me out again. i said yes. is it wrong to date someone you dont think you have a future with?

drunk dialing

or something like unto it...
i have really been fighting the urge to call mr ex man. i am not exactly sure why, but it comes to me almost daily. i hate it. calling him would be of zero value. why do we do such things to ourselves? i havent done it and i really dont think i will, but i thought i would just put it out there to you guys. who had done the "drunk dialing"? i am sure you realize that i dont drink(being the good mormon girl that i am)so i am not literally getting drunk and then thinking of calling mr ex man.
so.......have you done it? drunk dial, that is. i dont want to know about your sex life. not now anyway.

may all your dreams come true...

i was watching oprah and tom hanks was giving his farewell tribute when he said something about how oprah changed things for women so that all their dreams can come true. i think that is a pretty accurate statement, but it got me to thinking about my dreams.
i know you might gather from all the whining and complaining i do here that i am a big whiny crybaby that complains all the time. i am not. really.
now that i have given that disclaimer, i am going to whine and complain.
despite the fact that i have been a loyal watcher of oprah for almost the entire time she has been on the air, my dreams have not come true.
my dreams were simple. some got my dreams by accident-not the least bit of effort at all, while i worked my ass off and got nothing.
did i pick the wrong dream? was it just not for me? i dont know. i picked other dreams, but those didnt go to well either. i really am not bitter, just confused. as usual, oprah got me to thinking. thinking about dreams.

not 1, but 2

dates. yep. i have been on the bench for a few months now, but quite unexpectedly i have 2 dates with one guy. not sure how i feel about it. i mean, i KNOW i need to get out and move on, but...i really dont want to. i want dick back. he is gone and i have to live my life. do i have to like it?
i havent cried in a while, but i cried today. not for a long time and i did not descend into the ugly cry, but i did cry. i miss dick a lot.
so.....moving on. i met this guy via a facebook friend. there is no pretense that this is "IT". its a date. he thinks i am pretty and we had a nice time talking. he seems "real" and has learned a lot through his divorce.
so i am doing it. i am off the bench, but not completely in the game. counts for something, doesnt it?

hey!

yesterday i had 55 followers and now i have 54. i am going to go searching for my lost follower. even Jesus went after the 1, right?
watch out 55, here i come!

abandonment issues? probably.

jealous

have i mentioned how much i love this band? i love the black crowes. i had a dream where i had a barefoot make out on a big bean bag chair with chris robinson(lead singer)in some hippy dippy book/record store. it was so real i could smell the marijuana smoke. in real life, i have a huge crush on the drummer. i think he is flippin adorable.

none of this has anything to do with anything except i want to talk about jealousy and i knew that my black crowes sang a song by that very title.

i generally do not have to deal much with the green eyed monster, yet i am finding myself jealous over everything, but mainly of those who are in committed relationships. it hits me at odd times like when one of my friends has to rush home to her family. i have always embraced my independence and the fact i dont have to check in with anyone. i now find myself longing for someone to check in with. someone to wonder where i am and why i am not at home.
i hate admitting it.

dirty dancing

dirty dancing is on abc family today. i saw this movie no less that 6 times at the movie theater the year it came out. i also saw the dirty dancing musical tour with eric carmen. all of this happened the year that i married msof and the soundtrack was constantly played on the radio. despite the exposure, msof was not a romantic man so i was surprised when he told me that this song reminded him of me.



while watching the movie today and the scene where johnny is leaving(after being accused of stealing the wallets)came up and the song started playing, it totally threw me back. i hadnt thought of msof "dedicating" that song to me in years.

msof bears a slight resemblance to patrick swayze. just saying. he cant dance like him(unless hes taken some lessons in the years since our divorce). just saying.

perfect, but weird.

i have never promoted or even believed in the "lets be friends" things. i have talked about it before, but basically, i just dont think it works. i think an exception is that if you go out once or twice and its just not "happenin", so you just go into the friend zone. no biggie. i have never had too many opportunities for this type of transition to the friend zone.
today was a little different. not that he is my friend, but a man that i went out with(right before the whole tom, dick and harry thing)was the "priesthood presence" at a relief society event that i was in charge of. he remembered me(why does that always shock me?)and we chatted amicably. there was no reference to our date or the lack of dates since then.
since it is required that we have priesthood at every rs function, i have dealt with a lot of men and when it comes to protecting the women in the ward, they are generally lacking. not really interested in doing it or flaking out last minute if they do sign up.
this guy was there and truly willing to help. he went above and beyond what is normally expected. he continued to seek me out and ask what he could do. we joked quite a bit, but it really wasnt flirting.
just to clarify-i wasnt attracted to him then and i am not attracted to him now. so why does it bug me that he didnt ask me out again?

sheesh!

do i need another reason to be discouraged? thanks "the meaning of virtue" !

more msof

i have been wanting to write, but my dating/romantic life is dead right now. i am officially benched. so what will i write about? my PAST, of course.
looking back over my pages, i saw that i left the story of how msof(mr soldier of fortune)and i met hanging there for almost 2 years. i cant believe its been that long!
if you go to the msof page you can read the previous two entries(i think its 2)of the story.

he looked at me without smiling, but his obvious delight to see me was in his eyes.
"are you getting in or are you just going to stand there?"
i smiled big at him and told him to hold on i was going to change really quick and let my parents know what i was doing(ever the good girl).
"dont you dare change that skirt!" he said emphatically.
i didnt have it in me to play dumb. i was wearing a mini skirt that showed off one of my best assest-my looooooooong legs. i knew i looked good in it, but declined to say anything to him as i turned from the car and walked in my front door.
once the door was closed i practically lept from one room to the other looking ofr one of my parents. i finally found my mother and i spoke so fast that the words were practically unintelligible.
"msofishereonleavefromthearmyandhewantstotakemeoutsowearegoingoutRIGHTNOW!"
i went to dash to my bathroom for a quick brush of my 80's permed hair, touch up my make up, and spritz some perfume on(i think it was "krystal" from the dynasty collection), but my mother stopped me in my tracks.
"who are you going with?"
"msof!"
"that nice boy who used to live a few blocks away?"
"yes! mom! he is WAITING!"
"he can wait a few minutes for you, dont worry. you know the rules."
although i had given her all the information and that i was 19 years old(well past legal adulthood)i smiled and said,
"msof is in town on leave. he came to the studio to say hi and he was here when i got home. we are going out and i will probably be late."
"where are you going to go" she said in her sweet voice.
"i am not sure. probably dinner and then maybe a drive."
" a DRIVE? do you think that is really a wise choice?"
i really hated when my mom did this. she could be so passive aggressive. she knows i think its a good idea, because i am doing it!
"mom-its FINE, i promise."
before she can say any more i dart out of the room and into my tiny bathroom. through a haze of perfume and aqua net(the only hair spray at the time that could keep the 80's bangs standing up high)i touched up my makeup and quickly brushed my teeth. i gleefully yelled goodbye as i ran out the door. before i made it to msof car i could hear my dad bellowing, "where the hell is she going at this time of night?" and even though i couldnt hear what she said, i could hear my mother shushing him in a comforting way. that was my parents-think edith and archie from all in the family.
i set my purse on the back seat and shut the car door. then i looked at him and saw him smiling at me.
"what was your dad yelling about?"
"you know my dad. its always something. tonight he doesnt like me leaving the house at 9 o'clock at night."
"well? where would you like to go at this late hour?" he smirked. i loved that smirk. 10 years later i would want to smash his face when he smirked, but in that moment i just wanted to kiss him.

i am not making this s*#t up

sooooooooo, i am not even logged into yahoo messenger and when i get home from whatever i was doing the other night(cant remember)there was an im waiting for me. the name seemed familiar(lets call him joe blow), but i couldnt place him. the message just said "hey. remember me?" i really didnt despite all the racking of my brain, but the name did sound familiar, so i replied "i think so, but its been a long time, right?"
he didnt answer back(not sure how long his im had been sitting there, i had been gone all evening.)and i went on with my night. i kept trying to place who he was when it hit me like a ton of bricks who he was. i was kind of happy about it because it was a guy(about 10 years older than me)that i had dated a few times, we got a long great, and things were starting to go somewhere when he called to tell me that he was getting excommunicated for THE SECOND TIME. i had never heard of anyone getting excommunicated TWICE. what the heck? he was really honest and explained it all very nicely. he still wanted to see me, but would understand if i didnt. i told him i would have to think about it and i would get back to him.
i got some input from some trusted friends and decided that i could date him with reservation. lol. with reservation. what i mean is that since he would be excommunicated twice for the same sin he wouldnt be in the market for a temple marriage for a while and dating him for fun would be ok, but it couldnt get serious.
he was handsome, fun, and kind of an old-school gentleman. i really liked him
so i told him i would go out with him and he was pretty happy about it and invited me over. then he called to cancel. the reason why is stupid, but lets just say he didnt think he could restrain himself with me. WHATEVER.
since i solved the mystery i went back to our chat and typed "i remember now!"
just in time for him to type some details about himself that made me realize who he really was and not who i thought he was.
i met mr joe blow on one of the dating sites-he was from my hometown where there is not a huge lds population. turns out he converted as an adult and seemed to have a really solid testimony. he had moved away, but was getting ready to move back to our hometown. i was getting ready to go for a visit, so it all seemed quite fortuitous.
then he started to tell me that before he joined the church he was a shaman for an indian tribe(not making this up, i swear)and explained about the peyote, the visions, and the healing. apparently he still had visions despite he had given up peyote because of his testimony of the word of wisdom.
so i was disappointed that is wasnt the handsome old guy that i know i would have a good date with. no. its the peyote weirdo.
i swear i am a MAGNET.

my crazy life

if it wasnt so pathetic, it would be funny. its still kind of funny. i guess.
remember mr nice guy? the one whose mother has his testicles in a mason jar in her pantry? that guy. ANYWAY, in true smc fashion, he came back. well "back" is a relative term here. his balls have NOT been released to him yet, but someone(a woman)came up to me at a fireside and said "hi, arent you singlemormonchick?" when i answered in the affirmative she went on to say "i think we have a "friend" in common". i knew who she was talking about, but i played dumb. my head was kind of reeling because i didnt know her at all. how did she know me? i tried to focus as she told me that she "dated" mr nice guy after i broke up with him. still didnt explain how she knew me. i mean mr nice guy lived 4 hours away in a stupid, small, backward town. its not like we ran in the same circles at all. we are chatting back and forth, comparing some notes, sharing a few giggles when i finally ask her- "how did you recognize me and know who i was?" she proceeds to tell me how mr nice guy liked to show my picture around. am i weird for thinking this is odd?

thanks 11th heaven!

i read 11th heaven everyday. we have very little in common(at least one important thing, but thats about it), but i just love her take on stuff. she has cool stuff on her blog too. check it out!


About Me ABCs

Age: 43

Bed Size: sleeping single in a double bed-who sings that one?

Chore You Hate: Unloading the dishwasher. thats 2 things i have in common with ms 11th heaven.

Dogs: i like mutts, but dont see myself having a dog again. after the last one died,my heart just cant take it.

Essential Start of Your Day: Prayer and breakfast

Favorite Color: changes on my mood

Gold or Silver: Silver

Height: 5'11

Instruments You Play: none. i have 0 musical talent.

Job Title: nothing exciting.

Kids: none

Live: undisclosed location

Mom's Name: she hates it and would not like me to tell you.

Nicknames: msof used to call me sasquatch because i am tall and have big feet. how is that for love?

Overnight Hospital Stays: i dont want to talk about it.

Pet Peeve: people who back into parking lots spaces at the mall or grocery store.

Quote From a Movie: im your huckleberry(i like it, but its not my favorite. just didnt want to think too long about it.)

Right- or Left-Handed: Right

Siblings: 1 of each.

Time You Wake Up: 3 or 4 am, but thats the depression. normally 6 or 7

Underwear: Mormon-style,but have a trunk full of fun stuff for WHEN i get married.(like the positive talk there?)

Veggie You Dislike: i am sure there is one, but cant think of it right now.

What Makes You Run Late: everything. i need to get it under control.

X-Rays You Have Had everything. head to feet.

Yummy Food You Make: cheesecake

Zoo Animal You Like Best: giraffes or penguins.

depression

it runs in my family in varying degrees. mine is what my therapist refers to as "situational" depression. i am good until the shit really hits the fan and then i crash into a severe depression after a long hard fight.
i have crashed. there have been a few of you that have commented privately(you were very sweet and i wasnt offended in the slightest, just a little embarrassed)that i should seek professional help. i love professional help! i am all for it and have used it in the past. just not sure if i am up for it right now. therapy is hard work and the doctor that i trust the most is no longer in practice. breaking in a new doctor would be difficult. which,is of course, the depression talking. depression takes away all that makes me me and paints me grey.
bottom line-i have been here before and i know my way back. it just sucks.

inspire

what inspires men to put up with a pain in the ass woman? i mean really PAIN IN THE ASS. demanding, high maintenance, and bitchy.
i am watching bethenny ever after and i just dont get it. i like bethenny, but she is a pain in the ass and her husband is the nicest, roll with it guy ever. you can tell he loves her. she loves him too and realizes that she has issues and tries to overcome(points for effort for sure), but she is a mess and a huge pain in the ass.
i am sure i have my pain in the ass qualities, but nothing like that.
i realize this is not the first time i have posed this question, but i just dont feel like i have gotten a satisfactory answer. maybe there isnt one.
it probably all boils down to a slight case of envy. the answer will be when i find the man who loves me despite what a pain in the ass i am.
sigh.

laughter is the best medicine

as i have gotten older my tastes have changed in just about everything. food. movies. people. music. comedy. everything. i am not completely comfortable with some of these changes, but i am somewhat resigned.
i first started noticing it with the movies i watched. most of my friends were strictly total chick flick or goofy movie watchers, but gbf and i would watch edgier movies like memento or american beauty. i felt myself starting to lose my "edge". i found myself increasingly uncomfortable with the sex and violence in "good", critically acclaimed movies.
when unfaithful came out, gbf was really interested in seeing it, but i begged off. he was kind of upset with me because we were movie buddies and had very similar tastes. despite the fact that is was so well received by the critics and i loved the actors starring in it, i couldnt bring myself to watch it. diane lanes sex scene with her lover were raved about and rage depicted by richard gere and the violence it created was considered one of his best performances ever. i just couldnt do it.
i found myself preferring lighter fare. i felt a little embarrassed because i didnt want to see the heavier and edgy stuff like i used to. gbf and i stopped going to movies together. all i wanted was to laugh. to be cheered up. but thats not so easy anymore. i dont find the same things funny. i can watch old snl episodes on vh1, knowing that 5 years ago i laughed my ass off, but now they dont seem funny at all.
in a way, i feel like i am grieving for a lost part of myself.
more than ever, i need to be cheered. to get a break from the realities of my life and escape. this morning, i got it on comedy central. based on what i have mentioned so far, i can tell you that comedy central would be the last place i would look. all the comedians they show and the STUPID movies just make me sick. most of the time i just feel old and humorless when i try to even watch more than 2 seconds. today was different. today there was jim gaffigan . the clip is not from the show i saw, but it was equally as funny. it felt good to laugh out loud at his silliness. i love the voice he does to imitate what someone in the audience might be saying. hilarious. i hope you enjoy it. i did.

roller coaster

i was up a little bit yesterday, but lower than low today.
jenn van had commented over a month ago about how she turned things around by BELIEVING Heavenly Father, not just believing in him. i totally get what she means, but even though i get it, i am falling short.
i am a girl with a black cloud over her head. quotes from "the secret" are screaming in my head about the law of attraction and how by even saying that i have a black cloud, i am putting it "out there", thus attracting MORE black clouds.
a vicious cycle that i am not breaking free of today.
i am not sure how to BELIEVE anymore.
maybe the roller coaster will climb back up tomorrow and i will remember.

the sun does come up

the situation has not changed, but my perspective has. a little. i dont feel quite as dismal and things are a little clearer. even though there are plans and procedures in place, its going be a rough for a long time. i know so many people that are struggling in a myriad of ways,so why should i be any different?
i always intended this blog to be a fun, cleaned up, sex and the city type thing, but carrie and the girls arent real and neither are all their shenanigans.
real life is definitely interfering with any desire i have to have fun and attempt to be some sort of cute girl that any man might be interested in.
i want to run away. escape. never come back. ok, i do want to come back, but only after a long, long time and all of this stuff is resolved. all the work and effort i have put in so far made an impact and allowed others to step in and finish the race for me.
pure fantasy.

is it contagious?

i am thinking their might be something in the air or water or something. maybe a pandemic of sorts. click here.

she mentions vague comments and youtube videos. i am not sure if she is a reader of mine, but i do that. the details hurt too much and i cant bear to type them. some of them involve others and even though i am somewhat anonymous, it feels like a betrayal to tell their stories. even if it involves me.
sigh.

pessimism

my mom was a real pessimist. it really bothered me, but now i kind of get it. i know its not how we are supposed to think-rise above it, pray, have faith, yadda, yadda, yadda.
i find myself thinking(and sometimes saying)the things she used to say.
the state of the world and all that is going on.
all this GARBAGE is not cool, fun, or sexy in any way.
i hate real life.
WHY? WHY? WHY?
please rescue me and take me to hawaii for a month.






ps- i hate that i asked to be rescued-that i even feel that way in the slightest bit.
pps-for the record, i am going to keep praying and even thought i keep losing the mustard seed, i am going to try and find it, keep it and grow it. just right now, its harder than its ever been and just when i think it cant get harder, it does.
am i as job? not even close. should that be a comfort?

crawl in a hole

and die. seriously. its what i want to do. so much stress, so much out of my control. things i wish i could do, but out of my reach. literally. this isnt a "think positive and go get em!" moment. serious stuff with serious consequences that affects someone that i love so much.
we arent supposed to be afraid, right? i am. i am trying not to be, but i am. praying a lot and trying to figure out what can be done to protect them from devastation.
i hate to even talk about it here, but i just cant sit on it. i have to vent. i hate being scared. i hate being weak. i hate being unable to create the change i want to.
can someone please rescue me?

invention

The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

— Alan Kay

stomachache

i have one completely induced by anxiety that i am feeling for another person. my oldest friend, who i have been estranged from for about 5 years, just emailed me to tell me her husband is filing for divorce.
what makes me the saddest is that it doesnt surprise me. it was a train wreck from the beginning and it is mainly her fault. it doesnt feel good to say that-she has been my friend for longer than most of my followers have been alive.
she is a mess and has been for a long time. the reasons are not her fault, but the fact that she didnt do anything about it is.
i feel her pain. i know what its like to be left even though our situations and the reasons are so very different.
i emailed her back and asked her to call me. she was a huge comfort to me during my ugly divorce and i hope i can give a little of that back.

i remember this talk

divine signatures

Gerald Lund 'Divine Signatures' | Mormon Times

i havent read it yet, but i am fascinated with the concept. its not entirely new, of course, but i like how brother lund talks about this "phenomenon".
i have had a few divine signatures in the past few months. one just today when i stumbled upon the original scrap piece of paper that i wrote dicks number on. why is this divine? wellllllllll..... i thought i threw it away when i programmed him into my cell phone. when he broke up with me, i deleted everything and since i dont memorize numbers anymore(technology makes me lazy)finding it seemed quite...coincidental.
there are others concerning dick, but i will save them from another time.
i am looking forward to reading the book. please let me know if you have read it and what you thought of it.

odd fact about me

sometimes i will watch televangelists on tv. right now i kind of like joel osteen. sure, he has got that goofy grin and kind of looks like a little leprechaun, but i think his preaching is pretty solid.
my dad used to watch billy graham and i think this is where it all started. i dont like guys like jimmy swaggart or jim baker, but i think joel has a pretty good message.
today i caught the last few minutes of his sermon where he was talking about a couple of guys getting caught 10 miles out in the ocean, the fog rolled in and the sun set and how to get back to shore they had to go against every instinct and every voice in their head telling them to go a different way. the going was very slow and very scary, but they made it to shore safe and sound.
of course this applies to all of us in our life and the trials we encounter, but i cant help but draw a parallel with my situation with dick. i am certainly am in the thickest fog ever, but i am trying to keep the boat moving towards the shore. i think its the shore anyway. faith & perseverance, right?

crush

mr southern gentleman turned me on to the dave matthews band. when the album that has this track on it came out, he asked me if i had heard the song and when i told him i hadnt, he told me that the song reminded him of me. i ran out that night and bought the cd. i fell in love with mr southern gentleman that night as well as dave matthews.
i love how dave writes his songs in sort of a dyslexic manner. his phrases are twisted and turned around, but you have no doubt about what he means. with love songs like crush there is almost always this incredible sexy undertone. sigh.

i guess i was wrong

i am not invisible nor am i forgettable. mr ex man just called. i had the phone on silent, so i didnt hear it and was shocked when i saw the missed call. an hour or so later he text'd me a belated happy birthday and sent a few old memories my way. originally met right before my birthday and he sent me a lovely gift that year. nothing since, but the first year was nice.
the universe is screwing with me. i really, really, really thought i would never hear from him again. here he is.
i didnt answer and i wont text back. there was a time that the temptation would just be too great,but not now. the temptation is there, but its very minor. takes hardly any will power at all not to call/text him back.
WHY?!?!?!?! why do they do it? is i the guys? is it me?
i want dick to call, text, and come over.

unexpected compliments

in an odd series of random events i spoke with tgws little brother today. i love this kid. well, he isnt a kid anymore, hes almost 40, but he will always be a kid to me. we were mainly talking about current things-their mom has recently and unexpectedly passed away-but some things of the past came up and in the course of this discussion little brother told me that after tgws and i broke up, he wanted nothing to do with any of his subsequent relationships. if it hadnt worked with me, he didnt want anything to do with tgws new hoochie girlfriends. it made me smile. i have mentioned how i sometimes feel invisible. sometimes to the point where i think i could disapper and the world would not be any less, but then i hear something like that and i realize that i have positively impacted people my whole life. i needed that today. :)

some light

http://speeches.byu.edu/reader/reader.php?id=8501

an amazing talk by elder holland- i really dont know how anyone could not be inspired by it.

dangit pioneer woman

i just read high heels to tractor wheels by ree drummond aka the pioneer woman. its the story of how she met her husband and their whirlwind romance. its a good story, but in the headspace i am in, it just pissed me off. i love her blog and most of the time it doesnt even annoy me how she goes on about his forearms and wranglers, but a whole book of it when i am sans romance? it was too much. i dont think i used the best judgment reading it.
she had posted the majority of the story on her blog last year, was offered a book deal, and wrapped it up with her honeymoon(where she got pregnant)and her first year of marriage.
their courtship was almost perfect-just some silly embarrassing stuff about how she tripped in high heel boots on their first date(the forearms saved her)and how she sweats too much when she gets nervous and had to go into a bathroom at a wedding, completely undress in order to cool off enough to go back to the wedding.
their honeymoon was kind of horrible and the first year was kind of crazy with the pregnancy and some problems on the ranch.
15 years later they are still in love, on the ranch and apparently loving life. she has the best of both the city(her book tours)and the ranch(hot guy in wranglers hanging around all the time).
she is a mess, tells you all about it, and the hot guy loves her.
i like her. i just wish some of the pictures of her silver fox husband with his goatee didnt remind me of dick so much.
bitter, party of one.

dark

its dark over here and i hate it. i am a pro at breaking up and getting over it, but not this time and i am not sure what to do to bring the light back in.
i have done a few things, but they dont seem to be working. maybe they are working,but i just dont know it yet.
i am aware that i am into this post 5 lines and i am already rambling. sigh.
i have eluded to what is going on, but have been too ashamed to admit it. why? i think it makes me seem weak, pathetic, and too(way)vulnerable.
when dick broke up with me, i was hurt and angry, but i accepted it. his choice. it sucks to be broken up with, but he has his free agency.
that lasted for all of 2 weeks. maybe a little longer. i then became inundated with these "nudges" (see the jonah post)that would not leave me be.
they kept coming. and coming. i ignored and fought at first, but things kept happening-by things i mean inspiration in the most coincidental of ways. but there are no coincidences are there?
i kept hearing "what do you remember when you have forgotten everything?" over and over in different scenarios. so i asked myself what i remembered. i was flooded with memories that confirmed that dick loved me. i remembered how when he was leaving and we were in the car together how i struggled with whether or not to touch him. reach out a hand and just touch him. i think he was worried too, but when i put my hand on his leg, he took my hand in both of his and held it the whole way. we werent talking much, but when we got to our destination and were saying good bye he took my face in his hands and kissed me 4 or 5 times in a row. when i went to turn back to the car i thought i heard him say "i love you", but it was windy and noisy and i wasnt sure, so i said "what?" he repeated it and i told him i loved him too.
two days later he broke up with me. said he wasnt ready.
does breaking up nullify all that happened before? when i allow myself to really think about this, i just keep coming up with that he acted out of fear. there are details about the break up that i wont share, but i will say that despite the fact they werent cruel or horrible(besides the fact it was a break up), they really werent in line with what i know of him. i dont want to make excuses, but i just think that if he had made a good decision and was confident in it, he wouldnt have handled it the way he did.
i have prayed a lot about it and it seems that according to my own personal revelation(which i am shaky at best at)that i am on the right track. i felt prompted to contact him, which i did, and have gotten nothing back. this hurts too. of course it does, but if i am doing what i am supposed to should it NOT hurt? shouldnt the great things be happening?
not necessarily according to wendy nelson, who, along with sheri dew, gave a talk called "the savior heals without a scar." sis nelson references hebrews 10:32 "but call to remembrance the former days, in which, after ye were illuminated, ye endured a great fight of afflictions" she went on to explain that "illumination" is confirmation and that we often think that when the trial of afflictions come that we must have got it wrong-that the confirmation was in error, but she says that is incorrect that we are supposed to turn to Heavenly Father more and believe is a God of miracles and believe he will deliver on every promise.
this certainly gave me some insight on my situation with dick, but the waiting is the hardest part. will i wait and be proven an idiot? am i showing a horrible lack of faith? am i being smart and learning from my past? will this finally be a "triumph of hope over experience"?
i would like to think i know. i have been praying a lot and i feel like i have been getting things revealed to me, but i get weak and worried and then it gets dark.

a virtuous woman?

is this even important to men anymore? old cliches like "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" or "you cant buy a car without kicking the tires and looking under the hood." keep running through my head.
do men care? do they find it a good thing that a woman has "saved" herself for marriage or has maintained virtue after a divorce or are the suspicious of someone who has gone without sex for more than a short time?

depressing

depressing article #1

depressing article #2

i am looking for a cliff to jump off of. when i find one, i will let you know, in case you want to jump with me.

pride cometh before the fall

i am fairly certain that i misquoted that, but i want to talk about pride. i have never considered myself prideful, but after a lengthy instant message conversation with a friend, i think pride might be an issue of mine. pride and fear of vulnerability. my friend totally called me on it-asking what i was so afraid of. i had part of the answer right away, but since our conversation, i have been thinking a lot about it.
what does pride keep you from?

when its over

beware: major 80's cheesy video antics ahead.




random thoughts cross my mind and many times i think that the thought could turn into a really good(or at least decent post). about 75% of the time, i am not where i have access to a computer or even the ability to make a note to myself. the great ideas are lost.
so sad.
i was going through my pages and when i was going through the one dedicated to mr ex man, i realized that its been a while since i have thought of him. he is not totally out of my mind, but he is definitely out of my heart. its weird. 3 years of loving him, thinking we would be married and then all the drama and heartbreak that followed has really occupied a lot of my time. it was the catalyst to start this blog.
the thought occurred to me that it really is over with mr ex man and then the loverboy song started playing in my head.
i think i mentioned that he called me the day dick broke up with me. i tried to be polite, but he was really bugging me to get back together with him. when i told him i had just broken up with someone and i just wasnt in any condition to be talking to him, he freaked out. told me how horrible and selfish i was and that he never knew why he loved me in the first place.
it didnt even hurt. i blocked him in every way i know of. email, phone, etc.
it is over.



ps- i used to wear a bandana around my head like that. it was way stylin in 1982. seriously it was. i think it even pre-dates mike reno from loverboy wearing it.

pps- i saw loverboy in concert in 1985. it was a good show.


pps- i didnt wear the headband to the concert.

getting sucked in

i have a new calling and part of it is to be a little involved with the single adult "community". for those of you who are unfamiliar or not lds or both or one or the other or just want to know...
when a person turns 18 in the lds faith they generally go to a young single adult ward. if there isnt one available, they might participate in different "fun" activities meant to encourage dating, pairing off, and eventually marriage. its a pretty effective system. most lds people are married off by time they are 21.
if you are a hold out, get divorced, or have the unfortunate circumstance of being widowed after the age of 30 you then "graduate" to single adult group. i heard someone call it the island of misfit toys(you know, rudolph the red nosed reindeer)and i thought that was the funniest and probably most accurate description ever.
they do pretty much the same activities as the young single adults, but its different somehow.
anyway. part of my responsibilities is to know what is going on-activities etc. today i found myself on a dance committee. WHAT THE F.. no, wait. i dont want to say that. well i do, but i wont because its not classy or righteous.
yes. i am on a dance committee. i really got sucked in and i was powerless to stop it. cant wait to see how it all turns out. sigh.
pray for me please.

dreams

the racy kind. definitely not pg-13. starring msof. i hate that. i havent had a dream about him in years and then this? if it was real and someone else...it would have been amazing.
have you ever had one of those dreams and woke up feeling guilty? shortly after msof were married i had a VIVID dream about tgws. i woke up thinking i needed to make an appointment with the bishop. when i realized it was just a dream, i couldnt describe the feeling of relief if i tried.
shortly after my divorce i had a series of explicit dreams about msof. i didnt feel guilty-i felt ANGRY. i never wanted him touching me again and i was dreaming about him? yuck.
after i woke up this morning, i tried to edit the dream and try to find some way that i was mistaken. it was dick, not msof that the amazing dream was about.
dick and msof look nothing alike. at all. it was definitely msof. why? why now? i hope it doesnt happen again tonight.

the waver

the single man(a little younger than me, 2 kids, new in the family ward i attend) that i referred to in my last post spoke in church today. he gave a really good talk. i was impressed. before he spoke, i think i caught him looking at me. i was intentionally looking at him and then he ducked his head. i could be imagining it, but i dont think so.
i hear he is very quiet and very shy, but he was able to speak appropriately from the pulpit. people can be weird that way. shy, but able to speak in complete sentences in front of the congregation.
i looked for him after to tell him i liked his talk,but he was nowhere to be found.
i mention that because there are 2 friends in my ward that are literally bugging me to talk to him. i hate taking that first step. i will look-shoot a couple of sparkles from the baby blues. i will smile. i will give all the cues and clues that he(or any man i might be remotely interested in)will not be mocked or rejected if he spoke to me. nada. nothing. zilch.
these friends think he is interested in me, but i find that hard to believe based on historical data. lol. historical data. where the heck did that come from?
so i emailed him. got his email from the ward directory and emailed him that i liked his talk. 3 or 4 lines-pretty direct, not flirty. one very mild joke. it will be interesting to see if he responds. i havent told my friends i did it yet. i think they will freak like you see jr high girls do when they get all excited their friend said hi to the cute boy in the hallway at school.
is it weird that when it all boils down to it,what i really want is for dick to come back. is it counter intuitive to email another guy when you are hoping and praying someone else comes back?

invisible

do you ever feel like you are invisible? i have thought myself invisible(to most, not all)for years. msof didnt see me and once we divorced the feeling remained. who saw me? i mean, really saw me? there have been a few things that have occurred in the ensuing years that have shown me that i truly am not invisible, but the sensation of wearing harry potters invisibility cloak still lingered.
in recent months there have been 3 different incidents that have driven the point home that i am certainly not invisible and just because i dont know who someone is doesnt mean they dont know who i am.
1. a missionary(i am old enough to be his mother)who i have never actually met, called me by name and mentioned something i said or did(cant remember now)weeks prior that i have no idea how he knew about it. he also said something about how cool i am. flattering(i think).
2. my dry cleaners is in a strip mall(arent they all?)that has the normal stuff like a blockbuster, a chinese takeout, and a chain hair salon. i am walking out of the dry cleaners with my hands full of my clothes and the huge purse i have been carrying lately and as i approach my car i see that someone in the car parked next to mine is leaning over the console in his car and waving at me through the closed passenger window. it takes me 2 seconds to realize its a single(divorced, 2 kids)man who had moved into my ward about 6 months ago. we had never met and the only reason i knew who he was is that the other single women were on high alert the second he walked into the building. apparently he was getting his hair cut while i was picking up dry cleaning. like i said, my hands were full-so i found myself waving a handful of dresses and shirts on hangers, wrapped in plastic at him. i felt ridiculous, but what else could i have done?
3. i was called to a stake position. as a single woman, over 30(way over)in a family ward-i can deftly fly under the radar. INVISIBLE. without any prior notice, i was called into the stake presidents office and given a calling.
i guess i am not invisible-its especially nice when a single guy seems to notice. the jury is still out on the stake calling(kind of overwhelming, but i am trying) and i just shake my head and laugh a little and the young elder.

hanging

out with friends tonight. i am really tired, but i am going anyway! i remember the days when my nights didnt get started until 10, now....i like to be home by 10 or i feel slightly panicked. weird how things change.

ceasing to pray

we are told to pray with out ceasing. i havent ceased in nearly 2 months. is it ok to take a break? just be still and quiet? how many ways can you ask for something? how many ways can you pose a question to deity?

trying to listen

i went to a fireside where the biggest portion of the talk was about learning how the Holy Ghost speaks to you so that you can properly receive the revelations the Lord has for you. there was a time that i knew EXACTLY what i was being told. i was confident in personal revelation and moved on it with determination and success. now? not so much. mr ex man was where it all fell apart. i lost my confidence in my ability to understand the answers to my prayers. the hard stuff-the really important questions.
now i feel like i am being spiritually nudged to do things i am supremely uncomfortable with. when it comes to fight or flight-i fly. there are many areas in my life that i will fight, but...fight for a man? a romance? uh, no. why? oh there are tons of reasons and i wont bore you here. the point is; i am getting the message to fight for dick. is scares the shit out of me. i hate that. i hate being afraid of anything, but especially of something so silly. why be afraid of something so silly? even if i take the ultimate risk and put it all "out there" for him-whats the worse can happen? no matter what, i will be the same person i was 6 months ago before i even knew him. still a pretty cool chick-it wont make or ruin me one way or another.
i went to the temple today and the answers seem to be consistent. no matter how i ask the question, the answer is the same, but i still fear i am getting it wrong. if we are expected to wait on the Lord's time table do you think he will be generous in waiting form my timetable of getting myself in gear for such out of character actions? if you pray for strangers, please pray for me. :) thanks.

doing ok

i frequently will "check" myself. am i doing ok? am i a nice person? do i try to do good? am i thinking clearly and being truthful with others and myself? am i on track with what Heavenly Father would want me to do?
i do that, at least in part, just about every day. maybe not a lot of questions,but at least a few.
lately the questions are about dick. did i fool myself? did he lie to me and i was too unwilling to face reality?
i keep asking myself the hard questions and i keep coming up with a good score. i really cant say that at all about mr soldier of fortune, mr nice guy, OR mr ex man. especially mr ex man.
i am still praying for dick.(restrain yourself blain)praying for his safety(dangerous line of work), his spiritual well being(inactive for a long time, working his way back)and for him to be happy. even if its without me. that is a hard thing to give-to wish for someones happiness when they have put a damper on yours.
the big things i keep checking on for myself is did i really pray about the right things when dick was pursuing me-did i pray with a sincere heart, wanting what was right and the will of the Lord? i am pretty confident i got a good score on that too. i keep checking and rechecking and coming up with the same answers. keep praying about it too-i seem to be ok.
which is a small comfort considering i was alone on valentines and still alone. i keep praying. i will keep praying until i know i dont need to any more.
i remember praying to forgive mr soldier of fortune-i definitely knew when it was time to stop praying.
P.U.S.H pray until something happens. kind of cheesy, but rings true, dont you think? i am going to pray until he comes back or until i dont want him to any more.

classic

mr nice guy emailed me today. one sentence "happy valentines day." i cant tell you the last time i have heard from him and now? seriously.now? today? VALENTINES FREAKIN DAY? he didnt sign it "love", so thats definitely a change.
i cannot be the only person this happens to. am i?

ps-if you dont want to scroll down to my dance card-mr nice guy is the one who was controlled by his mother. worse than i have ever seen or experienced it. actually, i had never dated a man controlled by his mother before, but mr nice guy showed me all about it. in vivid colors. it was gross and it was scary.

valentines day memories

i dont have a ton. tgws always did something nice. i think there was at least one time that i got a dozen roses. mr soldier of fortune never forgot, but there isnt much i remember. a mini rose bush here and tacky piece of lingerie there. mr nice guy was always sweet. mr ex man and i were never speaking on a valentines day. i remember one year(i was just looking at facebook and someone did something similar, so it jogged my memory)i wrote i love you in lipstick on mr soldier of fortunes car window and kissed it a few times for good measure. on the seat was some appropriate gift from the local hot rod shop. he loved it. anybody have any fun stories to tell about silly stuff they did on valentines day for their luv-ah?
oh yeah-i just remembered something i did for tgws-we were still in high school and somehow i was able to get my entire family out of the house(that was a major feat)and i cooked him a romantic steak dinner and made cheesecake(his favorite)for dessert. he loved it.

valentines day :(

feeling sad. dick and i had plans, but he broke up with me. he would have gotten his card on saturday and i havent heard anything from him. its so hard when reality is so contrary to what your heart tells you. what you feel that the spirit is telling you. patience and faith. endure to the end. sigh.
hope you are all in love and getting flowers and chocolates and holiday sex :)
waiting on a sister missionary and ashley...i hope its a good day despite recent break ups. too bad we all dont live near each other, we could have a great night out forgetting our bruised and banged up hearts.

leagues

i have read a few blogs(waiting on a sister missionary and the singles ward, i think)talk about leagues. who is in yours and who isnt. i have always dismissed this way of thinking-i mean, really-leagues?
i am thinking more and more if its a fact of life. dick wasnt the first guy who in his own way told me i was too good for him.
again-i dismiss this kind of talk, but as i continue to go over every detail of our short relationship with a fine tooth comb, maybe there is something to it.
not that i think i am better than him. i dont.
i wonder if it comes up with these guys because i am a woman without a past. no skeletons in my closet. no cheating, no drugs, and no church court. i am being a little flip, but i am boring that way. i tell humorous versions of my jerry springer divorce story and cute anecdotes of my crazy dating life, but...
not sure what i am trying to say here, but i am thinking of how mr jack mormon said i needed to be a bishops wife because no other kind of man would be good enough for me. i still laugh at that one.
i have never been a gold digger or a social climber-just not my style. i want a man who will make me laugh and towers above me. even that is negotiable. the tall thing. not the laughing.
i am rambling here, but guys...if a girl you think is too good for you tells you that she loves you(didnt jake over at the mormon bachelor pad go through this with andrea?)wouldnt that be a reason to be happy, not shut down and run away?

old and boring? please say no

even if its a lie. just say no. ok. i really dont want you to lie, but i really dont want to be old and boring. this subject has come up a few times between me and my friends. when i express my concern about being boring-they laugh at me and tell me how ridiculous i am.
the reason it is coming up now is that via facebook i see pictures of the different activities that have gone on throughout the weeks. one girl posts pictures religiously of everything she does with the singles groups. one of the most recent things was a pocket protector prom aka as the nerd dance. they all got dressed up as nerds. and danced. is it just me? am i so old and boring that i see nothing fun about this at all. from what i see in the pictures, most of the costumes missed the mark completely and they just looked weird.
now i am old, boring, AND judgmental.
i swear, i am a fun person, but i guess i just dont fit into the stereo typical mormon fun mold. sometimes i wish i did. its just not me. i would really be forcing myself into things that just dont appeal to me at all.
so i go to firesides. OHMYGOSH!! i am old and boring.
sigh.

cool

today i got a random compliment from one of my friends kids. an 18 year old young man told his mother how good i looked. she asked him why he didnt tell me himself. he said that he would, but then went in his room and shut the door. she told me as she walked me out to my car after we spent the day together. we laughed at the oddness of a guy noticing his mothers friend-i am sure i qualify as an old lady to him, but the compliment was sincere. nice little ego boost since i have been feeling kind of invisible.

embarrassed

i sent dick a valentines day card. i am so out of my element here. i am usually the breaker upper and when i do...i dont go back. now i am reaching out to a man who broke up with me. telling him my heart-letting him know that i am not ok with it, that i dont want to be broken up. i managed to do this in two sentences in a very simple valentines day card. i dont know what he will do or how he will respond, but i know i did what i had to do. i didnt even really ever consider doing anything like that-he broke up, we were done. pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and move on. a few weeks ago i was explaining a few things to a friend and he basically told me to stop whining and just write him and tell him how if feel. "why are you so afraid of allowing yourself to be vulnerable?" he asked me. i wasnt sure what the answer was, but he really brought into focus a weakness of mine and i decided to take his advice. only one friend knows i did this. i cant bring myself to tell anyone else because i feel so embarrassed about it. it seems weak. i keep telling myself that if it "works" i just might get all that i ever wanted. if he doesnt respond or responds negatively, then all i can say is i tried. nothing wrong with that, right?
lets see how long i keep this post up. :D